Jan. 26, 2026

Escapism, Burnout, and the Unlearning of Rest as a Single Leader

Escapism, Burnout, and the Unlearning of Rest as a Single Leader

Send us a text We dig into the rhythms of rest for single leaders, why “always on” culture masks pride and fear, and how Sabbath realigns identity from performance to presence. We name escapism and avoidance, and we offer practices and people that help you take the cape off. • why rest is a command and a gift • the loneliness and pressure of single leadership • unlearning work-first discipleship in church spaces • practicing humility, trust, and partnership with God • rest vs escapism vs avo...

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Send us a text

We dig into the rhythms of rest for single leaders, why “always on” culture masks pride and fear, and how Sabbath realigns identity from performance to presence. We name escapism and avoidance, and we offer practices and people that help you take the cape off.

• why rest is a command and a gift
• the loneliness and pressure of single leadership
• unlearning work-first discipleship in church spaces
• practicing humility, trust, and partnership with God
• rest vs escapism vs avoidance explained
• anxiety, health signals, and nervous system care
• how to find friends who can hold your “I’m tired”
• simple Sabbath practices you can start today

Share it with a friend. Share it with somebody you know. They probably need it as much as you do. 


00:00 - Welcome And Series Context

01:41 - Why Guidance Was Missing In Our 20s

04:56 - Naming The Topic: Rhythms Of Rest

06:20 - Workaholism, Marriage, And Unlearning Control

08:57 - The Weight Of Single Leadership

12:20 - Sabbath As Command And Gift

17:08 - Pride, Performance, And The Myth Of “God On My Staff”

20:10 - Finding Peace And Receiving Grace

23:40 - Rest Checks Our Ego

27:30 - Need To Be Needed: Validation Loops

31:20 - Practicing Trust Before Partnership

35:00 - Rest vs Escapism vs Avoidance

41:20 - Anxiety, Bodies, And Long-Term Health

45:35 - Presence Over Numbing: Returning To God

49:10 - Community As A Place Of Rest

54:00 - Choosing People Who Hold Your “I’m Tired”

59:55 - Closing And Community Call

WEBVTT

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Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast.

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I am your host for Davigill, aka R A.

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What's up, friends?

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It's your girl, Jacquelita.

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And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

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Yay! Hey, we free having brand this piece.

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We get free.

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I won't like bam my fist, but my my glass, my desk is glass.

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Yeah, we don't want to do that.

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Yeah, it's just yeah, we don't want to do that.

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I got excited, all right, about freedom.

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Exciting.

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We're gonna get free, guys.

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We've been getting free in this series.

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Okay, listen.

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Listen.

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Because this series, uh, you you've you've heard us talk about before, but look, this is this series is very important to Jaquita and I.

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And when we when we came, when we when we began to talk about it, we knew.

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We were just having a conversation.

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We knew.

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We was like, this is it.

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This is it.

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This is what the people need right here.

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This is it.

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Okay, even if y'all don't need it, we needed it.

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Amen.

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I mean, you know, so you know, do you ever think like, you know, because I feel like I have devoted my life to like pouring into people younger than myself so that they would walk through their 20s and early 30s differently than I did, or at least feeling like they had a manual.

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You know, like I remember in my 20s having just no clue.

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Like, and now I look back and I'm like, dang, I wish somebody would have really set me down for real and and helped me to walk through some of the stuff.

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I mean, and don't get me wrong, there were people who helped me walk through a lot of things.

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But hindsight is 2020, man.

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It really is.

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It is, and and this, but this topic of of like what being what being single in leadership is, it when we were that age, I mean, most a lot of people that were pouring into us had not experienced that because a lot, most people were still, you know, were getting married younger.

00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:16.560
And so that and so I think now we do have the opportunity, and I say we loosely, y'all know I'm married, but you know, I did I have spent she be she be trying to be cool so bad.

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She's like, I can still talk about it.

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No, you cannot, ma'am.

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But I can't.

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I have spent no you can talk about talk about the transition.

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Okay, that's where we put you.

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I have to are you in the hallway?

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I'm spent waiting on your blessing.

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You got you on the elevator, you're on between floors?

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Yeah, the elevator is crazy.

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Okay.

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That's hilarious.

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That's actually not a bad thing.

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That's actually not bad though.

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I'm not, I'm not too mad at that.

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But I have spent the majority of my adult life as a single person.

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And I do think that those of us who, you know, are getting married, either are married, have gotten married older, like myself, or on the way to getting married, and they're gonna be, you know, mid 30s, you know, maybe dipping into your 40s.

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We have the opportunity.

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Yeah, you know, I don't know.

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You know, we have the opportunity, we we have the opportunity to help younger people in a way that when we were younger, there weren't a whole lot of people around to help us.

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And just as a point of clarification, it is not just about helping younger people because I think some of the convers, a lot of the conversations we're having is still helping me, you know.

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And I guess I'm not younger anymore.

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I just need to take a moment and sit with that, you know.

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Yeah, I'm helping helping people like me too.

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It's we're no longer the young adult.

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We're the middle adults.

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We're the middle adults, we're the middle adults, okay?

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And you really gotta you gotta sit with that, you gotta rest in it.

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Okay, what say it again?

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You gotta rest.

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Look at you.

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Yeah, I didn't even mean you gotta rest.

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You gotta rest.

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You gotta rest.

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And if um, so that was a good transition there, Jaquita.

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Thank you.

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We are talking about the rhythms, the importance of the rhythms of rest.

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My lord.

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Okay, especially as a single leader, amen.

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And this is where I think we are really differentiating between kind of the wisdom we were getting when we were in our 20s versus the wisdom that you know we're allowing God to pour through us today.

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Because I think as we were growing as leaders and as single women, the emphasis was on you're gonna be married.

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All right, and and and you just push toward marriage.

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Okay, if you keep pushing, just keep it.

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And right there down the road, there he'll be.

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You know, around the corner.

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Yeah, you know, and I think Ruth Abigail and I from two very different perspectives, right?

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From one who is in there, you know, in that marriage, you know, she pushed and apparently made it.

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And then from you know, and then from the perspective of someone who, you know, I I I feel like I I'm I'm settling into a different per into a different kind of perspective on it, like not pushing for marriage anymore, anticipating it, but not putting it as my focal point.

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Um and I think we're here to talk about what rest looks like in all of those different iterations of being single and being a leader.

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Let me say this.

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I um did not start resting at all.

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I uh intentionally, probably until maybe about three years ago.

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Three or four years ago, more so three years ago.

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Um most of my time, like I'm a worker, y'all know this, and I I I don't I'm a I'm a worker, I like to work, like it's been a part of my life.

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I I get it honest.

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Both my parents are workers, you know.

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They're you know, they one of them calls himself a workaholic.

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Uh and so I I really do get it honestly.

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And so most of my uh, you know, from when I started, you know, doing the doing the work I do now, it was all about work.

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I was working seven days a week.

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Um, and I was just rolling, right?

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I was doing as much as I possibly could.

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And so I did, I absolutely did not understand why, but but my my mentality was I don't have anything else to do.

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Why do I need to rest?

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Like, you know, and it's like I can do what like I don't have anything to do, right?

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And I wanted to fill my time up, I wanted to feel productive, I wanted to move forward and what I you know, my career, all this stuff.

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And I just took on everything.

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Now, fast forward to when I got married, and I think this is the why it's so important to unlearn this at what you know in your single years and to develop this rhythm is because when I got married, I so struggled to rest, but not not just rest, but to release things to my husband because I was so used to handling everything and taking on everything, and my body was so used to moving that I it's hard for me to be still, and it was hard to me for me to be still with him, and it's hard for me to him to let let him do things for me.

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And so that problem not find me.

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Well, yeah, like it's but it's but if you don't develop it, because what I didn't realize, it wasn't like I was trying to be that way, but I was so my b literally, my physically my body was just used to always moving and not really having not really depending on other people to really partner with me in that way.

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Hold on.

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Because that's the point right there, because I think as a sing and I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I don't want us to lose that.

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Um I I think that that's the point that for people who are single and in any type of leadership role, whether it's, you know, you know me, I'm all about the middle the middle level leadership, you know.

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Middle management.

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Middle management.

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I'm all about it, you know, until I'm not gonna be about it, amen.

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I'm about it till I don't have to be about it anymore, amen.

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You know, you don't want to speak nothing over your life and be stuck in it.

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But I think that that whole idea of, you know, I don't have anybody else to depend on, you know, and fully honest moment, it really kind of hit me just today, right?

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Because I got I have literally 50 million balls in the air right now.

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50 million projects.

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You know, I go to work, I got 5 million projects, I go to church, I got a bunch of projects, I come home, and it was I was driving to work today, calling the people for the pest control, calling the people for the trash pickup, calling the people, you know, for the yard maintenance.

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And I was like, ain't no way.

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Like I'm driving to work to handle 10 million projects, and while I'm driving, I'm handling more projects.

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And then when I get to work, any spare moment I've got, I'm thinking about all of the other projects I have to handle.

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And it you it's really isolating because you really don't feel like there's anybody that you can pass anything off to, you know, and and people, and I think so there's the weight that you're carrying in yourself of there's nobody that I can depend on.

00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:56.159
You know, I you know, even like on my uh, you wanna know what's what's a a sad time every year?

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Open enrollment, okay, as a single person.

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When you gotta refill out those insurance and um, you know, and the health insurance paperwork, and they're like, hey, so who are your beneficiaries?

00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:18.240
Well, you know, my mom, my sister, you know, anything happened, you know, who's your emergency contact?

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You know, anything happened, just call my mama.

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You know, like but it's like every year y'all asking me these same questions, and I'm like, look, yeah, all right, I'll let you know what is different, nobody else.

00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:36.159
You know, but I'm saying that because, you know, listen, it comes around every year.

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Every year they be like, hey, you want to refill out these health insurance paperwork?

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Sure.

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Uh-huh.

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Sure, why not?

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You know, but it's like there's nobody, you know, while I'm struggling with this idea of I don't feel like I have anyone to pass the buck to or anyone to really depend on for much of the things that I have going on.

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There's also this feeling of everyone is depending on me.

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You know, like everyone is like, hey, you know who can do that?

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Quita.

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Yeah.

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Get her.

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Okay, she's single.

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She's single and she's a leader.

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Yeah.

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Grab her up.

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Yeah.

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Put her in the positions to do the things.

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And it's it's like it's ballooning.

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It's like some, you know, they say uh the same people who blow your balloon up will be the ones to let the air out.

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I I I I I'm looking at it differently now.

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You know, this whole blow the balloon up is like it is no longer, man, Quita's so good at it.

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It's now a Quita can do it.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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You know, who can do it?

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Quita.

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You know, and the moment, but also feeling like there's a like a level of surveillance because people are like, I wonder if she's gonna, if she's gonna drop something.

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And and that's what you and that's what makes it feel so difficult to rest, because you're like, I'm gonna drop some of these balls.

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Yeah.

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Like something is not something is not gonna stay in rotation.

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Something's not gonna make it.

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Um, and I think, you know, we'll talk about it in a little bit, but I think you have to learn a different rhythm.

00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:19.679
Yeah.

00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:22.480
Or or else you will indeed drop everything.

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It's not just gonna be one, you're gonna drop it all.

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Yeah, and and so with the with the different rhythm.

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I, you know, my father just did a sermon on Sabbath.

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It's so interesting.

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And you and you know, me and me and I've I guess I've asked you this a few times in our conversations, Tweeta.

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Like, what is your Sabbath life looking like?

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That's not even something we've taught we talk about, we have talked about traditionally in the 20-something years we've known each other.

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Like, I may have used that word with you five times, and it's probably been in the last month.

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And so, like, so it's what's your Sabbath and what's your prayer life like?

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You know, now that Ruth Abigail's asking me these questions, I'm like, darn, let me get my life together.

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Because you know something off if I mess it.

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Stop.

00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:08.799
No, I'll just play it.

00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:16.720
But uh, but I think that this idea of Sabbath, like you know, my father just finished a uh well, is doing a sermon series on it.

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And um, I think that uh one of the things that he he said was when you look at the Ten Commandments, like the Sabbath, uh remember the Sabbath to keep it holy is the fourth commandment.

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Um usually that's the only part of the commandment we we actually say.

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But in in in Exodus uh 20, I think it is.

00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:43.120
Um chapter 12, I think it's when the Ten Commandments are.

00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:44.799
Don't quote me, but I think that's right.

00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:52.799
Um it it actually it's not just that, it's 150 words in the commandment, right?

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Which is significantly more words than any other commandment, right?

00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:04.159
And so one of the one of the questions he posed is why does God spend so much time on that commandment?

00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:06.960
And um, you know, two two things.

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Number one, it's so hard for us.

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It's the hardest commandment for us to do.

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Um and the other thing is because God intends for us, intends for it to be a gift for us.

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We don't see it as a gift, and um, and so I think that the thing about being single and in being single in general and being in the leadership, but being single and resting, I know for me it was it, it felt guilt, I felt guilty doing it.

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I felt like I was wasting time.

00:14:38.720 --> 00:15:02.720
Um, and it but it also was there is this underlying uh this underlying belief or you know, message that the church has for single people that is that says you don't get to rest until you have a family.

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Let's be real, let's be real.

00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:08.000
But Sabbath is for everybody.

00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:09.600
Yeah.

00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:21.840
But we don't present that to it to single people or present it in a way that can that can um that can really that single people can relate to, right?

00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:31.360
Yeah, and I think that it's missing and it and it and it sends sometimes an unintentional message that you have to wait to rest.

00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:41.840
You know, um I was walking today, and as I was walking, I was praying, because you know, I had a long walk around the campus that I work at today.

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Um and I really, you know, I was really just just laying some things out before the Lord.

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Like, like, Lord, here's my heart.

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And the Lord, as I was walking, he literally said, Okay, now here's my heart towards you.

00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:00.240
Like you've told me what you desire.

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Let me tell you what I desire for you.

00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:08.000
And the things that the Lord was saying was that I desire that you be fulfilled.

00:16:08.240 --> 00:16:15.759
I desire that you, you know, live knowing how loved you are and how wonderful you are and how special you are, you know.

00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:23.519
And I think that that's such a different message than I desire you to know how good you are at working.

00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:28.399
Man, you know, I desire for you to know how productive you can be.

00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:32.159
You know, I desire for you to be really successful, right?

00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:41.679
You know, and it it really shifted my understanding just even in that moment of who God is.

00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:59.039
You know, God is not, you know, a God that's like, all right, I gave you your to-do list, you know, and I'm checking it, and I'm checking it twice, you know, and get the things done, you know, and we have turned kingdom into business.

00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:06.880
We have turned kingdom into, you know, how much did you produce?

00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:09.519
Man, you know, how many souls did you say?

00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:12.079
You know, how many sermons did you preach?

00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:25.279
You know, how much did you and it's it's not it's not um it's not relational anymore, even though we try to put those terms on it, yeah, because it doesn't allow you to retreat with God.

00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:26.240
That's good.

00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:30.880
It says you need to be out in the highways and the byways all the time.

00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:43.680
Yeah, and there is when you think about that commandment of Sabbath, it is a it doesn't matter how much you think you can do, I'm telling you to come and sit with me.

00:17:44.000 --> 00:18:00.000
Man, I'm telling you that I'm not that dependent on you to get things done, that I don't want to spend time with just you outside of what you can do or what you can produce.

00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:01.440
Can we talk about that?

00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:04.240
I'm not so dependent on you to get things done.

00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:34.559
We have this belief that um, you know, I I have a um, you know, I I lead a team, so I have six employees and I, you know, I often like what I what I what I what I realized that I think, and I say I told this, I said this to Quita earlier, is for some I falsely think that God is false, God is my employee.

00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:37.119
In other words, God is on my stack, right?

00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:50.720
He's my I mean honestly, he's like it is because it's so weird, but I act like that because it's like I I I believe that he need like he needs me to get things done, and really it's the other I am his employee.

00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:51.680
Yeah, all right.

00:18:51.839 --> 00:18:54.720
See, we're gonna bring God in to help uh get some of his work done.

00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:57.440
We're gonna help him get it done all right to get some of this work done, right?

00:18:57.519 --> 00:18:57.839
Right, right.

00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:04.960
He's gonna figure it out, you know, he's gonna come in for a little bit and just try to help us get ahead.

00:19:05.039 --> 00:19:05.759
You know what I mean?

00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:10.319
Um that's like this is what we I did.

00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:11.759
I'd really be treating God like that.

00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:12.720
That's crazy.

00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:19.680
And God reminded me in our conversation earlier, girl, you on my staff, not the opposite.

00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:24.640
Like, yeah, and so I yeah, a contract worker.

00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:27.200
Yes, actually, that's probably more like it, Joy.

00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:27.920
Thank you for that.

00:19:28.079 --> 00:19:34.319
Um, and so like it's like, no, you on my staff, not the other way around, not on your staff, you're on my staff.

00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:38.240
And it's like, so when I tell you to take off, you take off.

00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:39.599
Come on here.

00:19:39.839 --> 00:19:42.240
Go, go sit down somewhere because I got it.

00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.759
Listen, let's just get let's just get right into it, okay?

00:19:46.079 --> 00:19:55.440
Because I think the thing that I have had to learn in these mid to late 30s, and yes, we are officially about to be in these late 30s, okay?

00:19:56.880 --> 00:19:58.720
It's not necessarily it's the truth, okay?

00:19:58.799 --> 00:19:59.200
It's the truth.

00:19:59.279 --> 00:20:01.039
What you gonna do with We hit 40.

00:20:01.279 --> 00:20:01.599
Okay.

00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:04.640
You're gonna be like, I'm 30, 11.

00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:06.240
No, I like that.

00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:06.960
That's good.

00:20:07.119 --> 00:20:08.960
Just like 2011, 30, 11.

00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:09.440
Okay.

00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:18.079
Nevertheless, I think the thing that has given me, you have to be able to find peace and grace.

00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:18.880
Yes.

00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:34.640
You have to be able, and because the Lord gives us those moments to rest and rejuvenate and to come back to ourselves and to come back alive and to, you know, and to and to really hear him again and feel him again.

00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:46.480
And he gives us those moments, but because we uh uh treat grace like it's in the way sometimes, like we're like, I don't, I don't have time.

00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:48.000
I don't have time for grace.

00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:49.920
Yeah, I don't have time for this.

00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:51.759
I need to get this done.

00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:58.559
You know, I just recently had probably what's like my biggest event of the year, orientation, right?

00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:08.079
So I run the the orientation for the graduate school, um, and I had been stressing out.

00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:11.279
Like I had, I mean, seriously, y'all.

00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:16.960
I had been at work till like 11 o'clock at night, just trying to pump out materials, get stuff ready.

00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:19.440
I mean, it was so much to do.

00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:22.880
It was an enormous workload.

00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:25.440
Like, it was beyond crazy.

00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:33.200
Um, and I, the day of orientation, like I would get on stage and I would I'd be like dynamite, like boom.

00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:38.799
And then like people would see me in the hall and I'd be like, and they'd be like, Yeah, you're not so energetic now.

00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:39.920
Are you huh?

00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:42.400
And I'd be like, get out my face.

00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:46.000
Okay, sit down and hush.

00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:47.279
I'm gonna be just fine.

00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:58.400
But you know, after after orientation, I crashed, I got really sick, like, you know, like my entire body was like, so so you think you can bounce back like you in your 20s.

00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.440
Yep, right.

00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:07.759
You think you can depend on your body and your mind and your hustle to get things done.

00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:08.480
That's right.

00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:13.839
So, so you think you can just rely on you and you and make things happen.

00:22:14.559 --> 00:22:15.440
Absolutely not.

00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:16.240
Absolutely not.

00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:22.880
You have got to learn to find the peace in the grace that God allocates us.

00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:28.720
He said that there is grace according to the measure of the gift that you've been given.

00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:29.759
You have grace.

00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:33.920
And I think a lot of times we treat grace like, oh yeah, if I make a mistake, grace covers it.

00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.960
But the Lord is like, no, you're human.

00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.960
You you get what I'm saying?

00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.119
Like, you're gonna make mistakes.

00:22:41.359 --> 00:23:02.160
You're not, you're not physically able to do the the things that God has envisioned and planned for his people, for the kingdom, for the world, and some of that stuff that he has positioned you to impact and influence, you're not physically able to do it by yourself.

00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:03.680
You are absolutely not.

00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:07.200
And lest we forget, rest is a command.

00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:10.240
And wrap it back around.

00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:16.240
No, no, well, because I do think because it is a gift, yeah, and it's also a command.

00:23:16.480 --> 00:23:20.000
Like, yeah, it is not, it's really not up for debate.

00:23:20.240 --> 00:23:35.039
Like God God gave us this, uh He gave us this gift, but He has commanded us to do it because He knows that we have to have it to be functional in the kingdom of God.

00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:44.000
You really cannot be functional in God's kingdom in the way you need to be if you put everything on your shoulders.

00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:46.400
That is not the way it's designed to be.

00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:47.200
Let me know.

00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:51.440
And so, you know, and so anyway, I just think it's something we have to remember.

00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:55.599
It's not a suggestion, it's not a this would be really good to do.

00:23:55.920 --> 00:24:01.279
Um, it really it's a command, it's as strong of a command as don't kill nobody.

00:24:01.920 --> 00:24:06.640
We ain't you, you know, you ain't out here killing folk, but you out here, you know, overworking.

00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:07.920
You know what I'm saying?

00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:12.720
Okay, Rue.

00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:15.759
Shoot him up the name then.

00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:20.079
Like that's what we that's what we're out here doing.

00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:20.799
You know what I'm saying?

00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:23.200
And so we gotta we gotta check ourselves.

00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:27.039
Listen, um, rest is a pride checker.

00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:32.400
It come up come on, then it is a it is a pride checker, right?

00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:41.359
Because you can get so caught up in the well, you know, I'm the one that they call for the job, you know, so it gotta be me.

00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:45.759
And it gotta be, you know, I gotta, I gotta put in the extra hours.

00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:47.680
I gotta put in the extra effort.

00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:49.680
I gotta bring this work home with me.

00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:53.839
I gotta stay at the office later than, you know, the rest of the team.

00:24:54.079 --> 00:24:59.519
Okay, because it's me, you know, it's my skill set, it's my abilities.

00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:04.480
But you know, but we get so caught up in the it's me, it's me.

00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:06.559
They're depending on me, right?

00:25:06.799 --> 00:25:26.079
That we don't see that sneaky little pride that has come in, and that has tried and is now convincing you that, right, that like everybody is looking at you, everybody is centered around you, everything is dependent on you, right?

00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:28.079
And it's now the you show.

00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:29.839
Man, that man.

00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:37.440
It's now the story of you, and you can't carry the good news because all you have is the news of you.

00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:38.640
Uh-oh.

00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:45.440
And so you can't tell, how can we tell people that Jesus saves when we can't rest in salvation?

00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:51.200
Come on, look, you get what I'm saying, the facts.

00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:58.319
Because a lot of times when we think about sin, we say, Well, I'm not sleeping around, I ain't doing this and I ain't doing that.

00:25:58.480 --> 00:26:02.160
I don't talk, I don't backbite, I don't da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

00:26:02.880 --> 00:26:06.880
But you continuously ignore the commands of God.

00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:07.680
Come on, man.

00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:13.680
And the unction, and not just because you know what I'm saying, we have the command, like the command is written, right?

00:26:13.759 --> 00:26:20.319
But we also have the Holy Spirit that is trying to lead and guide you in what you may not have read in a while.

00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:23.759
He's he the Holy Spirit is like, Hey, you you really need to lay down.

00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:24.880
You need to sit down.

00:26:25.119 --> 00:26:27.759
You need to, I need to go lay down.

00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:38.000
You know, like you really, you really, you really are becoming way too focused on yourself, way too dependent on you.

00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:39.119
Right?

00:26:39.359 --> 00:26:42.720
Yeah, and and you have to, and that's what I mean.

00:26:42.799 --> 00:26:45.279
There is a rhythm to it.

00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:51.920
Yeah, there is a, you know, I have gotten to the point now that I feel the Lord when He's like, enough.

00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:53.759
That's it.

00:26:54.480 --> 00:26:54.960
That's it.

00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:56.000
You ain't doing no more.

00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:56.480
That's it.

00:26:56.720 --> 00:26:57.200
Go home.

00:26:57.440 --> 00:26:58.160
Go home.

00:26:58.400 --> 00:26:58.960
Go home.

00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:00.720
Don't open the laptop.

00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:01.279
That's it.

00:27:01.519 --> 00:27:02.559
So open the laptop.

00:27:02.720 --> 00:27:04.000
Don't take it out your car.

00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:04.880
Don't take that car.

00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:05.440
I don't know.

00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:06.720
I'll be taking it out of my car, you know.

00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:08.079
You need to take it out your car.

00:27:08.160 --> 00:27:09.039
You live in Memphis.

00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:10.960
All right, okay.

00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:12.480
Not be leaving that laptop.

00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:13.920
Hey, hey, okay.

00:27:14.160 --> 00:27:15.680
I don't know where our listeners live.

00:27:15.759 --> 00:27:17.759
Don't be leaving that laptop in the car.

00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:21.759
Go ahead and grab it, you know, put it by the front door or something, leave it in the bag.

00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:22.400
Fine.

00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:23.599
Leave it in the living room.

00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:24.880
Leave it in the car.

00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:27.279
But I'll be leaving mine in the car sometime.

00:27:27.440 --> 00:27:27.839
Memphis is.

00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:29.759
I'm sure because you do risky things.

00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:31.119
But nevertheless.

00:27:31.759 --> 00:27:40.400
But I I I think that you know, I want to, I wanna I I do want to circle back to this dependent, like everybody's dependent on me thing.

00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:52.960
Can we can we just get a little vulnerable for uh uh for those who are single and let's just and I and I and I felt this way, right?

00:27:53.200 --> 00:28:17.039
It can be very you want it to be because you want to be dependent on by a husband and family that you don't have, and you want to feel that, and so sometimes it it's like I I want to feel needed, so I put myself in a position to be overly needed because I'm missing that.

00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:19.680
And can we just be real?

00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:21.119
I mean, that's that's a real thing.

00:28:21.440 --> 00:28:23.039
I mean, hey, that's what we're here to do.

00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:33.759
Yeah, you know, I uh I had this uh this thought of how um how dangerous a group chat can get.

00:28:34.000 --> 00:28:44.400
You know, like you got your you got your friend group chat, and everybody, you know, some most group chats, you know, they're not everybody has different group chats for different things, right?

00:28:44.640 --> 00:28:50.079
Some of them group chats are only where people put their big life occurrences, right?

00:28:50.160 --> 00:28:53.359
Like, hey guys, went on a date, you know.

00:28:53.680 --> 00:29:22.640
Hey guys, you know, he asked me out again, hey guys, you know, look, ring, okay, hey guys, y'all coming to the baby shower, you know, and so as a single person, you realize that you know, you making a lot more prayer requests than than than than praise reports, you know, like you know, like you, you know, you're you're you're not celebrated.

00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:29.440
You know, nobody is is coming for your for the moments of your life.

00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.039
And so what do you do?

00:29:31.359 --> 00:29:34.480
You start making the moments of your life about your work.

00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:35.039
That's it.

00:29:35.200 --> 00:29:37.119
And so it's hey guys, I got a promotion.

00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:37.680
That's it.

00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:39.599
Hey guys, I got this award.

00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:42.559
Hey guys, uh they they gave me a raise.

00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:43.279
Yep, right?

00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:47.519
And it's like I gotta have something to put in this group chat.

00:29:47.920 --> 00:29:52.480
I have to have I and you gotta be able to tell your family something when you go home for the holiday.

00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:56.160
Let's you gotta be because you already know they're coming in hot.

00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:57.440
They coming in, okay.

00:29:57.680 --> 00:29:58.960
They're coming in hot.

00:29:59.359 --> 00:30:01.279
Okay, and they ready for you.

00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:06.720
They they ready with the ain't no prospects without any prospects.

00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:08.559
So you ain't talking to nobody.

00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:12.720
You too pretty to not be talking to nobody, you know.

00:30:12.880 --> 00:30:15.359
I just think you such a you a good woman.

00:30:15.440 --> 00:30:19.119
I don't understand why you know they're coming in hot.

00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:20.079
Right.

00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:20.720
They stay on.

00:30:20.880 --> 00:30:24.240
And so you're trying to, you're trying to add some layers.

00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:28.079
Like, hey, everybody, you're trying to divert and redirect.

00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:28.799
Yeah, right.

00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:29.839
Look over here.

00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:32.640
Yeah, you shining a light like a little trick.

00:30:32.720 --> 00:30:34.400
Like, oh, look on the wall, y'all.

00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:35.519
Look on the show.

00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:40.319
You're like, hey, but work is going great, right?

00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:53.200
And so you're throwing yourself into what you can be uh celebrated for, and what, and not just for that external validation, but for that internal validation.

00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:53.839
For sure.

00:30:54.000 --> 00:31:07.440
That, like, hey, these years of my life are not wasted, yeah, you know, or I'm not insignificant because sometimes there's nobody else to tell you that you're doing a good job.

00:31:07.839 --> 00:31:18.480
Or that, like, and not just doing a good job on your job, but doing a good job as a woman, as a man, as just in love, you know, as an individual, right?

00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:30.480
What's even more hurtful is that sometimes most of the people who depend on you don't even ever fully acknowledge how much you've given.

00:31:31.519 --> 00:31:32.559
You know what I'm saying?

00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:41.599
And you over here overworking yourself, yeah, waiting on somebody to say, man, they the the contribution that this person has made.

00:31:41.759 --> 00:31:42.079
Yeah.

00:31:42.319 --> 00:31:42.799
Wow.

00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:43.200
Right.

00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:44.400
And you don't get it.

00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:49.359
You know, and and I think another time that you really feel it is birthdays.

00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:54.160
Because you know, in college older you get, oh my gosh.

00:31:54.400 --> 00:31:56.480
In college, we planned each other's birthdays.

00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:56.960
Yep.

00:31:57.119 --> 00:32:07.039
Now we'd be sitting there, like, all right, so what we're gonna do is, guys, if you'll meet me here for dinner, I'd love to see as many people as can come.

00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:24.640
Okay, you know, and so all of those things fuel our desire to not rest because we feel like we're still pushing for those areas where we can be recognized or where we can feel included and important and a part of things.

00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:29.119
You know, especially, and this will be my last point now, Pastor Baton.

00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:39.359
But as adult leaders and as single leaders, most of us, not the story for Ruth Abigail at the moment, but most of us don't live around family.

00:32:39.599 --> 00:32:41.839
We live in different cities than our families.

00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:42.640
That's very true.

00:32:42.960 --> 00:32:55.119
We live in, you know, we have had to create community, but there's always this realization that even in this created community, this created community is not my family.

00:32:55.279 --> 00:33:01.920
Like they are they are like family, but everybody goes to their families at some point.

00:33:02.240 --> 00:33:14.559
And when you are in a created community, sometimes it'd be like, well, dang, I, you know, everybody else went over there to their mama house, auntie house, somebody house, and I ain't got nowhere to go.

00:33:14.640 --> 00:33:16.400
So let me just go do some work.

00:33:17.599 --> 00:33:27.440
Can I tell you, like, I yeah, and yes, I have, I do have family here, but the the amount of times that that has been that had that had been my story, like I'm just gonna go do some work.

00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:28.480
I'm just gonna keep working.

00:33:28.559 --> 00:33:29.839
I'm just gonna stay up and work.

00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:31.119
I'm just gonna do this work.

00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:32.720
You know, I'll that's fine, y'all.

00:33:32.799 --> 00:33:34.079
I'll close the building, no problem.

00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:35.599
Like, you know, that kind of thing.

00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:37.279
I'll close the building as crazy.

00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:40.799
I'll take, I'll take the kid, I'll take them home, like, no problem with the kids.

00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:41.440
Like, I'll take them.

00:33:41.599 --> 00:33:42.000
That's fine.

00:33:42.079 --> 00:33:42.640
I got it.

00:33:42.880 --> 00:33:46.160
You know, and because I think you're absolutely right.

00:33:46.319 --> 00:33:50.240
It is that feeling of you want to feel significant, you want to feel valued.

00:33:50.319 --> 00:33:55.599
And that's not something you you know that you're not gonna feel that when you get to your house.

00:33:56.079 --> 00:34:00.000
Like, and because again, there's nobody there to give that to you.

00:34:00.079 --> 00:34:03.279
So it's almost like, how much can I soak up before I get home?

00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:08.719
And yeah, um, I think that that's really I think that's really real.

00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:19.679
I will say again, um, and then I and then we'll we'll talk about kind of a something I think we need to get clear on as to what rest really is and what it isn't.

00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:42.800
Um, but what I have what I've absolutely seen in being married for two years is uh when you understand how to uh how to rest well and also in that you are uh practicing humility, like Queen was saying, which is so important in a marriage.

00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:57.360
You're practicing trust, which is so important in a marriage, and you're practicing um you're practicing uh partnership, which is which is so important in a marriage.

00:34:57.599 --> 00:35:08.880
You you know, if and so rest in the way you're as a single person in leadership, and as you know, if you are a Jesus follower, those things you practice with God.

00:35:09.039 --> 00:35:19.840
You practice humility, you practice um partnership, you practice trust by stopping and allowing God to do what you're not doing, right?

00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:28.880
And that and those are things that you can practice with the Lord before you practice it with a a spouse.

00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:34.320
And you when you get the spouse, it won't be so unfamiliar.

00:35:34.559 --> 00:35:38.400
And I can say that for me, it was unfamiliar.

00:35:38.559 --> 00:35:42.559
Like I was not I had to I had to figure it out.

00:35:42.719 --> 00:35:49.599
I wish I had spent more time um understanding rest uh and and and what that really meant.

00:35:49.920 --> 00:36:03.920
Because I think I would have I think I would have entered into you know my my marriage uh with with a lighter a little lighter, right?

00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:07.760
Um and not feeling like you know, yeah, like yeah, like that, yeah.

00:36:07.840 --> 00:36:08.239
Mm-hmm.

00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:08.639
Yeah.

00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:16.480
And not and not feeling that I had to carry so much weight um by myself.

00:36:16.639 --> 00:36:29.599
And and so, but some of that is just learning how to do life with a person, but some of it really is like undoing and unlearning these bad habits um that you know a lot of us pick up while we're single.

00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:39.599
So with that, we talk about rest, but I think something like we have to get real clear on what rest is and what it isn't, and so um we want to talk about three different things, right?

00:36:39.679 --> 00:36:50.239
We've been talking about rest, but there are two other things that I think can disguise themselves as rest and in our lives that we have to be careful that we're not replacing rest with these things.

00:36:50.559 --> 00:36:53.760
Uh the first thing is um escapism.

00:36:54.320 --> 00:36:54.719
My lord.

00:36:55.039 --> 00:36:56.639
Rest is not escaping.

00:36:57.280 --> 00:36:57.760
My lord.

00:36:58.159 --> 00:37:07.760
Um I full disclosure in the last I have recently practiced, been practicing escapism, pretending like it was rest.

00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:20.960
So uh this is something that I personally struggle with uh because I tend to like to free my mind because my mind is always like it's always on.

00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:22.639
And so I like to free it.

00:37:22.719 --> 00:37:25.599
Like I don't want to think about anything, I don't want to deal with anything.

00:37:25.679 --> 00:37:30.639
I don't want to, you know, I don't want to put my brain on anything, I don't want it to be heavy, whatever, right?

00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:36.960
And I and so I I I I rest, but really what I do is I escape.

00:37:37.119 --> 00:37:42.400
I'm I I use entertainment um for escape for the most part.

00:37:42.639 --> 00:37:44.960
And so I'll binge watch stuff.

00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:49.280
Um, you know, I will just I'll just that's what I'll do.

00:37:49.360 --> 00:37:50.320
I'll binge watch stuff.

00:37:50.400 --> 00:37:52.000
Most of the time it's stuff I've seen before.

00:37:52.239 --> 00:37:55.440
Sometimes it's new stuff, but most of the time it's stuff I've seen before.

00:37:55.599 --> 00:37:57.679
I don't really want to be surprised by nothing.

00:37:57.920 --> 00:38:01.360
I just want to watch stuff and I don't answer my phone.

00:38:01.519 --> 00:38:03.119
Um, I don't want to talk to nobody.

00:38:03.199 --> 00:38:05.199
I just want to get into somebody else's world.

00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:17.280
And so um I think that when I say escapism, what I mean is the act of leaving your reality going somewhere else.

00:38:18.159 --> 00:38:18.559
Right.

00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:22.000
And you know, you are you are not dealing with your own reality.

00:38:22.239 --> 00:38:29.760
And as a leader, it it is there's a lot of reality I don't feel like dealing with sometimes.

00:38:30.079 --> 00:38:30.320
Yeah.

00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:36.159
And so yeah, I f so I find myself escaping, knowing that I need to rest.

00:38:36.239 --> 00:38:38.079
And resting is not escaping, right?

00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:56.880
Uh resting is uh is facing your reality, understanding that uh your reality does does not have to your reality doesn't have to be the end of the story.

00:38:57.280 --> 00:39:07.199
It is what it is right now, if it's a reality you're not really happy with, and understanding that God can God has the ability to change that reality.

00:39:07.519 --> 00:39:09.760
Um even when I don't, you know what I'm saying?

00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:12.639
And so that that's the that would be the difference between that.

00:39:13.039 --> 00:39:21.679
Yeah, and I think it's important to note that when you are escaping, like you are literally carrying your things with you.

00:39:21.920 --> 00:39:31.599
Like, even though you're not acknowledging them, you're like, I'm just gonna sit these down over here in the corner while I go to my other reality, uh-huh, right?

00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:47.199
But you are not again, it's it is still this pride of life thing where you are not giving it to God, where you are not carrying it because a lot of what happens in rest is honesty.

00:39:47.599 --> 00:39:49.280
That's right, absolutely.

00:39:49.599 --> 00:39:57.119
A lot of what happens in rest, you know, uh the other day, just the other day, because I want y'all to know these are current.

00:39:57.440 --> 00:39:58.239
This is current, y'all.

00:39:58.800 --> 00:39:59.760
It's real, you know, this is not.

00:40:00.400 --> 00:40:01.760
This is not reflection.

00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:08.159
This is not, you know, five years ago, I too struggled with not no current.

00:40:08.559 --> 00:40:17.920
I had just gotten back home from a long day at work, and it felt like everything that I had going on, it was like crushing.

00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:19.920
Like it was sitting on top of me.

00:40:20.159 --> 00:40:21.599
I drove in my driveway.

00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:25.440
I was sitting there, and something told me Jaquita just breathed.

00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:32.079
And so I was just like, four in, hold for four, four out, hold for four.

00:40:32.159 --> 00:40:38.880
Like I was like, let me practice this little breathing cycle that they said would help relax my nerves.

00:40:39.119 --> 00:40:40.880
And I and it and it worked.

00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:46.480
I felt myself coming down from what was feeling like anxiety.

00:40:47.199 --> 00:40:53.599
Um, and I feel like sometimes we don't, especially like our age group, we don't like to talk about anxiety as much.

00:40:53.840 --> 00:41:02.400
You know, like we do, but a lot of times we talk about it in reference to like younger, yeah, like the younger leaders.

00:41:02.480 --> 00:41:07.199
Like, but with us, we're like, you know, I might be anxious, but you know, be pushed through.

00:41:07.599 --> 00:41:07.679
Right.

00:41:07.920 --> 00:41:08.880
You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:11.360
I might be a little stressed, but I push right on good.

00:41:11.840 --> 00:41:14.559
You know, I don't let it stop me, you know.

00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:34.159
But I I felt, I felt like the stress, you know, and and what we don't always acknowledge is that that that anxiety that we claim we don't have, or that's not stopping us, or that we're pushing to, pushing through, is causing us to implode.

00:41:34.639 --> 00:41:52.800
Like there are little, you know, fireworks happening on the inside of you, and you are literally imploding on the inside because you are not having a real release of all of the stress and all of the the anxious thoughts and the worry.

00:41:52.960 --> 00:41:55.280
Like you are not releasing that.

00:41:55.440 --> 00:42:01.039
And so instead, it is on the inside of you causing many attacks.

00:42:01.199 --> 00:42:01.440
Yeah.

00:42:01.599 --> 00:42:01.920
Right.

00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:04.639
And those show up later in our health.

00:42:04.800 --> 00:42:10.400
You know, right now we're in our you know, mid to late 30s, some of us in our early 40s, right?

00:42:10.559 --> 00:42:15.840
We're at this middle adult age where it's almost like you are at a crossroads.

00:42:16.159 --> 00:42:19.679
What do you want your 50s, 60s, and 70s to look like?

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:41.679
Because if you continue to internalize and calling yourself escaping instead of facing things, you are gonna be sitting in your 50s and 60s, and what now feels like an attack that you can just push to the side, it's gonna start showing up in your body as physical attacks.

00:42:41.920 --> 00:42:43.519
Yeah, that's right, right?

00:42:43.679 --> 00:42:52.480
It's gonna show up, and I I don't want anyone to claim anything, but I want all of us to be real about how we are treating ourselves.

00:42:52.559 --> 00:42:52.960
That's right.

00:42:53.199 --> 00:43:04.719
Because it is not just about eating the right things and going to the gym, it is about really taking care of your entire, full embodied self.

00:43:04.880 --> 00:43:10.400
Yeah, and rest is such a critical key part of that.

00:43:10.880 --> 00:43:24.880
And when we practice escapism, where we numb ourselves to what's going on, instead of saying, hey, my body is giving me indications that something is not okay.

00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:27.440
And I need to address that.

00:43:27.599 --> 00:43:32.800
And it's like we only address it when we feel like we can take a pill for it, right?

00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:35.360
Or when we feel like we can, you know what I'm saying?

00:43:35.519 --> 00:43:41.840
And so you, you know, your movies, my shopping, because that's what I do.

00:43:42.079 --> 00:43:44.000
I be like, let's hit the streets.

00:43:44.320 --> 00:43:49.920
I'm going to Nordstrom Rack, all right, and it's I'm gonna shop my worries away.

00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:51.599
You know, I don't even be buying stuff.

00:43:51.760 --> 00:43:57.679
I just be like, let me get a little pair of earrings or something, you know, make me feel like I still got it.

00:43:57.920 --> 00:44:03.599
You know, but but those things are not the answer.

00:44:04.639 --> 00:44:19.360
And you are preventing yourself from moving toward the answer, and you're gonna numb, you're gonna numb, and then it's it's gonna it's gonna come even harder because now we have to get past what you've numbed.

00:44:19.519 --> 00:44:19.920
Yeah.

00:44:20.159 --> 00:44:21.119
You get what I'm saying?

00:44:21.199 --> 00:44:29.519
Like in order for the Lord to help you to feel how badly you're treating yourself, man, it's gonna have to get real, real bad.

00:44:29.679 --> 00:44:30.000
Yeah.

00:44:30.480 --> 00:44:35.440
Because you didn't you didn't rest when it was just minor.

00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:38.000
Now we got major complications.

00:44:38.159 --> 00:44:38.719
That's real.

00:44:38.880 --> 00:44:42.000
Which is what happened after I did orientation.

00:44:42.320 --> 00:44:44.559
My body was run down.

00:44:45.360 --> 00:44:47.360
Now now we got a major complication.

00:44:47.440 --> 00:44:50.159
Now this is gonna take you a few days to get over.

00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:54.320
Now, now you over here trying to figure out why I can't breathe.

00:44:54.480 --> 00:44:54.880
Yeah.

00:44:55.119 --> 00:45:07.360
You can't breathe because you allowed what you were going through and what what you were doing to have more weight than the grace, the mercy, and the love of God.

00:45:07.920 --> 00:45:13.280
And if you have, and if you learn to rest in God, escapism won't keep you from him.

00:45:13.599 --> 00:45:16.880
Man, and that's I think that's what I that's what I've had to be.

00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:30.480
That's God has convicted me of that lately, is uh, you know, just the other day, I I was feeling physically just something was sitting like like very much sitting on me.

00:45:30.559 --> 00:45:31.840
And I was like, what is that?

00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:33.280
It was affecting my appetite.

00:45:33.920 --> 00:45:36.079
Um I was like, what is this?

00:45:36.239 --> 00:45:38.000
Like, I don't know what this is.

00:45:38.239 --> 00:45:50.400
And one morning I spent about two and a half hours, about two and a half, three hours in the presence of God, in the in reading, praying, journaling.

00:45:50.880 --> 00:45:52.880
I didn't even realize how much time it passed.

00:45:53.360 --> 00:45:58.400
But like I I I realized I this this I have not been doing.

00:45:58.559 --> 00:46:01.920
And I there were things I had to get out that I had not gotten out.

00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:08.159
There were there were realities that I just was not, I just wasn't facing.

00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:11.199
Like it was just like I just don't feel like it, right?

00:46:11.440 --> 00:46:20.159
Um and I was I've been binge watching certain shows, I've just been doing that, and like, you know, I'm tired.

00:46:20.320 --> 00:46:21.119
I'm just resting.

00:46:21.199 --> 00:46:22.079
I just want to rest.

00:46:22.400 --> 00:46:24.559
And it's like you weren't resting, you were escaping.

00:46:25.119 --> 00:46:30.559
And and and this is this is and the feeling you have to your point.

00:46:30.880 --> 00:46:38.639
It didn't all I didn't always feel it that physically, but it got to that point where it's like, okay, something's off, and I don't, I don't, I can't, I don't know what it is.

00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:47.360
And it was it was when I realized like and and God just revealed to me, like, you have not been with me.

00:46:48.000 --> 00:47:03.440
You've been this you've been you've been using the comfort of what man created and not resting in the creator.

00:47:04.159 --> 00:47:05.920
And that that was my problem.

00:47:06.559 --> 00:47:07.039
Wow.

00:47:07.519 --> 00:47:12.480
And it was very it was very convicting, and it was like, I'm sorry, Lord.

00:47:12.880 --> 00:47:20.320
Like I I've been doing that and I and I've been I've been resting in the wrong things, and it's not sustainable, and it's not real rest.

00:47:20.800 --> 00:47:27.440
Um so yeah, like I I yeah, that that is that is something I'm constantly having to like check myself with.

00:47:27.840 --> 00:47:32.400
It it it is it is a it's a it's a weakness of mine, and it's something I have to continue to do.

00:47:32.639 --> 00:47:39.840
Um I think I think the other thing, you know, and this might on the surface sound the same.

00:47:40.079 --> 00:47:42.400
I genuinely don't think it is, right?

00:47:42.800 --> 00:47:47.039
Um like what I believe is you move from one to the other, right?

00:47:47.119 --> 00:47:51.840
So when you escape long enough, you begin to live a life of avoidance.

00:47:52.960 --> 00:48:00.320
So now you've been escaping and escaping so long, it's almost as if that thing doesn't even exist anymore.

00:48:00.719 --> 00:48:03.119
It's just not even a thing, right?

00:48:03.440 --> 00:48:16.079
Um and you don't think about it, you don't talk about it, you don't, you know, there's nothing you you active your brain actively just erases it, even though it is still very present, it's still very real.

00:48:16.719 --> 00:48:21.360
And so and that to me, Queen, I don't know, you I I I like to hear your thoughts on it.

00:48:21.440 --> 00:48:26.159
I think where you were talking about the physical nature of things, that's when things to your point get really bad.

00:48:26.320 --> 00:48:36.239
When you've been when you go from using using escapism to getting to a place where you completely avoid and deny reality.

00:48:37.840 --> 00:48:52.239
And now you're living as though something isn't just right there that you need to deal with, and it is impacting you physically, but it's not even even the physical impact, you you you'll blame it on something else.

00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:54.159
You know what I mean?

00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:55.039
Yeah.

00:48:55.280 --> 00:49:02.000
I think I vividly remember I used to live an hour and a half away from my home.

00:49:02.639 --> 00:49:03.519
Jesus.

00:49:03.760 --> 00:49:10.079
Um, and I vividly remember yes, I used to live an hour and a half away from my job.

00:49:10.239 --> 00:49:15.599
So I used to commute an hour about an hour to an hour and a half, depending on what was going on.

00:49:15.760 --> 00:49:19.039
Uh I used to commute, uh, you know, that long drive.

00:49:19.199 --> 00:49:30.159
And I remember there were times I would drive up to my house and know that there was no one in there and that any type of comfort or solace.

00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:33.440
I I was just like, nope.

00:49:33.920 --> 00:49:36.239
And I would just drive by my house.

00:49:36.400 --> 00:49:36.559
Wow.

00:49:36.800 --> 00:49:41.360
And I would go like, let me go find some food, or you know, Ross is still open.

00:49:41.440 --> 00:49:44.800
That's why I go to Ross so much to this day, because Ross is open late.

00:49:45.119 --> 00:49:45.440
Okay.

00:49:45.519 --> 00:49:59.519
And I'd be like, let me go swing by Ross real quick and see if I can, you know, just be around people or be, and it was, it just became so apparent to me that I was avoiding home.

00:49:59.679 --> 00:50:00.079
Wow.

00:50:00.320 --> 00:50:18.159
And not only was I avoiding home, but I really was avoiding that quiet space and and knowing, fully knowing that that quiet space is the most opportune time for the Lord to come and speak.

00:50:18.880 --> 00:50:31.199
But you also, as a single person, get to a point where you like, you know what I'm saying, if the word ain't, you know, he on the way, here he comes, you know, open your door, there he is, you know.

00:50:31.440 --> 00:50:37.440
If the word is keep waiting, daughter, you know, I already heard that, you know what I'm saying.

00:50:40.159 --> 00:50:45.760
You know, and you get to this point where you don't want to do any more self-work.

00:50:46.000 --> 00:50:59.280
You know, you don't it it's crushing for people to because you have this mind, you are already battling the thought that maybe I'm single because something's wrong.

00:50:59.519 --> 00:51:00.159
Yeah.

00:51:00.480 --> 00:51:08.159
Like I'm not this enough, I'm not that enough, I haven't, you know, done X, Y, and Z.

00:51:08.480 --> 00:51:09.760
Maybe it's me.

00:51:10.159 --> 00:51:56.960
And so any, and so for me, you almost develop this avoidance of God because you're like, oh no, because he just don't tell me something wrong, or that I need to work on something, or that, you know, there's some other little area of my life that needs to be, you know, rebuilt, refashioned, reimagined, you know, and so, but it was, I mean, to to the to the the actual just in honor of who God really is, every time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to push past that avoidance, I found out that God was so much more than what I was boxing him in to be.

00:51:57.119 --> 00:51:57.280
Right.

00:51:57.599 --> 00:52:14.000
Because everything that I experienced in his presence was the exact love and compassion and warmth and acceptance and safety that I was hoping to get in a partner.

00:52:14.880 --> 00:52:25.039
But sometimes we spend so much time avoiding the very God that can give us what we're looking for because it's not coming in the way that we want it yet.

00:52:25.199 --> 00:52:25.599
Yeah.

00:52:25.840 --> 00:52:26.159
Yeah.

00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:36.639
Um, and so on that same day that I was talking about earlier, where I was breathing in the car, after I did that for a few minutes, the Lord said, give me 15 minutes.

00:52:36.880 --> 00:52:38.159
And I went in my house.

00:52:38.239 --> 00:52:40.400
I got a little, you know, a little prayer area.

00:52:40.559 --> 00:52:54.960
And I went, and as soon as I knelt down, it was the Lord, when you allow the Lord's love to just wash over you, that is how the heavy stuff gets lifted.

00:52:55.119 --> 00:52:58.320
Yes, it is literally his presence.

00:52:58.480 --> 00:53:01.840
It says he is near to the brokenhearted, yeah.

00:53:02.000 --> 00:53:02.320
Right?

00:53:02.400 --> 00:53:24.880
Like it is literally his presence that helps to lift you and strengthen you and give you, um, like he was telling me today, a life that is fulfilling and satisfying, and where I know how loved I am and how wanted and accepted and wonderful God thinks that you are, but you don't get that without rest.

00:53:25.280 --> 00:53:28.480
And you don't really rest without his presence.

00:53:28.719 --> 00:53:33.920
Because rest is not sleep, that's rest is not going on vacations.

00:53:34.159 --> 00:53:38.480
Yeah, rest is not, hey y'all, y'all want to go out tonight?

00:53:38.800 --> 00:53:40.079
That that's not rest.

00:53:40.880 --> 00:53:42.800
You know, that's entertainment.

00:53:43.039 --> 00:53:44.639
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

00:53:44.800 --> 00:53:55.599
Sleep is a bodily function where upon which your body can rest, but in order for your mind, your spirit, and your heart to rest, that happens in the presence of God.

00:53:55.760 --> 00:53:56.239
Yeah.

00:53:56.559 --> 00:54:01.920
Um, and and you you have to give yourself over to it.

00:54:02.239 --> 00:54:04.559
Um, and rest is vulnerable.

00:54:05.280 --> 00:54:08.400
When we talk about rest in that sense, it's vulnerable.

00:54:08.559 --> 00:54:08.960
Yeah.

00:54:09.280 --> 00:54:25.119
And um, like Ruth Abigail is saying, it is the vulnerability learned in being in those sweet spaces with God that prepare us for the vulnerability that's necessary in those more intimate relationships that we're hoping and praying for.

00:54:25.679 --> 00:54:36.480
And I will I will say that's something that um it is amazing how God is designed marriage to mimic our a divine relationship.

00:54:37.039 --> 00:54:57.679
Um, and I think that rest, what I have also found that there is a reality to um finding rest in spending time with uh your people because uh that like and so you know it's a it rest doesn't have to look like you in devotion.

00:54:57.760 --> 00:55:00.239
I mean that's not that's that's not what it has to be, right?

00:55:00.400 --> 00:55:08.400
Um but you know what I'm saying, it definitely can be, but but God's presence also lives in your in community, yeah.

00:55:08.960 --> 00:55:14.800
And so um I think that that is also very uh it's very real.

00:55:14.880 --> 00:55:20.079
And for me, that that has at this season in this season of my life, that's where a lot of my rest lives.

00:55:20.320 --> 00:55:20.559
Yeah.

00:55:20.719 --> 00:55:34.559
It's with my I want to clarify though, rest in community is not is not experienced um as uh intensely when it's a lot of activity.

00:55:34.800 --> 00:55:43.679
Like it is still there is still a level of intimacy, vulnerability, and honesty that has to happen in order for rest to be.

00:55:43.840 --> 00:55:54.000
So if your rest with community looks like, oh yeah, we go out, we work out together, we do things together, but in those spaces and moments, you're not being vulnerable.

00:55:54.159 --> 00:55:58.639
Yeah, and you're not you're not being honest, you have not found rest.

00:55:58.800 --> 00:55:59.119
Yeah.

00:55:59.599 --> 00:56:09.119
And people are wondering how to build closer knit friendships that does not happen without honesty and vulnerability.

00:56:09.360 --> 00:56:09.920
100%.

00:56:10.400 --> 00:56:11.119
It does not.

00:56:11.280 --> 00:56:13.920
And and that is where you find rest with people.

00:56:14.480 --> 00:56:20.800
Because you because you learn how to when you can be honest and vulnerable vulnerable with somebody.

00:56:21.199 --> 00:56:25.119
I mean the the the rest part, it's like lift it's like lifting a weight.

00:56:25.519 --> 00:56:28.239
You're lifting weights and you're carrying around this weight.

00:56:28.880 --> 00:56:42.800
Um and when you uh lay the weight down, oftentimes when we're carrying stuff, it kind of puts us in this position that makes us look strong.

00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:50.400
And when you lay it down, who you are without the weight is revealed.

00:56:51.119 --> 00:56:54.960
And that that is that is vulnerable, right?

00:56:55.360 --> 00:56:57.039
That that that is vulnerable.

00:56:57.199 --> 00:57:00.079
Who I am without the weight is vulnerable.

00:57:00.320 --> 00:57:12.559
Listen, that you just explain so clearly to me, like why it's easier to find rest with some people versus others.

00:57:12.880 --> 00:57:20.400
Because you if you are trying to figure out who are my people, who are the people that you can take the cape off with?

00:57:20.719 --> 00:57:21.920
Man, that's it.

00:57:22.159 --> 00:57:31.679
Like you get in their presence and there's no expectation for you to be someone or to do something or to provide a service.

00:57:32.480 --> 00:57:33.920
You know what I'm saying?

00:57:34.239 --> 00:57:49.760
Like with my friends, with Ruth Abigail, with Joy, with some of my other friends, like when I'm with them, I'm not thinking, okay, I gotta provide these services, you know, because otherwise they won't know what to do with me.

00:57:49.920 --> 00:57:50.239
Right.

00:57:50.480 --> 00:57:51.519
You know what I'm saying?

00:57:51.679 --> 00:58:00.239
There has to be, you have to be able to go in front of that person and not be superwoman, not be superman.

00:58:00.320 --> 00:58:12.320
Yeah, right, but really be able to not be the person that has to show up and do all the things, but to be able to be the person that can say, hey, I'm struggling.

00:58:12.480 --> 00:58:14.559
Yeah, I'm tired.

00:58:15.119 --> 00:58:22.079
And and and and you know that they are your people by how they receive your I'm tired.

00:58:22.639 --> 00:58:26.000
If you say I'm tired, and they say, girl, everybody tired.

00:58:26.079 --> 00:58:26.960
We all tired.

00:58:27.039 --> 00:58:29.119
Let me tell you about everything on my list.

00:58:29.519 --> 00:58:31.840
You tired, you be all right, you be like, hey.

00:58:32.239 --> 00:58:34.239
That ain't that ain't your that's not your people.

00:58:34.400 --> 00:58:35.199
That ain't your people.

00:58:35.440 --> 00:58:36.880
That's your people, you know?

00:58:37.440 --> 00:58:48.559
Yeah, you got I and and I just think that's important because when we talk about rest, especially as it happens in friendships, a lot of us are not finding rest in our friendships.

00:58:49.760 --> 00:58:59.840
Because either we're not being vulnerable or these are the people that we're friends with are not able to see us outside of what we do.

00:59:00.800 --> 00:59:01.760
That's right.

00:59:02.159 --> 00:59:02.960
That's right.

00:59:03.199 --> 00:59:05.679
And we got we gotta find a balance in those things.

00:59:05.840 --> 00:59:06.480
We really do.

00:59:06.639 --> 00:59:07.679
You gotta find your people.

00:59:07.840 --> 00:59:10.000
I'd like I think you're spot on.

00:59:10.239 --> 00:59:11.679
I'm glad you said it like that.

00:59:11.840 --> 00:59:13.280
Like that is a great indicator.

00:59:13.440 --> 00:59:23.360
If people can't hold you being tired and and not demand that you remain strong around them, that's not you can't rest around them.

00:59:23.599 --> 00:59:25.599
Um, and it's worth finding people.

00:59:25.679 --> 00:59:26.639
And you don't need a lot of them.

00:59:26.880 --> 00:59:27.599
You don't need a lot.

00:59:27.760 --> 00:59:28.400
What did you say?

00:59:28.559 --> 00:59:29.199
You don't need a lot.

00:59:30.239 --> 00:59:32.079
Like you just need a couple.

00:59:32.239 --> 00:59:40.960
Um, and so you know, I really hope that for those of you that that struggle with rest, that you find the right people to help you to rest.

00:59:41.119 --> 00:59:45.039
Um resting in community is highly important, I think.

00:59:45.199 --> 00:59:52.000
Um it is it is a it is probably the it's probably where you will find yourself resting the most.

00:59:52.559 --> 00:59:56.239
Um and so if you don't have that community, that can be really tough.

00:59:56.559 --> 00:59:58.800
Um Well, y'all.

01:00:00.159 --> 01:00:00.400
That's it.

01:00:01.199 --> 01:00:02.320
Hey, let me tell you something.

01:00:02.480 --> 01:00:03.280
That was good for me.

01:00:03.440 --> 01:00:04.159
I don't know about y'all.

01:00:04.320 --> 01:00:04.719
That's okay.

01:00:04.880 --> 01:00:05.679
If you it's cool.

01:00:05.760 --> 01:00:07.280
If you didn't make it through, don't worry about it.

01:00:07.519 --> 01:00:11.519
For those that did, listen, I I really listen.

01:00:11.679 --> 01:00:12.639
Share it with a friend.

01:00:12.880 --> 01:00:13.599
Share it with a friend.

01:00:13.760 --> 01:00:15.440
Share it with somebody you know.

01:00:16.239 --> 01:00:27.280
Tell a friend to tell a friend because we cannot continue to build community and be open and honest if we are not continuing to expand what we're doing.

01:00:27.519 --> 01:00:33.360
So we really want you guys to continue to share, continue to like, continue to subscribe.

01:00:33.519 --> 01:00:38.000
You know, me and Ruth Abigail find this work to be extremely valuable.

01:00:38.320 --> 01:00:48.320
To be um and we know that the things that God has poured into us for these moments, they're for they're for us, middle adults.

01:00:48.480 --> 01:00:49.039
This is for us.

01:00:50.079 --> 01:00:53.920
Okay, and there's not a lot of things that are for us.

01:00:54.159 --> 01:00:54.800
That's facts.

01:00:55.039 --> 01:00:57.119
Okay, they're not making things for us no more.

01:00:57.360 --> 01:00:57.760
All right.

01:00:58.159 --> 01:00:59.920
They're making it for Gen Z in them.

01:01:00.239 --> 01:01:00.559
Okay.

01:01:04.480 --> 01:01:08.559
So this podcast, these moments are for us.

01:01:08.960 --> 01:01:10.079
Don't keep it to yourself.

01:01:10.239 --> 01:01:12.239
Like, share, and subscribe.

01:01:12.960 --> 01:01:13.920
All right, folks.

01:01:14.159 --> 01:01:19.760
Until next time, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom.

01:01:20.239 --> 01:01:21.039
Peace.

01:01:25.119 --> 01:01:28.159
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:01:28.239 --> 01:01:32.480
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:01:32.719 --> 01:01:39.119
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:01:39.280 --> 01:01:45.599
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:01:45.760 --> 01:01:46.639
See you then.