March 9, 2026

How to stop your public life from impacting your private love

How to stop your public life from impacting your private love

Send a text We talk candidly about leading while single, dating without performance, and building relationships that honor the private self as much as the public role. We share how marriage reshaped leadership boundaries, why fans make poor partners, and how faith and community hold us together. • single in leadership and the public vs private self • moving from performance to purpose in dating • authenticity over packaging when seeking a partner • choosing someone who fits at home first • t...

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Send a text

We talk candidly about leading while single, dating without performance, and building relationships that honor the private self as much as the public role. We share how marriage reshaped leadership boundaries, why fans make poor partners, and how faith and community hold us together.

• single in leadership and the public vs private self
• moving from performance to purpose in dating
• authenticity over packaging when seeking a partner
• choosing someone who fits at home first
• trusting partners with the messy and unpolished parts
• avoiding relationships built on admiration of the persona
• alone vs lonely and building true community
• faith as an anchor against romantic idolatry
• healthy boundaries that protect home and work
• putting the whole self into the life blueprint

Like, share, and subscribe, folks. We want you to be a part of this community, don’t keep it to yourself


00:00 - Late-Night Banter And Setup

03:00 - Single And Leading: Public vs Private

08:30 - From Performance To Purpose In Dating

15:30 - Intimidation, Authenticity, And Attraction

22:30 - What Partners See That Crowds Don’t

28:30 - Safety At Home: Trusting With The Ugly

35:00 - Tired Leaders And Shared Load At Home

40:00 - Don’t Marry A Fan: Avoid Performing

47:00 - Alone vs Lonely And Building Community

55:00 - Faith, Idols, And Waiting Well

WEBVTT

00:00:03.839 --> 00:00:07.759
What's up, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast.

00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:10.000
I am your host with Abigail, a K-A-R-A.

00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:11.359
What's up, friends?

00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:12.640
It's your girl, Jaquita.

00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:20.399
And this is indeed the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:24.879
And I sound like I might be on a late night radio DJ.

00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:26.640
And I don't know why I'm sounding like this right now.

00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:28.640
That is hilarious.

00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:33.119
I was because I was sitting here wondering, like, when did Ruth Abigail get this little voice?

00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:35.039
Um, but it was kind of cute.

00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:36.719
And so I liked it.

00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:37.840
And thank you.

00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:38.719
I went with it.

00:00:38.880 --> 00:00:39.200
Thank you.

00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:39.600
Thank you.

00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:39.840
Thank you.

00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:40.719
But uh yeah, we're done.

00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:41.520
Um, what's up, folks?

00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:41.840
What's up?

00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:42.399
What's up, Queen?

00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:42.799
How you doing?

00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:43.119
How you doing?

00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:43.600
How you doing?

00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:45.200
And now she wants to prove that she's down with the people.

00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:46.079
Hey, what's up, man?

00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:46.719
How y'all doing?

00:00:46.799 --> 00:00:47.600
What's good with you?

00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:48.560
What's hood with you?

00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:49.600
What's hood with you, my G?

00:00:49.759 --> 00:00:50.560
What's hood, what's hood with you?

00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:51.439
What's hood with you?

00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:52.079
Yeah, that's it.

00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:59.840
Somebody, uh, we were in a meeting today, and they were like, um, yeah, you know, because I was gonna invite the OG office.

00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.159
And I was like, we got OGs.

00:01:02.880 --> 00:01:08.799
Oh they were like, no, that's the they were saying O G E, and it was the Office of Global Engagement.

00:01:08.879 --> 00:01:10.640
And I was like, not the same.

00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:11.840
Hilarious.

00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:14.079
Oh, not as you can see by the yard.

00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:18.159
We out here again recording late in the midnight.

00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:20.959
Why we keep doing it, and we're old.

00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:22.079
We are we are old.

00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:26.000
I don't know why we think as middle adults we can be doing stuff at night.

00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:28.879
Here, here, here we keep going with the tomfoolery.

00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:29.920
Yeah, I don't, I don't know.

00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:36.239
Not too long ago, um, I went to bed at a at a horror in a completely unreasonable hour.

00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:40.079
It was it was not it was not a reasonable time for somebody my age to go to bed.

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And um woke up the next morning and could not, I mean, had no function.

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I I just could not, I couldn't do it.

00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:51.760
I had a really busy day.

00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:57.120
I had to come home, take a 35-minute nap in order to get through the rest of my day.

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And why tell you that 35-minute nap was everything.

00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:05.519
Like let me tell you something.

00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:07.359
Sometimes that's what you need, 35 minutes.

00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:08.240
Let me tell you something.

00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:19.439
The shut your door and take a nap technique top just here just so once you hit, and I think that's actually before middle adult years, I think around about 33, you start needing that midday nap.

00:02:19.919 --> 00:02:22.719
Because my I you know it happened later for me.

00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:29.280
I didn't I didn't really need it until about last year, and so I was like, man, this is this is rough.

00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:38.560
Like, I'm feeling all every bit of what the age that is on my you know, license tells me I am, which is about to change soon.

00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:43.039
And it's funny because I feel like we just sang you happy birthday.

00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:47.520
Like that literally feels like it just happened.

00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:49.759
It did just happen, technically.

00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:52.000
Oh, whoa, that's crazy.

00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.000
It is about it is coming back up, isn't it?

00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:54.960
Yeah, go.

00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:56.319
That's wild, that's wild.

00:02:56.479 --> 00:02:57.680
Yeah, that's a little crazy.

00:02:57.919 --> 00:02:59.919
Um, anywho, y'all don't care about that.

00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:18.319
So our friends, we are talking about uh we're talking about uh single and dating, single and married, and the transitions that happen as you learn how to navigate the space of relationship, especially when as a middle adult, you may have been single a little longer than most.

00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:24.159
And and in a and in a leadership position, and in a leadership position.

00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:29.439
Produce of joy is disappointed in us.

00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:30.560
Do you hear me?

00:03:31.280 --> 00:03:36.159
She is disappointed, she's already thinking these people are gonna have me editing all day.

00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:38.960
Yeah, because their tomfoolery.

00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:39.520
It's late.

00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:41.120
We're we're we're gonna get it together, guys.

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I promise.

00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:42.319
It's just late.

00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:46.159
Um, so yeah, single in leadership is what we're talking about.

00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:48.159
Being single in leadership.

00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:58.000
And we are gonna talk today a little bit about I think what you know, as a leader, you have oftentimes two different experiences.

00:03:58.159 --> 00:04:04.319
People experience you two different ways, yeah, out in the public square and in the private sector, right?

00:04:04.560 --> 00:04:06.639
Private, private life and public life.

00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:17.680
And um when you're talking about uh kind of what partnership looks like, this is a very important way.

00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.759
This is something very important to consider, right?

00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:28.800
Like, because the the weight of percept public perception is something that leaders carry.

00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:38.240
And so when you begin to look or desire look for a a somebody to spend your life with, that isn't something that goes away.

00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:47.759
Um, especially if you are committed to living into your leadership reality, and like that doesn't just cut itself off because you get married.

00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:51.199
Like, so how do you deal with it?

00:04:51.279 --> 00:05:03.519
Like, what is and like how do you look for a partnership that can handle that, that can support that, and what does that look like?

00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:05.279
And what exactly needs supporting?

00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:06.079
And I think so.

00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:13.120
We we're gonna try to answer some of those questions today um in this uh very brief conversation for a very heavy topic, I think.

00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:16.399
Like listen, we'll give it the weight it deserves.

00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:17.279
So we will.

00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:42.000
Uh, you know, Ruth Abigail, I think something that's coming up for me kind of right off the right off the jump, um, is you know, when I think about the difference between my 20s and my 30s, my young adult years and my middle adult years, I feel like I thought that in order to successfully date, I had to present a package that people would want.

00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:57.360
And so I was constantly trying to edit and kind of reinvent or I couldn't really change who I was, but I thought I can't change what's in the package, but maybe I can change what it's wrapped in.

00:05:57.519 --> 00:05:57.839
Yeah, yeah.

00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:11.439
You know, maybe I can, maybe I can beef up the marketing, you know, and that'd give us because in my 20s, I was more so thinking about how can I increase the volume of people interested in the merchandise.

00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:12.079
Interesting.

00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:16.560
You know, like you you wanted more people to come shop at the store.

00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:20.240
Like, hey, let me go check out Jaquita, see what that's all about.

00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:21.759
I heard it's it's all the rape.

00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:39.519
It's a very like and so like I was constantly thinking about how do I uh how do I how do I market myself in a way where I'm more easily caught, you know, or easily, even easily found out here in these streets.

00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:43.279
Because they were all like, you're not supposed to do the finding, you know.

00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:51.040
Like anytime you be like, yeah, well, you know, I'm trying to go see if I can meet somebody, he's supposed to meet you, not the other way around.

00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:52.399
Not the other way around, yeah.

00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:53.439
They really make it.

00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:58.079
I just I just want to speak just very plainly from my experience.

00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:00.160
Y'all make it hard on black women.

00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:00.800
Dang.

00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:01.519
Y'all make it.

00:07:01.839 --> 00:07:02.639
Talk about it, please.

00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:12.639
Y'all make it hard on black women, and I I know it's probably all women, but I want to talk just for a moment, a brief moment.

00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:14.720
We make it hard on us.

00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:26.160
You know, it's you know, don't don't go out looking, you know, but don't, but while you're not out looking, make sure you look really good all the time.

00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:37.920
Yeah, you know, make sure you're doing all the things that would make you a wife before you found, because he's supposed to find a wife, you know, and not just someone, you know, chilling.

00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:47.839
And it it really does put you in a position where you delay becoming yourself because you're trying to become this image of a thing.

00:07:48.720 --> 00:08:03.920
Um, and I think I spent a lot of a lot of time and energy and just mental like energy trying to become who I thought I was supposed to be.

00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:04.240
Yeah.

00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:10.319
What I thought I was supposed to look like, what I thought I was supposed to have, and what I thought I was supposed to do.

00:08:10.480 --> 00:08:16.319
And in my 30s, because I actually, you know, once I realized that y'all, this ain't working.

00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:18.480
Like I I've taken all your suggestions.

00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:23.120
You know, I I once had somebody tell me, you know, Jaquita, you need to walk like this.

00:08:23.279 --> 00:08:24.160
Like you need to walk.

00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:38.159
Let me see you, you know, walk with a little, you know, sachet, you know, Shantae, sachet, you know, or you need to talk more dainty, like talk using your your higher register and talk up here, you know, don't talk all heavy.

00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:48.799
Talk up here, you know, which I do when them when somebody comes that's worth, you know, uh-huh, switching it up for I can I can switch it up.

00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:53.519
Okay, but it was this idea of performance.

00:08:53.679 --> 00:09:12.320
Yes, you know, and when I laid down performance, that's when I found purpose and allowed myself to really become who who I really, not just who I really am, but I started wanting to be who I really am.

00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:12.879
Yeah.

00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:15.279
And the desire for me came.

00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:18.240
Um, and that changed the way I looked at relationships.

00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:25.200
Yeah, and and I I think that that I I think I've had those moments.

00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:31.039
Um, I think also I've had that moment of I was less willing to change than you.

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Uh like I'm just not, I'm just not gonna do that.

00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:36.879
But because of that, but I will say pen right there, Saint.

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I I am there's just with a pen.

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There's just something I'm not finna do that.

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And it weren't some things, it was all things.

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Whatever.

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I I I had that attitude, and I think what I can what I concluded was I guess I'd just be single either for a while or forever.

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Because I ain't finna do it.

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Like, and so even though we may have taken different approaches, the con we, you know, I think the the the the the conclusion, it was coming from a potential of the same conclusion, doing it, it's like, hey, I'm not doing this, and I and that I could that could be the what happens, and okay, like because I'm just not going to do this.

00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:31.360
Um and but still, but in in that sense, still both believing that there was potentially something we had to change about ourselves in order to get to that that marriage status, right?

00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:34.799
And I I think that it's that's such a dangerous thing.

00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:40.799
Um for for me, a lot of it did have to do with like I didn't want to be over, I didn't want to be too intimidating, you know.

00:10:40.879 --> 00:10:47.840
I I've I've been in leadership positions for a while, and I knew a lot of people saw me like that.

00:10:48.000 --> 00:11:01.279
And so it was a very much a if everybody sees me this way and this is how I come across, then I've no it may not be very attractive, like for you know, for people.

00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:04.559
And if that's the case, then I guess that's just the case.

00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:08.320
So maybe I'm just gonna be single, you know, for the rest of my life.

00:11:08.559 --> 00:11:19.679
Um I think there were definitely uh some things I tried to play down um partly because of that, but partly just because of the fear of accepting everything about me.

00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:33.679
Um and so I but but one the thing that I remember very clearly at some point just understanding is that the person that is for you has to understand the real you.

00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:39.440
Otherwise you could run the risk of attracting the wrong person.

00:11:40.159 --> 00:12:02.960
And and and that that's not something, that's not something you want to do, especially as a leader, because you cannot, and I've I have been there where you attach yourself to the wrong type of person and then find yourself starting to change in order to remain with said person, and what you know I'm saying?

00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:09.279
And so that that that you you just you and then you become outside, you get you start to get outside of yourself.

00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:18.320
Um yeah, and it's dangerous, it's it's a dangerous thing, and again, uh it's you know, anyway, well, I'll save that.

00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:19.200
Go ahead.

00:12:19.519 --> 00:12:21.600
No, I think that that's so key.

00:12:21.840 --> 00:13:03.039
And you know, when I when I look back over my, you know, very abbreviated dating history, and I think about like what was working and what wasn't working in those situationships, um, you know, I I just remember uh especially kind of in my 20s and early 30s, just really being focused on who I needed to be in order to um, I guess not keep them, but to keep them interested, you know, and always gauging, like, okay, do I still do I still have them?

00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:04.639
Am I still catching their attention?

00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:06.639
You know, is this gonna be too much for them?

00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:10.559
Because I always felt like they had a breaking point.

00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:14.720
Like they had a, okay, enough.

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This is too much.

00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:18.399
I don't want this, and I'm out.

00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:29.440
Because to be honest, a lot of those situationships, as most situationships do, started off with a I'm not really finna commit anyway.

00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:30.080
Right.

00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:31.440
You know what I'm saying?

00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:37.600
I'm I'm I'm here for you know whatever I'm getting out of this.

00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:51.840
And most of it for me was most of what they were getting from me was uh emotional support, sounding board, you know, the ability to think through their life and to have, you know, some sort of companionship.

00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:55.679
And as one person told me, I have good conversation.

00:13:55.919 --> 00:14:01.039
Okay, and and so and I and I said, I said, most people don't.

00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:03.200
He was like, no, right, not at all.

00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:05.600
And I was like, oh, okay.

00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:08.639
And then I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:08.960
Go ahead.

00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:15.759
No, I was just gonna say the the thing is, you know, it's interesting, most of those qualities you just named were leadership qualities.

00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:16.720
Yeah.

00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:26.799
And so the stuff that I was getting celebrated for outside, well, I'll say this in my 20s, I wasn't yet getting celebrated for those things.

00:14:27.279 --> 00:14:33.200
They were qualities that I had that I was learning to use and learning to operate in.

00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:43.600
But because it wasn't something that I was necessarily getting recognized for at the time, when they were saying those things to me, I was like, oh, they see me.

00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:52.720
But the older I got and the more established I got in my leadership roles, if you come to me and tell me I have good conversation now, I'm like, thanks.

00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:53.360
Right.

00:14:53.519 --> 00:14:53.600
Right.

00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:56.480
Like you and the rest of the world know that.

00:14:56.559 --> 00:14:56.720
Right.

00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:03.519
You know, I'm looking for somebody, and when we talk about this public versus uh private persona, right?

00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:12.720
What are the things when you when you say to somebody the things that you appreciate about me, what would you say differently than the people who work with me?

00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:13.440
There you go.

00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:16.960
What would you say differently than the people that that I serve?

00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:17.440
Yeah.

00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:17.919
Right?

00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:35.519
Because I'm hoping that you see me in a different context because I'm able to be in a more vulnerable space with you where you see more than uh more than what I'm allowing or what I'm and here's the thing, and I think this is critical.

00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:49.039
It's not as if I'm allowing and not allowing people to see the real me because I'm trying to put on faces or trying to show up in certain spaces and and be fake because I'm the leader, right?

00:15:49.120 --> 00:15:51.840
I I lead from a very transparent place.

00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:54.480
I lead from a very real place, right?

00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.399
But it is a it is a space of pouring, right?

00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:00.559
And not a space of reception.

00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:14.080
And when you are the person that is pouring, you have to be way more cognizant and responsible of what about what you're pouring out because you are responsible for what you serve to people.

00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:14.399
Yeah.

00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:20.480
And so I don't get to go to work or get to go to my mentorship relationships and be broken.

00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:20.879
Yeah.

00:16:21.039 --> 00:16:25.279
I don't get to go into those relationships and say, sorry guys, I can't do this.

00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:26.720
I'm having a terrible day.

00:16:26.879 --> 00:16:30.399
I don't, I don't get to be in my leadership spaces.

00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:38.879
I don't get to, I get to be flawed, but I don't get to stay, I don't get to uh work through my stuff in those spaces.

00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:39.279
Yeah.

00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:39.840
Right?

00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:43.039
Those are that's something that I have to do privately.

00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:50.159
And if you're gonna walk with me and be with me, you need to be somebody that I can do that with.

00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:55.759
And so in that, I think it's so important to embrace who you are privately.

00:16:55.919 --> 00:17:08.400
And we've talked about this before on other episodes, is understanding who you are outside of your public persona as a leader, so that you can make sure that you connect with the right person who connects with you privately.

00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:09.599
That was one of my biggest things.

00:17:09.759 --> 00:17:18.240
So like I think um when I whenever I and I've said this before, I I asked the question, like, do you do you fit me privately?

00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:21.759
Because I I don't the public thing is what it is.

00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:25.839
Like, I don't, you know, but at the end of the day, do you fit me at home?

00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:30.319
And if that is a fit, then the public the public thing is less important.

00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:51.759
Um and I think sometimes we because we uh because we are so focused on the public persona and the image-based culture that we live in, that we oftentimes try to figure out what the picture looks like before we really examine the real person.

00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:55.839
And and and that that is a dangerous order.

00:17:56.319 --> 00:18:04.640
Um because often because if you don't, if you do it in that order, you might not get who you need when the picture doesn't look so good.

00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:06.319
And you're not always gonna look good.

00:18:06.720 --> 00:18:17.359
Um and as a as a leader, you you know, you know that as a single person, but when you when you hook up, somebody else is gonna know that too.

00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:25.039
And you need to make sure you're you're with somebody who uh who understands that and can love you through those moments.

00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:34.160
So um And can't like having somebody that you can trust in those moments.

00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:42.240
Yeah, like I can trust you with in the moments where I don't look good as a leader.

00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:47.200
Yeah, and maybe, maybe everyone knows it, and maybe everyone doesn't.

00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:48.000
Right.

00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:51.839
Maybe, maybe other people are aware, maybe they're not yet.

00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:54.640
Maybe grace has covered, because let me tell you something.

00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:57.440
As a leader, you need to tell you something.

00:18:57.599 --> 00:19:03.920
You talking about learn what the meaning of grace is, talking about God had my back.

00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:10.880
Absolutely, you know, but I get but you're you're absolutely right.

00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:15.519
I get to come home and process that as a single person, yeah.

00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:19.039
You know, and maybe you know, call my besties and be like, girl.

00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:19.680
Right.

00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:28.720
But now I got somebody who I don't I don't get a moment to to to I don't get to keep it private or should it.

00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:52.640
No, and if you do, you know, I wouldn't say that I would say that maybe you you maybe should well you maybe need to in the mo in the at first, but it's like eventually there's gonna be a point where you're gonna release it because when you live in the same place, you don't you you the worst thing is to feel like you gotta hide in your own home.

00:19:53.519 --> 00:19:54.720
Who wants to do that?

00:19:54.960 --> 00:19:57.039
Like, no, I'm not gonna do that.

00:19:57.279 --> 00:20:18.000
And so you need you wanna make sure you're with somebody who can handle you when uh your image is jacked up, when you have uh uh made mistakes, when you are feeling completely in um uh incapable of doing what you're doing, totally undeserving, inadequate.

00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:21.839
Um, you know, all of those things that we know we go through as leaders.

00:20:21.920 --> 00:20:30.880
I know I do I've had those moments so much, and you know, and I'm so grateful that I've married somebody who can honestly handle that.

00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:56.079
He he he know he understands it uh and uh he handles it well and reminds me that it's it reminds me that uh you're not the only one that every leader is going to experience this and uh there's nothing about you that's any less as a result of it.

00:20:56.880 --> 00:21:21.440
And when you you need that, you need that kind of encouragement um and you need somebody who who sees you uh beyond your position and who sees you beyond the public um to what you said earlier when you describe me are there things about me you know the others don't, and that that shows that your relationship has some depth to it.

00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:43.519
And I think um so I think it's it's you know you want you want somebody who can who can get that and who is equipped to do that, but they're not gonna know unless you sh unless you are who you need to be fully yourself, they're not gonna know how to come alongside you in that if they don't really know who you are.

00:21:44.319 --> 00:21:59.680
You know, one of the things, one of the things that has made me feel really uh proud and uh just that I've noticed as a friend, as your best.

00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.039
You know, when Ty came along.

00:22:03.279 --> 00:22:04.559
Love him, my bro.

00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:05.920
That that's my brother.

00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:06.400
Okay.

00:22:06.799 --> 00:22:07.519
He knows that.

00:22:07.599 --> 00:22:08.720
He we locked in.

00:22:09.519 --> 00:22:18.160
Um, you know, I I I have seen in moments, in big moments, I've seen you go to him first.

00:22:19.279 --> 00:22:31.279
And uh, and and you know, I I was like, okay, all right, sure, sure, okay, that's cool.

00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:36.079
You know, I know she'll come back, she'll hit me on the on the rebound.

00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:39.680
That's hilarious.

00:22:40.319 --> 00:22:47.440
Um, but as as a friend, as a friend, you know, I could take that, you know, I could take that different ways.

00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:52.799
I could be like, oh, okay, so now she married and you know, he's her person.

00:22:52.960 --> 00:22:57.359
You know, now she has a person, like I wasn't her person, uh-huh, or one of her people before.

00:22:57.519 --> 00:23:02.319
You know, now now she just out here, just, you know, I got a husband now.

00:23:02.400 --> 00:23:03.039
So, you know.

00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:20.480
But what I really saw was I was really grateful because I I said she has a such a safe space that she doesn't question whether or not she can, you know, process something with him.

00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:31.200
And it was, you know, I've seen you process ugly moments and moments where, you know, we had to navigate difficult feelings and difficult emotions.

00:23:31.279 --> 00:23:35.519
And and you want somebody because you can't take that to work.

00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:50.720
Yeah you can't take that to your mentor relationships, you can't take that to the organizations that you're leading and to the and to the people who see you as, you know, Miss RA or whatever they call you, or you know, Miss Gardner, Miss Ruth.

00:23:51.839 --> 00:23:54.000
Nobody calls me either one of those things to be clear.

00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:56.400
I really want somebody to call you Miss Gardner.

00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:57.119
Nobody's calling me.

00:23:57.440 --> 00:23:58.480
Miss Gardner, can we?

00:23:58.880 --> 00:23:59.599
It's not happening.

00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:02.880
Um but you know, like you, you can't take that in those spaces.

00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:06.000
You can't take that to anybody who calls you boss.

00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:13.759
You know, like like the moments, your your private moments, they need a home.

00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:15.119
Yes, they do.

00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:16.240
They need a home.

00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:40.240
And the most dangerous thing that can happen is that you get with somebody that you only feel somewhat compatible with, and that you only somewhat trust, and that you only somewhat believe can handle all of you, and you get in a moment where you have these private moments that you can't bring home.

00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:49.920
You're having private thoughts, private battles, private emotional responses, and you're coming home and you're trying to tuck them away.

00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:51.200
You can't do that.

00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:52.079
You can't do that.

00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:54.640
That's so that's so dangerous, yeah.

00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:58.640
And I really feel like a lot of people get caught in that trap.

00:24:58.799 --> 00:25:06.799
And you know, for all my single, all my single friends, men and women, okay, in their middle adult years.

00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:09.759
I know, I know, you know, I know.

00:25:09.920 --> 00:25:13.119
Don't listen to Ruth Abigail, she's gonna try to relate, okay?

00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:14.400
She's gonna try to relate.

00:25:14.480 --> 00:25:15.599
She's gonna be like, yeah, I know.

00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:16.880
No, you don't, not anymore.

00:25:17.039 --> 00:25:18.720
Okay, I I get it.

00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:27.920
You know, it it can be a very uh, you know, we say lonely and alone are different.

00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:28.880
And they are.

00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:30.720
They are but you experience both.

00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:31.119
Sure.

00:25:31.359 --> 00:25:35.920
You know, like there are times where you're just like, man, there really ain't nobody else here.

00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:37.680
You know what I'm saying?

00:25:37.839 --> 00:25:41.440
I remember there were years where I was like, dang, somebody coming to visit or something.

00:25:41.519 --> 00:25:43.759
You know, I got extra bedrooms, you know.

00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:46.640
I even put a I even put another bed in there.

00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:47.200
You did.

00:25:47.599 --> 00:25:52.960
I had a real guest room waiting for someone to just drop in, you know.

00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:55.279
I was I was waiting for it, you know.

00:25:55.359 --> 00:26:06.799
But you get to seasons where you feel like you're gonna lose the art of being able to walk with someone because you're so used to walking ahead of people.

00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:22.079
You know, as a leader, you're so used to people uh following behind you, you being the example, you being the role model, you uh charting the course, you telling everyone where you're going and what we're gonna do and how we're gonna get there.

00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:33.839
You're so used to people following after you that you really wonder like, is somebody gonna be able to come in and do life with us and walk alongside.

00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:34.880
Can I say this?

00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:42.000
I just this is just my this is uh this has been very real for me, real for me.

00:26:42.559 --> 00:26:53.279
One of the one of the things that I've appreciated about my husband is that now I am a natural planner, I'm a natural, like, you know, decision maker.

00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:59.519
I mean, that's just part of part of that is just who I am, but part of that is the lead, like, you know, that's practiced in leadership all the time, right?

00:26:59.599 --> 00:27:01.039
I just I I do that.

00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:14.720
But when I'm tired, I'm like, I just need you to handle it and to have somebody who can handle it, who isn't waiting on me to do it.

00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:27.839
Anything he can handle anything, you know, even the things that you know we see a lot of times, like that's you know, but we joke, you know, a lot of jokes and stuff where people or men are like they don't do certain things.

00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:29.279
Let me tell you something.

00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:33.119
First of all, that's not true about a lot of men.

00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:43.759
And there is something that I I think as as leaders, we have to be um that that I don't know.

00:27:43.839 --> 00:27:45.440
For me, that's become a very high value.

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:53.359
That was a very high value is to to have to have somebody who can handle stuff that I ain't gotta handle, right?

00:27:53.839 --> 00:27:58.160
And um and be willing to do it because I'm tired.

00:27:58.640 --> 00:28:00.240
Like, I'm tired.

00:28:00.480 --> 00:28:02.400
And it's like, hey, I'm tired.

00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:03.519
Can you handle dinner?

00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:04.319
I got you.

00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:05.279
I'm tired.

00:28:05.519 --> 00:28:09.200
Can you handle um you know, can you handle the homework?

00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:10.559
I got you, right?

00:28:10.720 --> 00:28:12.640
Like uh it's stuff like that.

00:28:12.720 --> 00:28:17.920
Like, I mean, it it's just you need somebody who's willing to carry the weight too, right?

00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:25.839
And and as a as a leader, uh you don't want because I think the other thing is also, and this was I mean, this was huge.

00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:29.759
You don't want to marry somebody who's overimpressed with you, overly impressed with your leadership.

00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:43.359
Come on here, because that puts you in a position of having to content of of potentially performing, which which all which just puts you in a position of where it's like this is them, this isn't this is imbalanced.

00:28:43.519 --> 00:28:45.440
I don't, I don't want to be this around you.

00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:47.920
Don't be, I don't, you don't don't care about this.

00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:50.880
Like, see me, not the leader, like see me.

00:28:51.039 --> 00:28:53.200
Um see me, you know what I'm saying?

00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:54.079
Because I'll be tired.

00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:56.960
I'll be tired.

00:28:57.119 --> 00:28:58.880
Listen, I'm not trying to leave when I get home.

00:28:59.119 --> 00:29:02.400
And middle adults, raise your hand if you're tired.

00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:07.039
Okay, we always tired, we stay tired, okay.

00:29:07.200 --> 00:29:16.319
We wake up tired, we've been in the middle of the day, like tired, like you know, and I think you said something so key.

00:29:16.480 --> 00:29:29.200
You don't want somebody that's overly impressed with you, because if they're if they're overly impressed with who you are or are the visaged the persona, they're not gonna see you.

00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:33.039
And I try to be really intentional.

00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:46.240
In my young adult years, I downplayed a lot of things about myself, so much so to the point that it was starting to impact the way that I just showed up in life in general.

00:29:46.480 --> 00:29:54.880
You know, like, oh, you know, like I was in divinity school, not telling people I met that I was in divinity school.

00:29:55.119 --> 00:29:58.720
Because I was like, I don't want this to be a hindrance.

00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:06.240
Yeah, you know, I don't want the idea of she's a minister to move you away.

00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:11.839
You know, I don't want, and now I'm like, if it's gonna move you away, keep it stepping.

00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:13.759
Uh I don't have time.

00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:17.359
Like, I am, first of all, I cannot change.

00:30:17.599 --> 00:30:22.720
Do you know how many men that I've dated told me that I was too spiritual for them?

00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:25.839
And at the time, I was like, uh-uh.

00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:28.079
She was in denial.

00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:28.640
Uh-uh.

00:30:29.119 --> 00:30:29.279
Yeah.

00:30:29.599 --> 00:30:34.400
It wasn't even no, it's not even that I was in the I wasn't in denial about who I was.

00:30:34.960 --> 00:30:39.680
I was in denial about what what could work for me.

00:30:39.839 --> 00:30:40.240
That's fair.

00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:41.839
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:46.559
Yeah, I was in, I was like, hey, listen, it's not too much.

00:30:50.160 --> 00:30:51.680
Okay, no.

00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:52.960
No, absolutely.

00:30:53.440 --> 00:30:54.559
Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

00:30:54.720 --> 00:30:57.279
Like, I had to be real about who I was.

00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:05.359
And the real, I um I recently, a couple of months ago, celebrated six months in ministry, six years, sorry.

00:31:05.599 --> 00:31:07.200
Six years in ministry.

00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:12.880
And the one thing I said, because round of applause, pause for applause, pause, pause for applause.

00:31:13.680 --> 00:31:18.000
Anytime we start naming years, yeah, you know, that's an applause for a man.

00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:19.359
Thank you for sticking with it.

00:31:19.519 --> 00:31:20.000
Absolutely.

00:31:20.480 --> 00:31:21.359
Could have been another way.

00:31:21.440 --> 00:31:21.680
Absolutely.

00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:22.880
Could have been another way.

00:31:23.119 --> 00:31:38.240
But what I said, uh, I was talking to a group of youth, and what I said was, you know, it took me a once the thing I realized after my yes was I I wish I had done it sooner.

00:31:38.400 --> 00:31:38.720
Yeah.

00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:42.319
Because life really is better on the other side of yes.

00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:54.160
Because when you actually begin to agree with God about who he made you to be, you can actually walk into the things that God has for you.

00:31:54.480 --> 00:32:17.599
When you are in a state of trying to insist that you are not exactly who he said you are, yeah, you're spending so much energy trying to disprove, trying to to uh to uh downplay, trying to minimize, trying to hide, trying to cast shadows over people like they can't see you.

00:32:17.759 --> 00:32:20.559
It's not that no that anybody could never see me.

00:32:20.799 --> 00:32:22.559
It's that I was trying to hide.

00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:24.480
I was like, no, I'm not.

00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:27.039
I'm not that spiritual, yeah, I'm not that deep.

00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:32.960
Yeah, you know, it doesn't even matter, you know, righteousness, you know, right?

00:32:35.359 --> 00:32:44.000
Um, but but but they the thing about it is, and and much respect to each one of those men because they they literally all saw right through me.

00:32:44.160 --> 00:32:48.480
You know, they were just like, yeah, we're not fooled.

00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:50.079
Yeah we're not fooled.

00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:50.799
We're not fooled.

00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:52.799
We see exactly what this is, you know.

00:32:52.960 --> 00:33:03.359
Um but I was trying to make excuses because I had convinced myself in my mind that if I am going to have someone, I am going to have to play a game.

00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:03.680
Yeah.

00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:14.480
I am going to have to play the game of I'll give this up, I'll give that up, I'll I'll uh minimize this, I'll downplay that to make this work.

00:33:14.640 --> 00:33:15.200
Yeah.

00:33:15.519 --> 00:33:34.400
Um, and until you get to a point where you are worth more than the ideal romanticized version of your life that you're trying to, that you're trying to uh fantasize about until you, who you actually are, is worth more than the fantasy.

00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:36.000
That's right.

00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:37.200
You're gonna stay stuck.

00:33:37.359 --> 00:33:37.839
That's right.

00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:41.680
And so uh I I became in love with me.

00:33:41.839 --> 00:33:42.160
Yeah.

00:33:42.319 --> 00:33:50.640
And I and I and I started flourishing in leadership and flourishing in my career, and flourishing in ministry, and and still flourishing in things.

00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:56.960
And flourishing is a word that is interesting because it seems like exciting, but flourishing is work.

00:33:57.119 --> 00:33:57.680
Yeah, it is.

00:33:57.839 --> 00:34:00.400
Okay, that's what they don't tell you in your young adult years.

00:34:00.880 --> 00:34:04.400
You know, we used to remember, you know how big the word thrive was?

00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:05.519
Thriving.

00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:08.079
I want to thrive, you know.

00:34:08.559 --> 00:34:10.400
Do you know what thriving is?

00:34:10.800 --> 00:34:12.320
Thriving is work.

00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:16.400
Yeah, it is thriving is called Jaquita, she can do it.

00:34:16.559 --> 00:34:20.079
Yeah, thriving is yo, we gotta hit her on the team.

00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:29.039
You know what it means to be like the captain, to be the be the best one on the team, to be the one that they be like, hey, put her on the court.

00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:30.639
She's gonna make the shot.

00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:31.440
Okay.

00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:34.159
You know the pressure, you know the work.

00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:39.360
You know how long MJ and Kobe, I guess LeBron, be in that gym.

00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:42.159
Dang, what am I gonna against LeBron?

00:34:43.599 --> 00:34:48.000
LeBron is the Kobe.

00:34:48.480 --> 00:34:49.199
LeBron.

00:34:49.679 --> 00:34:50.320
Whoa.

00:34:52.079 --> 00:34:53.280
Said what I said.

00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:54.079
Whoa.

00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:55.360
I said what I said.

00:34:55.679 --> 00:34:58.800
I don't even know that you're qualified to make that strong of a statement.

00:34:59.039 --> 00:35:00.719
What makes me unqualified?

00:35:00.960 --> 00:35:02.719
I was alive for all of these people.

00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:05.519
We talk about basketball not at all.

00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:06.239
Ever.

00:35:06.559 --> 00:35:08.400
I don't talk to you about basketball.

00:35:08.719 --> 00:35:10.239
You won't talk to nobody about no basketball.

00:35:10.320 --> 00:35:11.199
You've all had no quality.

00:35:11.360 --> 00:35:11.840
It doesn't matter.

00:35:11.920 --> 00:35:13.920
It doesn't talk about that kind of ranking.

00:35:14.639 --> 00:35:15.119
It doesn't matter.

00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:16.239
I'm sorry, guys.

00:35:16.480 --> 00:35:16.880
I'm sorry.

00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:18.400
I'm sorry you had to endure that.

00:35:18.639 --> 00:35:22.960
Don't don't listen, don't unfollow us because you were just offended by my co-host here.

00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:29.039
It's not gonna be anything, it's not gonna be anything about single-in leadership.

00:35:29.119 --> 00:35:32.639
It's gonna be listen, much respect to LeBron.

00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:38.960
All right, the man played a great game because I think he announced that he's about to retire.

00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:42.000
Um, or that this is his last season.

00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:46.960
Okay, he's still playing, but he has announced that this is his last season, right?

00:35:47.199 --> 00:35:47.679
Thank you.

00:35:47.840 --> 00:35:50.320
Okay, very I don't know that he has.

00:35:50.559 --> 00:35:51.440
Yes, he has.

00:35:51.679 --> 00:35:52.079
Has he?

00:35:53.360 --> 00:35:55.280
You don't maybe produce attention.

00:35:56.480 --> 00:35:57.599
Maybe you don't pay attention.

00:35:57.840 --> 00:35:58.639
We just say this.

00:35:58.719 --> 00:35:59.280
All right, guys.

00:35:59.360 --> 00:36:02.880
I just want to just apologize in advance uh for my co-host.

00:36:03.280 --> 00:36:10.480
I listen, I just want you to know that Jaquita has not represented the Unlarged Podcast in the last minute and a half in that particular statement.

00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:13.280
Uh these are all her own opinions.

00:36:14.159 --> 00:36:18.159
Have nothing to do with the with with the with the show.

00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:22.960
Um I said I don't what I Who LeBron Pratt for.

00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:24.639
Who was his team name?

00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:27.599
Ruth Abigail, do not disrespect me like that.

00:36:28.079 --> 00:36:30.960
Please, do not disrespect me like that.

00:36:31.199 --> 00:36:36.719
And we're because you're only gonna get more and more disrespectful as this goes along.

00:36:36.960 --> 00:36:38.880
I'm just trying to understand, I'm just trying to say that.

00:36:39.119 --> 00:36:41.920
No, because that was unnecessary, uncalled for.

00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:45.199
But who is the Lakers?

00:36:47.920 --> 00:36:54.960
I want very much, I want very much for you not to play, for you not to play games with me.

00:36:55.199 --> 00:36:58.480
I want very much for neither one of y'all.

00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:04.639
I want very much for neither one of y'all to play these games with me.

00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:05.519
That's wild.

00:37:05.840 --> 00:37:08.559
Just because Ruth Abigail ain't watched sports till she got a husband.

00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:09.039
Chill out.

00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:11.199
I don't even know because I played basketball.

00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:12.000
So hold on.

00:37:12.159 --> 00:37:22.960
Ruth Abigail, first of all, I could I could be up first of all, just because I played the tuba does not mean I'm a musical genius because.

00:37:36.079 --> 00:37:39.599
When I play basketball and my brother played basketball, and we have a basketball family.

00:37:39.679 --> 00:37:40.559
I keep up with it.

00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:52.719
Now, I ain't like deep in it, and yes, it's been a little bit more since I got married, but but I know enough to know that Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron are much closer than you just said.

00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:53.599
That's crazy.

00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:55.519
I didn't say that they weren't close.

00:37:55.760 --> 00:37:57.280
Bro, you said Michael Jordan.

00:37:57.599 --> 00:38:01.280
You said Kobe, and then you said LeBron all the way down here.

00:38:01.840 --> 00:38:02.320
Michael Jordan.

00:38:02.559 --> 00:38:04.400
Y'all need to go on the tape that LeBron.

00:38:05.440 --> 00:38:06.960
I'm not saying LeBron down here.

00:38:07.039 --> 00:38:08.000
That's not what I meant.

00:38:08.159 --> 00:38:10.559
I just meant I was given a ranking.

00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:12.079
I was given a ranking.

00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:14.960
I was not trying to drop that man like that.

00:38:15.199 --> 00:38:17.360
I was giving a ranking.

00:38:18.079 --> 00:38:21.280
Okay, and since this is not a sports podcast, I'm sorry.

00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.679
We just gonna go back to what we know talking about leadership.

00:38:24.320 --> 00:38:25.840
Y'all had to endure that for the last few minutes.

00:38:25.920 --> 00:38:26.800
We just had to hope that.

00:38:29.679 --> 00:38:30.239
That's straight.

00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:33.519
Like, what you literally asked me what team that man played for.

00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:35.360
I did because I needed I didn't see that.

00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:37.119
No, that was ridiculous.

00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:39.519
That was that was insulting.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:41.679
That was ridiculous.

00:38:41.920 --> 00:38:44.880
And and I know people agree with me.

00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:45.760
And that's the other thing.

00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:46.239
Whatever.

00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:47.920
A lot of people agree with me.

00:38:48.079 --> 00:38:49.519
Quiddy, you don't watch sports, no.

00:38:49.840 --> 00:38:50.400
It doesn't.

00:38:50.880 --> 00:38:51.440
Anywho.

00:38:53.119 --> 00:38:55.199
Now back to the podcast.

00:38:56.800 --> 00:38:58.559
Thank you for joining us for this.

00:38:59.199 --> 00:39:00.320
Thank you for that little commercial break.

00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:00.639
Yeah.

00:39:00.960 --> 00:39:02.239
Now back to the podcast.

00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:04.719
Yeah, so single leadership.

00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:09.199
Um we can't record late at night no more.

00:39:09.280 --> 00:39:10.960
We need earlier recording time.

00:39:11.280 --> 00:39:11.760
It's pretty bad.

00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:14.559
We cannot be trusted in the late night.

00:39:14.960 --> 00:39:15.679
It's pretty bad.

00:39:15.920 --> 00:39:19.039
Um, I have no idea what we're talking about, but hey, I do have an idea.

00:39:19.519 --> 00:39:22.639
So I want to ask you something.

00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:35.440
Do you do you feel like let me see how I want to phrase it?

00:39:36.559 --> 00:39:38.719
Because we talked about being alone and being lonely.

00:39:39.199 --> 00:39:50.320
What are your most like when you describe how you experience loneliness, like what does that look like for you right now?

00:39:50.559 --> 00:39:52.079
And I have the follow-up question.

00:39:52.800 --> 00:39:59.360
Um I I I I don't know that I describe myself as feeling lonely right now.

00:39:59.679 --> 00:40:02.639
I I when I say right now, I mean like just in this season.

00:40:02.719 --> 00:40:07.840
Like I'm not saying like right now, but you know, like just what has that been like?

00:40:08.719 --> 00:40:12.639
Uh I would say in the past because it's not my current reality.

00:40:12.880 --> 00:40:13.199
Okay.

00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:16.480
Um, and not because I'm not single, just to be clear.

00:40:16.800 --> 00:40:16.960
Okay.

00:40:17.679 --> 00:40:18.239
All right.

00:40:18.800 --> 00:40:21.519
She's still we we still open and available.

00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:21.920
Amen.

00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:24.639
Um, but you gotta let them know.

00:40:24.719 --> 00:40:25.599
You never know who's watching.

00:40:25.920 --> 00:40:26.079
Sure.

00:40:26.239 --> 00:40:28.239
Um our audience is growing.

00:40:28.320 --> 00:40:28.639
Amen.

00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:29.280
It's growing.

00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:30.239
Amen.

00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:31.440
Yes.

00:40:31.679 --> 00:40:38.239
Um, I would definitely say in the past, it it felt like my life was limited.

00:40:38.559 --> 00:40:53.599
Like it felt like um like all of the things that I was not able to experience all of life, and that a piece of life was being held back for me.

00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:54.320
Okay.

00:40:54.800 --> 00:41:06.639
Um, and so because I was always surrounded by people, and I in my single years created fellowship because I was like, I'm not finna be up in this house by myself.

00:41:06.800 --> 00:41:07.920
People come over, right?

00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:09.039
Having a shindig.

00:41:09.199 --> 00:41:09.440
Yeah.

00:41:09.599 --> 00:41:09.920
Okay.

00:41:10.159 --> 00:41:13.360
And I I I'd be I'd be serious about my shindigs.

00:41:13.519 --> 00:41:15.920
You do, you know, and I do invite the people over.

00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:16.639
Yeah, root that back.

00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.000
You've been to two, actually.

00:41:20.159 --> 00:41:22.800
She's been to, she has definitely been to a couple.

00:41:23.119 --> 00:41:27.840
Anytime, you know, they are in town, her enjoying time, I try to throw a shindig.

00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:28.239
Absolutely.

00:41:28.480 --> 00:41:31.679
You know, because I want y'all to be a part of that uh part of my life, you know.

00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:33.679
And we enjoy your shindigs.

00:41:33.920 --> 00:41:36.880
Listen, I I know it's time for me to host another one.

00:41:36.960 --> 00:41:46.239
I feel like my friends, especially my friends here, are like, hey, they tell me, they like, yo, when we come back to your house, like, when are you gonna hold another shindig?

00:41:46.320 --> 00:41:47.440
We want to shindig.

00:41:48.159 --> 00:41:59.360
Um, but it felt like even even in that space in the beginning, it felt like I was missing out on a piece of my life.

00:41:59.519 --> 00:42:02.239
So I wasn't, I wasn't really alone.

00:42:03.119 --> 00:42:11.679
Um, but it felt like coming home alone felt empty.

00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:31.039
You know, it felt like there's no, it felt like I was in, it felt like all day as a leader, I'm in a space, I'm doing stuff, I'm making stuff happen, you know, life, you know, things are good, I'm being productive, I'm being successful, my team is thriving, you know, and and and everything is great.

00:42:31.199 --> 00:42:33.840
And then I get home and I have nothing to do.

00:42:35.199 --> 00:42:50.719
You know, there's there's nobody to take care of, there's nobody to cook for, there's nobody to ask me about my day, there's nobody to to, you know, my private life has no one to attend to it.

00:42:50.880 --> 00:42:51.519
Yeah.

00:42:51.760 --> 00:42:57.280
Um, and I have nowhere to lay me down.

00:42:59.440 --> 00:43:27.039
Now, my follow-up question is in what ways, because I I would imagine that a lot of people have experienced that, maybe are currently experiencing it, and in what ways could that turn into like a performance-oriented um actions that make you appear like you're not lonely, right?

00:43:27.280 --> 00:43:30.880
So I know for what you're saying, shin digs are not that for you.

00:43:30.960 --> 00:43:33.360
So I'm not I'm not at all even alluding to that, right?

00:43:33.679 --> 00:43:34.880
You genuinely enjoy that.

00:43:34.960 --> 00:43:35.679
You enjoy people.

00:43:35.840 --> 00:43:36.960
Oh, I'm a shin digger.

00:43:37.199 --> 00:43:38.159
Right, you are.

00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:45.760
Um but for for some it might be like I'm I want I need people at my house because I don't want people to think that I'm lonely.

00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:46.800
Yeah.

00:43:47.039 --> 00:43:47.440
Right.

00:43:47.599 --> 00:44:01.840
Um, or I I need to I want to go and uh and do this because I want I don't want people to I don't want anyone to see kind of the the What's the word I'm looking for?

00:44:02.480 --> 00:44:10.480
Um I don't want people to really see how me not but how me being single really is impacting me in this season.

00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:33.039
You know, especially, especially, excuse me, as a leader who like you said, you're kind of on all day and you have this perception and you have this like persona that is um winning and it's like you know, we're winning, we're doing great, you know, assuming that that's kind of the the the way that leadership is happening for you right now, that may not be the case.

00:44:33.199 --> 00:44:45.519
But if you're in that kind of uh uh winning season, if you will, in your leadership and in your private life it feels like you're not, but you don't want people to know that.

00:44:45.920 --> 00:44:49.679
Um how would you encourage people to manage that?

00:44:51.760 --> 00:45:08.000
Um I would say I think the best thing that I did when I was in kind of those moments was tap into tap into your community.

00:45:08.239 --> 00:45:13.679
Um you have to have, you may not have a partner, but you have to have a village.

00:45:13.840 --> 00:45:14.239
Yes.

00:45:14.400 --> 00:45:24.559
Um you gotta have people who are who are clued in to the real, not the real you, because you're never not the real you.

00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:28.480
Leadership is very much a part of who you are, right?

00:45:28.639 --> 00:45:34.000
And so when you are in leadership mode, that is not something separate than the rest of you.

00:45:34.639 --> 00:45:45.199
It is it's not something in addition, it is you, you know, but there are pieces of you that you need to be able to settle in somewhere.

00:45:45.519 --> 00:45:56.159
For me, I had to uh dig my roots down deeper in my faith um because I had to believe that God wouldn't withhold any good thing from me.

00:45:56.719 --> 00:46:02.480
Um, and I have a friend who says that all the time, like he will not withhold any good thing from us.

00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:10.079
And I had to trust that the seasons of my life were being orchestrated by the Lord.

00:46:10.239 --> 00:46:10.480
Right.

00:46:10.800 --> 00:46:25.440
Um, and I had to I had to address any areas in my heart where I may have believed differently um and how that impacted the way that I related to to God.

00:46:25.679 --> 00:46:37.440
Yeah, um, and the way that I related to, you know, people, the way that I related to the people who said, Well, you know, when you stop looking for him, that's when he's gonna show up.

00:46:37.599 --> 00:46:47.679
And I just was like, shut up, thanks, yeah, yeah, appreciate that little piece of wisdom, you know.

00:46:47.920 --> 00:46:48.639
Thank you.

00:46:48.800 --> 00:46:49.840
Yeah, so much.

00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:51.440
Gets old, gets old.

00:46:51.679 --> 00:46:52.079
Yeah, yeah.

00:46:52.239 --> 00:46:53.679
Y'all retire that one.

00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:57.360
Just retire because the truth of the matter is that and that's not the case.

00:46:57.440 --> 00:46:59.199
That's that's not the case for a lot of y'all that be saying it.

00:46:59.280 --> 00:47:00.159
Because y'all would not be able to.

00:47:01.519 --> 00:47:06.480
Me pretending, because I it it sent me into seasons of being like, you know what?

00:47:06.559 --> 00:47:09.039
I'm not even not even thinking about a man.

00:47:09.280 --> 00:47:11.280
Okay, not even thinking about a husband.

00:47:11.440 --> 00:47:11.679
Right.

00:47:11.840 --> 00:47:13.360
Like, I'm so not there.

00:47:13.519 --> 00:47:13.760
Right.

00:47:13.920 --> 00:47:17.280
I'm so not like that's not even what I'm focused on.

00:47:17.440 --> 00:47:19.760
I'm focused on my becoming and my leadership.

00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:20.159
Sure.

00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:22.320
I didn't mean it at those points in my life.

00:47:22.480 --> 00:47:22.719
Yeah.

00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:25.920
Because literally, I was still preoccupied by it.

00:47:26.239 --> 00:47:30.079
Because I was like, Lord, you see me not, you see me not looking for it, right?

00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:34.719
You see me not, I know you see me not thinking about it.

00:47:35.119 --> 00:47:35.199
Right.

00:47:35.280 --> 00:47:35.599
Uh-huh.

00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:41.280
I see you, I know, I know I'm thinking about not thinking about it, but I'm still not thinking about it.

00:47:41.519 --> 00:47:42.000
There you go.

00:47:42.159 --> 00:47:43.280
You understand what I'm saying?

00:47:43.360 --> 00:47:45.440
And you're still in a state of idolatry.

00:47:45.599 --> 00:47:46.320
Yeah, that's right.

00:47:46.480 --> 00:47:54.639
You're still you're still in a space where this is, you have made this the most important resolution of your life.

00:47:55.119 --> 00:47:56.239
I will be married.

00:47:57.599 --> 00:48:03.920
But there's so many other things that you will be that you're that you are ignoring and avoiding.

00:48:04.079 --> 00:48:10.239
So get in spaces where people will affirm more than your relationships.

00:48:10.719 --> 00:48:11.679
Yeah, come on, man.

00:48:11.760 --> 00:48:12.320
Like for real.

00:48:12.480 --> 00:48:12.880
Seriously.

00:48:13.119 --> 00:48:20.800
Get get in spaces where they'll and get in spaces where they will affirm more than your ability to be a servant, our leader.

00:48:20.960 --> 00:48:21.360
That's right.

00:48:21.519 --> 00:48:48.000
You know, I think the thing that I have really rested in, especially I would say, over maybe like the last five years, is like you and Joy and my other friends are spaces where I as a person am valued, celebrated, loved, cared for, enjoyed, you know, like all of those things matter.

00:48:48.400 --> 00:48:55.360
When you are in spaces where you are experiencing that, you won't feel the need to put on a persona.

00:48:55.599 --> 00:48:55.920
No.

00:48:56.320 --> 00:48:56.800
Yeah.

00:48:57.039 --> 00:49:02.400
Because I I know I'm loved, I know I'm cared for, I know I'm valued, I know I'm celebrated.

00:49:02.960 --> 00:49:05.039
I don't need to go seeking that out.

00:49:05.199 --> 00:49:15.840
I remember I was uh talking to a guy at one point, and I could not get this boy to give me no kind, you know, uh words of affirmation is one of my love languages, okay?

00:49:16.000 --> 00:49:17.039
Talk to me.

00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:22.320
Okay, talk to me, my lord.

00:49:22.639 --> 00:49:27.199
And I could not get him to to say the the nice things.

00:49:27.360 --> 00:49:27.760
Yeah.

00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:34.239
You know, like he he just could not find it on the inside of him to say nice things.

00:49:34.320 --> 00:49:38.639
Like he would say semi-nice things, but they weren't, they didn't hit, you know.

00:49:38.719 --> 00:49:41.280
It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't the juice I was looking for.

00:49:41.679 --> 00:49:47.840
And I remember I told him, I was like, hey, if you don't give me verbal affirmation, I'm gonna start digging for it.

00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:50.079
And then that's gonna make me feel insecure.

00:49:51.360 --> 00:50:04.320
Um, but now I'm at a space where I don't necessarily like I want to communicate to you who I am and what and what makes me feel well, but I'm not looking for that to make me whole.

00:50:04.559 --> 00:50:05.760
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:05.920 --> 00:50:22.239
And I think I had to move out of a space where I needed it to feel I needed it to be versus I need this because it's like gas in my tank and it helps me, it helps me to to feel wanted and appreciated.

00:50:22.320 --> 00:50:22.480
Yeah.

00:50:22.719 --> 00:50:25.920
Versus this helps me to feel like I'm a valuable person.

00:50:26.159 --> 00:50:27.679
I'm valuable, right, exactly.

00:50:27.920 --> 00:50:28.960
No, that's real.

00:50:29.280 --> 00:50:35.119
Um I uh I want to share this this last thing as we wrap up.

00:50:35.199 --> 00:50:49.679
I want to share this last thing because I just feel like it's important to share um from my personal experience in kind of I remember I remember when I'm I'm kind of and I'm pivoting um a little bit.

00:50:50.320 --> 00:50:57.440
Like I remember when this was a couple, this is like the within the first year of our marriage.

00:50:58.000 --> 00:51:14.880
And you know, we have a son and um you know, and so it's it's it's you know, the three of us and I uh you know I work with young people and one of my uh students was missing that day.

00:51:15.760 --> 00:51:18.400
And um we we we couldn't we didn't know where she was.

00:51:18.480 --> 00:51:21.440
She left the program, didn't tell anybody where she was.

00:51:21.599 --> 00:51:23.599
Um when her dad came to pick her up.

00:51:23.679 --> 00:51:26.960
Um now she hasn't she had a habit of doing this, so he wasn't surprised.

00:51:27.119 --> 00:51:29.360
He knew it wasn't our fault, wasn't anything we could have done.

00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:33.679
She's a teenager, we couldn't hold her back, but we told him, it's like, hey, we don't know where she went.

00:51:33.760 --> 00:51:37.679
And he, you know, he was like, Okay, she does this.

00:51:38.159 --> 00:51:41.440
I I couldn't, it it just did not sit well with me.

00:51:41.840 --> 00:51:50.559
I don't like the idea that you know, we've got a a young person who's out there who who was with us and is no longer, and it's like, hey, I I we gotta figure out where she is.

00:51:50.880 --> 00:51:53.840
So it was like eight o'clock, eight thirty.

00:51:54.079 --> 00:52:06.239
I told Ty, I was like, hey, um I think her sister, one of her sisters had uh did the find my uh find my iPhone and she got located where she was, figured out where she was.

00:52:06.320 --> 00:52:09.840
It was an apartment complex is not too far from the center.

00:52:11.039 --> 00:52:13.679
And I left my house around 8, 8:30.

00:52:13.760 --> 00:52:24.480
And to go look for this kid who I in this apartment complex that I didn't I didn't know where she was or what was going on.

00:52:24.639 --> 00:52:25.599
I was familiar with the complex.

00:52:25.679 --> 00:52:30.239
I wasn't that one like unfamiliar territory, but we were just kind of walking.

00:52:30.320 --> 00:52:31.840
And so it was me and a coworker of mine.

00:52:33.119 --> 00:52:35.280
No, no, no, walking around the complex is what I'm saying.

00:52:35.599 --> 00:52:35.920
Oh, okay.

00:52:36.079 --> 00:52:39.760
Anyway, ended up finding her, you know, she was upset, she was like, I'm not going home.

00:52:39.840 --> 00:52:40.719
She was we did all the things.

00:52:40.800 --> 00:52:42.719
I got home around 9:30 or 10.

00:52:43.440 --> 00:52:49.360
When I got home, Ty sat me down, he said, Don't do that ever again.

00:52:49.599 --> 00:52:54.480
Now and he was like, You got family.

00:52:55.679 --> 00:52:58.159
And I was like, crap.

00:52:58.960 --> 00:53:18.239
Like, like, and that I'll never forget that moment because he he was reminding me, like, I know you're a leader, I know you you love these kids, but we like you have us too, and you need to think about that.

00:53:18.320 --> 00:53:21.519
Like, don't we I don't like the fact that you're just leaving the house.

00:53:21.679 --> 00:53:26.480
I don't know where you are, you know, and we and he didn't tell he didn't stop me, which I appreciated.

00:53:26.719 --> 00:53:32.239
Like he wasn't like, no, you can't go, but he was clear about how it made him feel.

00:53:32.719 --> 00:53:52.800
And so what that what that really kind of taught me, and I think as as leaders, there's two things like the person that you um the person that you need to be with needs to be a person who respects your leadership, but is enough of a leader to put you in your place when you're out of place as a leader.

00:53:54.239 --> 00:54:04.639
Um and that like I needed somebody to say Andrew Zabigail, you can't be the same leader you were when you were single.

00:54:05.760 --> 00:54:13.360
You are you have to be a different leader, and it doesn't make you any less of a leader, but you have to operate in this thing differently.

00:54:13.599 --> 00:54:19.519
Um you cannot you can't give more of yourself to somebody else's kids than you do your own.

00:54:20.559 --> 00:54:25.519
Um you can't give your you can't give more of yourself to a community than you do your family.

00:54:26.079 --> 00:54:33.280
Um and and I had to learn how to do that in some ways I'm still learning how to do it, but it doesn't just snap overnight.

00:54:33.920 --> 00:54:36.400
And um it it's it's a it's something you have to work through.

00:54:36.800 --> 00:54:48.239
But I it's it was it was also very important for me to know that the person I married was able to come and say that and be not speak to me as a leader, but speak to me as his wife.

00:54:49.519 --> 00:54:53.760
You you gotta be with somebody who can speak to you, not as the leader.

00:54:54.719 --> 00:54:57.119
And you can't respond as the leader.

00:54:57.760 --> 00:55:02.800
So I could I would I could have said this is my job, this is what I do.

00:55:02.960 --> 00:55:04.880
I was doing this before I met you.

00:55:05.039 --> 00:55:08.719
I know I done handled this and managed this, I'm gonna be fine, X, Y, Z.

00:55:08.800 --> 00:55:15.360
And I honestly, like a lot of me wanted to say that, like, bruh, like I do this, like you gotta worry about me.

00:55:15.440 --> 00:55:16.000
I'm straight.

00:55:16.079 --> 00:55:18.159
Like, we good, I'll let you know something wrong.

00:55:18.559 --> 00:55:22.719
Um but it's like, hey, in that moment, like you're not, he didn't marry the leader.

00:55:23.360 --> 00:55:24.400
That's not what he did.

00:55:24.960 --> 00:55:41.760
He married you, so it's like and he is protecting you, and you have to honor that by taking the leader off and understanding as as a married leader, I approach my work differently um than I did as a single leader.

00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:51.920
And my husband helps me to do that because he is not in he's he's he he sees he is also a leader in my life.

00:55:52.559 --> 00:56:04.559
Yeah, you know, and you gotta you have to uh give that person space to do that for you because they're seeing the public and the private.

00:56:04.719 --> 00:56:05.039
That's right.

00:56:05.280 --> 00:56:15.840
Which is why it's so important, it's so important that you have someone that can judge your public life in the right way.

00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:34.000
You know, that they can know the essentials and the non-essentials, that they can know the the potential impact of things, you know, not just how it could impact what's happening publicly, but how it can impact what happens privately.

00:56:34.239 --> 00:56:54.000
And you want somebody that's gonna protect and serve those parts of you, and that can create structures and boundaries around what you both are building together because you're also moving from this life that you were building on your own to this life that you're now building with someone.

00:56:54.159 --> 00:56:54.639
Correct.

00:56:54.800 --> 00:57:06.239
And you want someone who can take all of your material and consider it as they take all of theirs and say, This is how this is gonna work for us to build it together.

00:57:06.480 --> 00:57:06.880
Correct.

00:57:07.039 --> 00:57:19.440
Um, and I think what we when we hold back, and I think as leaders, sometimes something that we do a lot is the, hey, you know, my leadership is it's not all of me.

00:57:19.599 --> 00:57:23.599
You know, it's not, you know, I I'm not that deep in it.

00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:26.239
You know, like it's not that big a part of it.

00:57:26.320 --> 00:57:38.159
And I think a lot of people, what I have noticed, especially people who got married as young adults, they were willing to lay down a lot of pieces of themselves that they're trying to find now.

00:57:38.400 --> 00:57:40.079
That's real, that's very true.

00:57:40.320 --> 00:57:50.159
And it's it has been stressful um for them to now acknowledge maybe I should have kept some things.

00:57:50.960 --> 00:57:54.159
And so that we could have built with this in mind.

00:57:54.719 --> 00:57:59.920
Um, but instead, you considered yourself non-essential.

00:58:00.079 --> 00:58:00.639
Yeah.

00:58:00.960 --> 00:58:12.400
You considered who you were, what you were called to, your gifts, um, your career, your your leadership, you made it non-essential.

00:58:13.280 --> 00:58:28.559
Um and it wasn't until you got to a certain space in your life where now you're again looking for meaning, looking for purpose, looking for direction that you realize I should have put that into the building plan.

00:58:28.719 --> 00:58:29.440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:29.679 --> 00:58:33.760
I needed this to be in the blueprint of what we were gonna build now.

00:58:34.960 --> 00:58:39.119
Um and I think that okay.

00:58:39.440 --> 00:58:57.920
I think that it um I think that it's so key that you can't nobody can put into proper perspective um how we're gonna navigate the challenges of your life of your leadership if you don't give them the whole picture.

00:58:58.159 --> 00:58:58.719
That's right.

00:58:58.880 --> 00:58:59.199
Yeah.

00:58:59.360 --> 00:59:06.239
You know, I I think for for you and Todd, that was an essential moment where he was like, oh, okay, so she really crazy like this.

00:59:06.719 --> 00:59:07.920
And she really will.

00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:14.960
Like, if I don't, you know, it was something that he was able to address in the moment, and I'm so grateful he didn't hold it, right?

00:59:15.119 --> 00:59:18.400
You know, because it was something that he was able to address, nipping the bud.

00:59:18.639 --> 00:59:20.880
Now we can move on and continue building.

00:59:21.119 --> 00:59:21.679
That's right.

00:59:21.920 --> 00:59:37.599
Versus if if you don't uh if you don't get in a space where we can have that clear, honest communication, we're gonna build stuff, we're gonna build stuff with with deception and and misalignment.

00:59:37.840 --> 00:59:38.079
Yeah.

00:59:38.320 --> 00:59:41.039
Because I thought you was really one way, yeah.

00:59:41.440 --> 00:59:42.719
I thought you was okay.

00:59:42.880 --> 00:59:46.320
I thought you were okay if I went out at night to check on the stuff.

00:59:46.639 --> 00:59:46.960
Exactly.

00:59:47.039 --> 00:59:47.280
Exactly.

00:59:47.599 --> 00:59:52.480
I thought you knew who I was and what my what my leadership role required of me.

00:59:52.559 --> 00:59:53.920
I thought you understood that.

00:59:54.079 --> 00:59:54.239
Right.

00:59:54.400 --> 00:59:56.320
I thought you really knew me like that.

00:59:56.480 --> 00:59:59.360
Yeah, you know, because now we've built with this.

00:59:59.519 --> 01:00:00.079
Yeah.

01:00:00.320 --> 01:00:05.119
Now now we have a foundation because it didn't get addressed in the beginning.

01:00:05.360 --> 01:00:10.559
Now we have a foundation that includes I might pop out in the middle of the night to go find a kid.

01:00:10.719 --> 01:00:11.199
Yeah.

01:00:11.599 --> 01:00:12.239
You know what I'm saying?

01:00:12.480 --> 01:00:12.800
Seriously.

01:00:13.039 --> 01:00:16.719
He didn't he didn't allow that to become part of the foundation.

01:00:16.800 --> 01:00:17.199
That's right.

01:00:17.360 --> 01:00:18.480
Of what you were building.

01:00:18.639 --> 01:00:29.840
And I think that as we as we uh beautiful, wonderful singles are beginning to enter into these relationships, be mindful of what you're letting into the foundation.

01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:30.559
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:30.639 --> 01:00:41.519
That's because you didn't speak up, because you weren't honest, because you did not clearly communicate to somebody who you were and what you needed, both publicly and privately.

01:00:41.760 --> 01:00:47.440
And now as they consider you, they're building something that does not include all of you.

01:00:50.639 --> 01:00:53.199
All right, we're gonna end it right there.

01:00:53.519 --> 01:00:54.719
That was very good.

01:00:55.039 --> 01:00:56.079
There it is.

01:00:56.639 --> 01:00:59.039
All right, thank y'all for listening.

01:00:59.119 --> 01:01:02.559
And again, if you made it past that sports thing, congratulations.

01:01:02.719 --> 01:01:03.840
Um, hopefully you did.

01:01:03.920 --> 01:01:05.760
I think it got pretty good at the end there.

01:01:05.920 --> 01:01:08.239
Um I think we need to do a poll.

01:01:09.280 --> 01:01:09.760
Whatever.

01:01:09.920 --> 01:01:11.280
We need no poll, okay?

01:01:11.360 --> 01:01:12.400
I well, fine, I don't know.

01:01:12.480 --> 01:01:14.159
Producer Joy can do a poll if she wants to.

01:01:14.400 --> 01:01:16.079
We'll see what we'll see what the vibes are like.

01:01:16.400 --> 01:01:17.199
No, there'll be no poll.

01:01:17.280 --> 01:01:18.400
I don't think there'll be a poll.

01:01:18.639 --> 01:01:20.480
Um, but uh, all right, y'all.

01:01:20.559 --> 01:01:22.400
Look, we love y'all being a part of this community.

01:01:22.559 --> 01:01:23.840
We love hanging out with y'all.

01:01:23.920 --> 01:01:39.199
So uh if this was any value to you, if you know some people or you yourself that are as a leader and kind of rocking the single life, or is a leader and is newly married like myself, um, yo, let them let them don't roll your eyes.

01:01:39.280 --> 01:01:39.760
Don't roll your eyes.

01:01:40.239 --> 01:01:40.800
Don't roll your eyes.

01:01:41.599 --> 01:01:43.119
I am newly married around.

01:01:43.280 --> 01:01:43.920
I am newly married.

01:01:44.159 --> 01:01:46.960
It's gonna be 10 years and she's gonna be like, you know, because we're newlyweds.

01:01:47.199 --> 01:01:49.360
Yeah, because it's we're fresh into this.

01:01:49.840 --> 01:01:53.119
You know, anyway, like, share, and subscribe, folks.

01:01:53.280 --> 01:01:58.960
Um, and uh just uh we want you to be a part of this community, don't keep it to yourself.

01:01:59.280 --> 01:02:01.440
We love you guys, we love doing this with y'all.

01:02:01.519 --> 01:02:05.519
So thanks for rocking with us and um we is, man.

01:02:06.079 --> 01:02:08.239
Until then, we're unlearning.

01:02:08.639 --> 01:02:12.239
Uh yeah, unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom.

01:02:12.719 --> 01:02:14.559
So that we can okay we talk about it.

01:02:14.639 --> 01:02:15.360
Peace out, y'all.

01:02:15.440 --> 01:02:15.599
Bye.

01:02:15.760 --> 01:02:16.880
Bye, y'all.

01:02:21.360 --> 01:02:24.400
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:02:24.480 --> 01:02:28.639
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:02:28.880 --> 01:02:35.280
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram, and to let us know what you think.

01:02:35.440 --> 01:02:41.760
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:02:42.000 --> 01:02:42.960
See you then.