WEBVTT
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Hey, yo, what's up, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast.
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I am your host with Abigail, aka R A.
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What's up, friends?
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It's your girl, Jaquita.
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And this is indeed the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom.
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Freedom.
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Freedom.
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Yes.
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And we try to get free out here today.
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Man, what you said.
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Trying to get free out here today.
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Living it up in these freedom streets.
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You know what I'm saying?
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You know, middle adult does not feel like freedom a lot of times.
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You know, just let's just be real.
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Let's just clutch straight to the chase.
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Let's get right into it.
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You know, like middle adult is not giving the levels of freedom that I thought it was.
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Like, it is like, hey, my child.
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You got things to do.
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That's a middle adulthood feels like.
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Yeah.
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It doesn't.
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The freedom has to be fought for, you know, you have to fight for it.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Much like our ancestors.
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So, you know, it's it's true.
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You know?
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Ruth Abigail.
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You are gonna relate a middle adulthood to slavery and Jim Crow like a white.
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I didn't.
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I didn't.
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You you implied that.
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I said you fight for freedom.
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Look, listen, we are freedom fighters.
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Okay.
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And so I'm just saying we we have the ability to fight for it.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Because it's in us.
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You understand?
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We're gonna get canceled in these school.
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Okay, because you're tripping out here in these streets.
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Nevertheless, what's up, friends?
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Listen, we're here to talk about the things.
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You know, we're in the series where we're talking about, you know, what uh leadership looks like as a single person, um, and ways that we've kind of had to unlearn some of these ideas that kind of like really box you in as a single person who is like continuing to grow in leadership and in influence and in impact, right?
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Like America's really made for family.
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It is it is it is really built around the idea that success exists within a familial unit.
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Yeah.
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So when you are, but there's also this idea of achieve the dream, right?
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Go after pursuit of happiness, right?
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So there's the single pursuit of achievement that's supposed to exist within these family units.
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So when you are a single person that is pushing and achieving and impacting and influencing, that looks different and it comes with different challenges.
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Um, that I think we have to unpack.
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That's also a millennial term that we we took and ran with this idea of unpacking something.
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Oh, we said yes, that is the one.
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That's our okay.
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You want to be deep?
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Let's unpack that.
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We're gonna unpack this, guys.
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Um yeah, I but I do think that you really did um frame that very well with this idea of this uh American, like America exists in this dichotomy of family first and achieve, right?
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Um, and sometimes those things, a lot of times those things don't mix well.
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Um and so when you when you don't have the family part yet, you know, yet or at all, whatever it is, then it's almost as if the other option for you is to achieve.
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And so we do that, right?
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Whoa! And wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
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That's good, yes.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like that's what we do.
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Hey, you gotta fill your time with something, you gotta do something.
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You don't have, you know, a husband.
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Yeah, right.
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And and so so that's what we do.
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And I think that a lot of us who, you know, get into the marriage and family game later uh do uh spend so much energy on the achievement side that uh we forget who we are.
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You oh no, not only do we forget who we are, we forget to pursue ourselves.
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We might not even really know who we are.
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Yeah, like we may not have ever figured it out.
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Yeah, we we don't pursue and not just pursue like an a sense of identity and our purpose, which we're gonna talk about in a little bit.
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But but even like pursuing like wellness, yeah, and correctness for yourself.
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For yourself, you know, for yourself.
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Like you're you're constantly the thing about it is is that especially, you know, I'm a woman, so I can speak mostly from the perspective of a woman.
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But as a single woman that doesn't have husband or family, like there is this constant need in myself to take care of everybody else, take care of things.
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And so I have little pockets of groups and projects and things that I mother, you know, and that I and that I have become a spouse to.
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There are things that are sitting in places and positions that are like, hey, I have all of this to give, and it's gonna land somewhere.
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And so whatever I get my hands on, whatever I feel has been assigned to me, I I am going to take care of it.
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Yeah right?
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These these young adults that find themselves in my space, come.
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There's room, there's room in the end.
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Yeah, all right.
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Come all of you and and and be be taken care of, you know.
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And so, but you get to a point where you realize I have built some false structures and some things, and the people that, you know, when you have family, when you are a person that is married and you have children, those are things that stay with you, and you begin to grow with them.
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Right.
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When you are a single person that has mothered projects or mothered people who come into your life, those people grow.
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Yeah.
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And they become like you're still connected to them, but not in the same way.
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And so you then have to figure out who you are again.
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You have to start pursuing yourself again.
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Well, that's so interesting because I actually think this is also a very, you know, a lot of what we're talking about is like why it's so important to learn how to do these things before you are attached to other people and you know, to attach to a spouse children.
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Because even what you just said, that happens as that happens in relationships.
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That happens with family, right?
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It happens with children in particular, where you know, m mothers.
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I mean, I think you made a perfect example.
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You raise your kids, they go off, and then you have to find yourself again.
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Like that's such a narrative, right?
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For so many moms.
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Um, um, particularly mothers, less honestly for fathers that I hear, and more for mothers who are like, My life was about my kids.
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Like, I didn't, you know, and so I and when they when they're gone, you have to relearn yourself and often relearn your husband.
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And so I think that those those elements can again, it's an opportunity in your single world to learn how to do that, right?
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Like, what does it look like to re to come back into yourself after seasons shift, after projects shift, after people leave, right?
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Like what do I how do I do that?
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And even more so, how do I not make something my whole world?
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How do I not do that?
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Because I've got to find I have to con I have to know that the the the only thing that's good, the only relationship that is going to last outside of my spouse on this earth is is between you and the Lord.
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The Holy Spirit.
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You know what I'm saying?
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That's just the truth.
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And and so even even with your spouse, I mean, that mirrors, it's a mirror to the relationship you have with God.
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And so there is not another relationship that is going to be a forever relationship.
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So whether that's relationship with your work, with anybody you mentor, with your service, right?
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All of that goes, it shifts, it changes, it goes away.
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It does it, you know, it does all that.
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And we get so attached that we don't know how to manage when it's not there and we don't know who we are without it.
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And it really hampers us and it and it it's hard to move forward.
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I mean, have you, I mean, I know I've experienced that.
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Have you experienced that like personally?
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Girl, yeah.
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You know, I I you know, uh, Ruth and I were talking earlier about, you know, the one of the differences I've noted between this young adult self and this middle adult self is that the ideas around purpose have shifted.
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You know, I remember when I uh graduated divinity school in 2012, and you know, I went to divinity school and I focused a lot of my time on pastoral care, um chaplaincy, you know, just all of these ways that serve young adults, honestly.
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And so when I came looking for jobs afterwards, all of the chaplaincy jobs were like full, and you know, I really didn't feel like I could find my place.
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And I felt aimless for a while.
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And I spent the majority of my late 20s, early 30s just trying to find my spot, you know, trying, trying out different things, you know, putting my toe here, doing a little bit there, failing at some things, and then being really good at some things, and really finally feeling like I got to a spot where I was like, ah, this is it.
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You know, the student life, student activities, uh campus life world.
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I was like, this is it.
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I am here to help young adults find their sense of belonging and to understand themselves in community with other people.
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Right?
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Like I and I like framed myself like that.
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You know, that's how I frame my motivational speaking.
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That's how I frame even in my like initial sermon.
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That's how I frame my understanding of me as a minister.
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Like, I am here to help people understand themselves and understand identity and move forward and push forward, right?
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Then I made this last career move when I was 30, I'm 30, I was 37, about to be 38, right?
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And so I made this last career move, and now I'm like, and I'm in an academic space.
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I spend a lot of time behind a desk.
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I get glimpses and glimmers and shimmers of interaction and you know, building up and mentorship.
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Like I get a little bit of that, but it's nowhere at the level that it was.
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And I had to sit back and be like, so who am I now?
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Yeah.
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Right?
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And and also this job does not have the position in my life that jobs before have had.
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Like I don't come to work and be like, ah, this is where the real Jaquita is.
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She's here in this place.
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You know, like I I come to work and I'm like, I'm here to fulfill the work, right, right.
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You know, yeah.
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Like I have a purpose here, but it's not my purpose.
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Like it's not, it's not the totality of who I am.
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And so I I feel like just recently I've had to make this shift from feeling like my job is what fulfills me.
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Man, that is, and I I think I've shared this before, but I I had this epiphany, I think a couple of years ago, where you know, I know I have, but I I it was such a pivotal moment for me.
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Um that I I just the idea of purpose lived outside of what I do.
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And that was just not something I could, I could not even conceptualize it um before.
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I couldn't, there's no way I tried, right?
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I tried to see it outside of what I did, but I couldn't do it.
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And it wasn't until I read Stephen Covey's book, First Things First, that I I it it really it it it it was made very plain.
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Um, it's it's who you are.
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And then I have to ask myself myself the question, okay, well, who am I?
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And the way they broke it down is, well, you're a lot of things.
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You're your the roles that you have in life are real, right?
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So at the time I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a leader, I'm a friend, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, I'm a mentor, I'm all these things.
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So the question is, how does all of that live?
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And when I can when I can begin to see myself in all of those roles that I play, and they're all valuable, then me as a leader does not get it does not get inflated.
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Yeah.
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You know what I mean?
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Yeah.
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I also think that I think that's something that has to shift when we think about this idea of you know, shifting from this mindset of my work or my ambition or my accomplishments is what makes me valuable, right?
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It you really, even in our relationship with God, like you have to shift from this understanding of the Lord just wants to use me.
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Yeah, oh my gosh.
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You know, like he just wants, you know, I am you know, I'm a servant, I'm a vessel.
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When he I'm a vessel, and when he needs me, he pulls me.
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Like, send me, Lord, I'll go.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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You know, like hey, you know, pull up Jaquita, she can do the work, you know, send her out there, and when she's done, you know, great.
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You know, thanks for thanks for your service.
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We'll call you, we'll call you when we need you again.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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We'll have our people call your people.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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The Holy Spirit will check in when it's time for you to go again, you know.
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Right.
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Like, you really, you know, like I I feel like there is the there's this fine line that we tread where we are um constantly like trying to trying to be the most used person.
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Like, hey, listen, you know, Lord, I'm available.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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All I got, I'm giving it to you.
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It's yours, right?
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Yes, yes, and and yes, and yeah, it's yes, and yes, I'm available.
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Yes, I'm a servant, but I'm also a daughter.
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Yes, you know, I'm I'm also I'm also uh a person and not a tool.
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You get what I'm saying?
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I'm not a service, yes, you know.
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The Lord doesn't look at me and be like, all right, go to the about me section and see if Jaquita has the capacity to do X, Y, and Z.
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You know, I was uh I was recently just spending time with the Lord, and I'm you know, in my mind, I am just like, I got a list that is like 20 miles long.
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And I'm like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta do that, I gotta do that.
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And I'm just sitting here like, I just gotta trust God with all of it.
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I gotta give him all of these things.
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And the Lord is like, I just want you.
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I just want you.
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Yeah.
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And he is not looking for your understanding of self within the things that you do.
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He's looking for you to just bring you.
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Yeah.
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And to find and and working from the peace and the contentment that you get from being his child and using that as your center and then radiating that out to everything else that you do.
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Versus a, well, you know, I'm good at this, I'm good at that.
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People call on me for this, people call on me for that, and so I'm just gonna go wherever the people call.
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And I think that burnout is a trick that the enemy uses when we are trying to feel uh that sense of fulfillment and purpose and uh and acceptance, right?
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Like you get to a point where you have been spinning so hard that you know, if you are in a car and you start spinning your wheels long enough, you're gonna start digging yourself into a ditch.
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Yeah.
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And so I think that's what burnout looks like.
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It looks like we spin and spin and spin and spin and spin, and then we look up and we say, How did I get down?
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How did I get here?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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How how did I get here?
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I think your your point about being a child, um, that's been a concept that I've been that God has been reminding me of a lot lately.
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And that is, you know, I think about, you know, my my kid, uh, he's 10.
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And there are just things he expects me to do.
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Right?
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He just expects me to do it.
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Like, and he will sometimes he'll ask and sometimes he just waits.
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Like, and uh I and it's like it doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't matter if I'm tired, it doesn't matter if I'm busy, it doesn't matter if I've you know I've got other things obligated, it doesn't matter.
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There are things he just expects me to do.
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And I think that we uh especially as leaders, we lose that with God a lot of times because we are living in this uh we're living in this space where for other people they just expect us to do, right?
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And so we're constantly doing.
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And so it it it has become what people ex they expect you to take the next project, they expect you to take the call, they expect you to go and see the people, they expect you to take the raise, they expect you to take the promotion, they expect that and it's come to that.
00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:36.640
And I it's hard for us to get out of that and and and and not live in other people's expectations because of the a season of life we're in.
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Can I just have a moment to talk to my single middle adults?
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Talk to talk to them, talk to them, talk to them.
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All right.
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Let's I I just want us to have an honest moment.
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What areas of your life, of your work, of your service have you built things to depend on you?
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Yes.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like what and what ways did you build structures where you have so availed yourself and so given yourself to that thing, that organization, that cause, that purpose, that now that thing has become dependent on your ultimate sacrifice.