April 6, 2026

Learn to Design YOUR “Soft Life”

Learn to Design YOUR “Soft Life”

Send us Fan Mail We unpack what the “soft life” really means beyond the Instagram snapshot and why culture cannot be the author of our future. We talk alignment, seasons, mentorship, and the kind of foundation that makes abundance sustainable when life stops feeling soft. • the cultural “soft life” image and what it leaves out • defining a personal soft life through values and self-awareness • why authenticity matters more than aesthetics • appreciating steps, seasons,...

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Send us Fan Mail

We unpack what the “soft life” really means beyond the Instagram snapshot and why culture cannot be the author of our future. We talk alignment, seasons, mentorship, and the kind of foundation that makes abundance sustainable when life stops feeling soft.
• the cultural “soft life” image and what it leaves out
• defining a personal soft life through values and self-awareness
• why authenticity matters more than aesthetics
• appreciating steps, seasons, and small upgrades that fit your budget
• breaking down barriers like knowledge, access, and systemic hurdles
• wisdom sharing versus information sharing and why mentors matter
• why you want what you want and how that keeps you steady
• time freedom, flexibility, and work alignment as real wealth
• why skipping steps backfires and how to build capacity
Hey, friend, hey, why don't you take a moment and like, share, and subscribe, okay?
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.


00:00 - Welcome And Community Check-In

02:05 - Listener Feedback And Posting Rhythm

03:42 - Why We Re-Recorded This Talk

06:40 - The Social Media Soft Life

14:50 - Values Over Aesthetic And Image

21:39 - Abundance Looks Different For Everyone

23:55 - Small Luxuries And Budgeting Joy

27:39 - Barriers: Knowledge Access And Systems

31:35 - Mentorship Versus Generic How-Tos

35:55 - Seasons Change Your Soft Life

37:10 - Work Alignment And Real Rest

45:25 - Time Flexibility As True Wealth

48:50 - Why You Cannot Skip Steps

57:10 - Build Your Lane And Stamina

01:00:30 - Capacity Community And Taking Inventory

01:05:20 - Closing Thoughts And Stay Connected

WEBVTT

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Yo, yo, yo, what's up, everybody?

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And welcome to the Unlert podcast.

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I'm your host with Abigail, aka R A.

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What's up, friends?

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It's your girl, Jaquita.

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And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom.

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Listen, let's get to the more freedom, okay?

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Let's get to the more freedom.

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Let's get to the more freedom.

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I am excited about y'all.

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Listen, Sun's out, guns out, okay?

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It's hot.

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All right.

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It was almost 90 degrees out.

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Suns out, guns out is crazy because that actually is true.

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The guns come out more when it's sunny.

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Because then folk that come outside.

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Ruth Abigail, that's what they're doing in Memphis.

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I'm just saying that's a universal thing.

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Me, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

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Um, but you know, I was I was walking around outside today and I was getting faint between the pollen and the heat and all of the things.

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I was like, this summer is about to be something else.

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Because for it to be March and almost 90 degrees, I'm not ready.

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I'm not ready.

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Sorry to hear that.

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And that's not the case here.

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It's not so bad.

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It's actually kind of cool today.

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Like I wore this outside today.

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Okay, congratulations.

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Anywho, it's nice, y'all.

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Listen, we are excited to first of all, I feel the need to connect with the community in this moment.

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Hi, friends.

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Welcome.

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If we haven't seen you in a while, it's good to have you back.

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Yeah, if this is your first time visiting with us, welcome to the Unlearned Podcast, where we are just two middle adults out here having real conversations.

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Hey, friend, hey, why don't you take a moment and like, share, and subscribe, okay?

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Don't leave us hanging, all right?

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Don't just pass through.

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Okay.

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Let's let's let's sit down, let's chit-chat for a while, okay?

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We want you to be a part of the community, okay?

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Join us, okay?

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Join us.

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We have a great time here talking about great things.

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So I also would like to, in that same vein, acknowledge a listener who gave us a critique today.

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Would you, would you, you know who you are, you know what I'm saying?

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We want you we want you to know because it's so critical.

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I want to make sure that if he's watching, I want him to know that we listen to listener feedback.

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We do, we do.

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Uh, one of my mentees, Mr.

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Dalen, uh uh critiqued us today because he noted that we don't uh post on the days that we usually post on.

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And he was like, Y'all getting a little, y'all getting a little slank.

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It's supposed to be Tuesdays and Fridays, and then on Tuesdays ain't nothing.

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Then you come in with a post on Thursday.

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Yeah, yeah, you know, he's so you know, we back on our regimen.

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We gonna be better.

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I take full responsibility for the one week we did that, Daylight, but that's fine.

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Like, thank you.

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You know, I'm saying I we ain't gonna make it no pattern, you know.

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Um, so thank you for calling us out.

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We do listen.

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So if y'all tell us something like, hey, get your act together, we getting our act together, guys.

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You know, sometimes it's just be a season and we just be going through.

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We be forgetting, you know what I'm saying?

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We be forgetting, okay.

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I I like to remind people this really is a labor of love, okay?

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It's a labor of love, and when I say labor, I mean there are nights when we're coming in after long, long days, and we're like, all right, for the people, let's do it for the people.

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So don't do it.

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Everything we do is for the people.

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So we want to hear from you guys and continue to improve.

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Absolutely.

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So, Quita, um what we talk about today.

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Listen, okay, it's it's been said in these streets, okay.

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Hardwig soft life.

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Okay, that's what the streets is saying.

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Okay, the streets is saying that if you go out a certain way, that maybe you can attract someone that will invite you into the soft life.

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Now, listen, we are not here to give you tips and tricks.

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Nope.

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Okay, uh, to be to be moving forward into those endeavors, but we are here to millennial word unpack, okay.

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This idea of the man, we we went through a season where we loved an unpacking.

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Yeah, we did, boy godly.

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Unpacking seriously.

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Oh man.

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Okay, seriously.

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Um, but we, you know, we're here to talk about what is this soft life?

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Yeah, what are we what are we supposed to be going after?

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And and what does that look like for middle adults?

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And uh, okay, full transparency.

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Because what we hear from I was wondering if we was gonna tell the people go on the house.

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We're gonna tell the people for who it is.

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Guys, this is this is this is a good this is a good unlearning and ever set this for free.

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Hey, look, unlearn that just because you best friends don't mean you got to talk about stuff before you record.

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Hey, look, we know each other well, but sometimes, you know, we different.

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We different.

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We got a little, we got a little high and mighty.

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We was like, yo, man, turn the cameras on.

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Yeah, it's like we got it.

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And then we recorded an hour of us basically going back and forth, not on the same page, didn't not, and we don't always agree, nor do we feel like we have to necessarily agree, but there's a difference between disagreeing and being completely out of alignment, but also just like having a totally different conversation.

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We were having two different conversations in the same conversation, yeah, and it was like that's just confusing for everybody, and so we said, Hey, we gonna we gonna use our good good time on a Friday evening to re-record for y'all, yeah, so that it was not confusing, and we need to get on the same page, and so yeah, this is take two of this is a re-record.

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This is the re-recording.

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This is uh, you know, completely X out the draft.

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Okay, go ahead and let that other one go, and we we're gonna we because you know, I think what we both realized is that this was a little bit more important to both of us than we may have been able to convey in the last episode because we both were like kind of 10 toes down on what we were saying, and so that caused us to really say, okay, we need to maybe we need to go a little bit deeper on this, or maybe we need to think a little bit more intentionally about how we present this to an audience, yeah.

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And so uh welcome to the re-record friends, and we're happy to bring it to you guys.

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So we are talking, we are going to uh discuss this soft life situation.

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So quick, all right.

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So I have my understanding of what culturally this is, yeah, but I'm also not always up to date on the cultural trends, which we all know.

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Yeah, I'm that's true.

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I am so Queen of who is more up to date, kind of flesh it out from a cultural like standpoint when it comes to what the surface level idea of this is, yeah.

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And so I think kind of like the real kind of preeminent image of it, like the if it we were looking at like a snapshot on Instagram of the soft life, like what does that include, right?

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And I think essentially, I think the first thing people are like, I don't want work, you know, like I it has a soft life includes a life.

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Again, this is the kind of the snapshot version of it.

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A soft life includes a life where the the luxuries, the the opportunities to travel get flued out, okay?

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Not travel that I'm paying for or running up credit card debt over, but travel that is that is uh uh financed.

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That's the soft life.

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It is a financed life of luxury.

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Okay.

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Nah, I'm pulling out my pocket, going through any extremes to make anything happen.

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Okay.

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The soft life is exactly as it sounds.

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It is a life that uh is without uh hard work, but still I can't say without hard work because I I think a lot of people will tell you there's a lot of ways to like, you know, work to get your soft life.

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Yeah, but I I do think that it is it is very much contingent upon the goal being luxury, access, opportunities, and not just luxury like having really nice experiences, but luxury of having the 1% experiences, you know, of getting to go to the places and do the things.

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I think the the cultural reference to me that resonates the most with like the soft life motif is the movie Just Right and Paula Python's character, um, who's like, I'm trying to become an NBA wife and oh look, she got the new bag, nobody has that bag, you know, like and like when she got access to that life, she was like living on top of the world, everything was like Instagram picture ready.

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We were just, you know, living, but then when something hard happened, she was like, This is not the life I signed up for, signed up for the soft life, not the real one.

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And so I think culturally, when we think about just kind of again with the snapshot of the soft life, not how it looks for everyone, but how it's portrayed, right?

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I think I think that that kind of resonates with me as the most kind of like stark picture of it.

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And I think when we what we want to juxtapose it against and what what we think is important, one of the things we think is important to unlearn is that that does not um that like that is not a picture that has to fit with everyone.

00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:08.879
It's not necessarily a bad picture, but I think we would both include like we would both agree that it's not it's not a complete picture.

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Um and but it's also doesn't have to be your picture.

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However, when those images are what you see on a regular basis, sometimes it feels like we need to adopt it as ours.

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And so we begin to pursue a life that really is not truly authentic or aligned with who we really are, but because that's in our minds, when we hear that language, soft life culturally, we find ourselves in a in in uh creating rhythms towards something that in the end we're not really that committed to.

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Yeah, and I think that it causes us, I think, on that journey to have what are essentially things, right?

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Like it might be experiences, but it's experiences surrounding things, it's experiences surrounding um titles and surrounding uh opportunities, and not necessarily it's very focused on the doing and not the becoming.

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Um, and I think that you can't truly have, and I think this is what Paula Patton's character in that movie, I think her name was Morgan in the movie, just so I don't keep putting that on her as a person.

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But Morgan, right, right, right.

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Paula Patton, right, but Morgan in the movie, you know, I think that that was something that uh that was part of a journey that was going to be necessary for her to go on, was you don't get the soft life without the real, right?

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It doesn't matter how you got there, it doesn't matter how hard your wig was, okay, that got you into however, whatever persons who and how or how deep the pockets are.

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If you are not authentic, if the life is not authentic to who you are and and aligned with not just what you want to do, but but how you want to show up in the world, what you want your impact to be, um, uh what you're trying to build that last past, the moment you're in, then you're gonna find yourself hitting some real some when the storms hit, you're not gonna be able to navigate past those.

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And when life doesn't feel soft anymore, or when you realize that money can buy a lot of things, but it can't buy you purpose, it can't buy you a sense of self, a sense of identity, and that that's still a pursuit that you're on, you're still gonna have to do the self-work.

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Yeah.

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And and it's it's a good, you know, I think this is something because of the because of the exposure we have um to other people's worlds, that we do need to continue to like on a regular basis unlearn for culture to define our own futures.

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Like culture shouldn't define your future.

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Um and so that is, and so with when and so with that, like we have and should have what we define if we we use this cultural definition of a this cultural word, a soft life, but that doesn't mean that culture defines that for me.

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Um I think that you know, if if I'm if I'm looking at my life that I have now, you know, it's a different life than I had before I was married.

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I would say that before I was married, I probably would have said that I was living some version of a soft life.

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I didn't, it's not that that wasn't that wasn't the language back then, but like um it's like I I there was I had I'd done a lot of things, I accomplished a lot of things, I wasn't drowning in debt.

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I I could do most things I wanted to do and all this stuff.

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And so now from the outside looking in, was I fine first class and had designer bags and could take a trip out of the country whenever I wanted.

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No, I also don't care about that stuff.

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Like, you know, that's not who I am.

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So it's not so if if I had found myself trying to match a lifestyle that wasn't for me, I would have found myself making my life harder, trying to pursue a cultural reality that was not aligned with who I am.

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Even and and so like this soft life that other people would maybe equate to that, it wasn't mine.

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And it's okay because then my life was my life, and I and I enjoyed it.

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And I would say that same thing even today.

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We're in a position where we we like it's a we're blessed, like um, and I'm grateful for that.

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It's we don't live in a mansion, we don't live, you know, we don't have all the nice stuff, you know.

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With that's but that's also just not who we are.

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Um that's not it's not a it's not a part of our value system.

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So it just it goes back to understanding, and we talk about all the time who you are, being self-aware, being honest with that, understanding your values, making sure that your lifestyle is aligned with your values, and that is what gets you towards this path of what a soft life looks like.

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It's not about culture, you have to be aligned with you, otherwise, nothing will be soft about it.

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You know, I think it's so interesting that when uh I'm thinking about the movie Pursuit of Happiness, and I and I'm I'm thinking about how we kind of phrase this as like the pursuit of the American dream, right?

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Like it's very singular, as if everyone is trying to attain the same thing, you know.

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And while I do think that there is, of course, we could talk all day about the social disenfranchisement of how some have been more uh uh how some have been pushed a little bit more in attaining that dream than others and given more access in attaining that dream.

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I really feel like what also has been missing in that conversation is how that dream can be expanded within our families and with within our within our communities.

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Um, because I I look at my own family and I look at like some of the advances and some of the things that my mom has done that has put her in a better position, that has allowed her to, you know, have her own dreams and goals that she's attained and to create security for my sister and I.

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And, you know, to have not just what she needs, but what she wants, you know, and to dream, and and at every step of her life, she's been able to dream past that point to the next step.

00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:32.960
And I think the bigger issue when it comes to the soft life, you know, there are people in my life who would try to make the argument, okay, that I've entered into some imaginary bougie era, okay, where, you know, they think that they think that, you know, whereas before I may have not spent money on things or done things in a particular way, but now I'm just like throw it in the bag.

00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:35.519
This is completely not entirely true.

00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:36.880
Throw it in the bag.

00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:38.000
That's hilarious.

00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:40.720
Just throw it in the bag, okay?

00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:42.720
No, we're absolutely not there.

00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:43.599
I just want to be clear.

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That's not quite where I am fully, right?

00:17:50.319 --> 00:17:56.799
But I I do recognize that there was a a season where a door opened for me.

00:17:56.880 --> 00:18:05.920
And I think on one of them podcasts, right, we were talking, and I said, and I literally said, Hey, I've learned to live the life of lack.

00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:06.400
Yes.

00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:13.839
Okay, I have mastered, you know, being abase, and now it's time for me to learn how to be abound.

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It's time, I want to learn the life of abundance.

00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:18.319
Yeah.

00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:18.799
Right.

00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:31.839
And I think that in my introduction to, you know, scratching the surface, you know, scratch, very much scratching the surface, but very much in a better position than I was before.

00:18:32.079 --> 00:18:37.039
Um, you know, there are things that, you know, me and Ruth Abigail are very different here.

00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:44.720
You know, everything that she talked about of not wanting things and the we don't need a mansion.

00:18:44.799 --> 00:18:47.200
Who who don't need a mansion?

00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:50.400
Who don't who don't need the nice things?

00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:53.759
Who, who, okay, Gucci Versace me.

00:18:54.079 --> 00:18:54.400
Okay.

00:18:55.039 --> 00:19:01.119
I don't have any of that now, but I promise you, when it's time, I will, okay.

00:19:01.359 --> 00:19:15.039
But you know, but I one of the things that I had to learn, even as I'm like moving forward in my life, that there were things that the Lord literally instructed me, like, I want you to do this differently.

00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:18.079
And the first thing that the Lord told me was, hey, keep your nails done.

00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:19.839
Like, go get your nails done.

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.799
And at first I was like, oh yeah, that would make me feel better.

00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:24.480
I love getting my nails done.

00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:30.319
But now it's like, it's part of me, you know, because that's part of my soft life.

00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:36.240
That's part of me enjoying a luxury that when I was broke, okay.

00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:43.519
I I bought the little uh the little nail kit, the little, and it was in there trying to do the little dip nails, like, oh, I'm gonna make this work.

00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:48.000
So and they looked terrible and they lasted two days.

00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:51.200
But but that was something that always brought me joy.

00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:58.400
And when I was able to, it's something that I I absolutely like my nail tech knows she's gonna see me every three weeks.

00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:02.160
Like, hey girl, put me on the books because I'm coming, right?

00:20:02.240 --> 00:20:20.480
And and having the ability to go from a place of where I'm in here trying to DIY it, right, and doing a completely terrible job of it, to being able to move to a space where like I can make me and what's important to me a part of my budget.

00:20:20.960 --> 00:20:21.200
Right.

00:20:21.279 --> 00:20:24.480
Like that's a step toward the soft life.

00:20:24.720 --> 00:20:33.119
Um, and I think that in our kind of fast track culture, we don't really, we don't really acknowledge our appreciate the steps.

00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:40.400
Yeah, we're just like I have not arrived until I own a yacht, until I own a private jet.

00:20:40.559 --> 00:20:41.440
I'm not there.

00:20:41.599 --> 00:20:44.079
And and you gotta appreciate the journey.

00:20:44.319 --> 00:20:49.039
And I and I speaking of, okay, so let's let's kind of lean into that because I think that's important.

00:20:49.920 --> 00:20:56.240
Um the different elements of the journey and and what what that can look like.

00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:07.759
And I think that um there are different and doesn't and and all I don't think I don't ever I would say everybody's path towards your own version of this life is very different.

00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:08.240
Yeah.

00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:11.119
And uh, and that's something that we we have to acknowledge.

00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:18.240
But I think everybody does have a path, like you said, there is a journey, it's not just I jump from here to here overnight.

00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:20.559
Most of the time that's not the case.

00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:37.839
Um and so I think that the journey, uh, one of the things that your journey probably includes is this idea of uh identifying and breaking down barriers towards it.

00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:43.519
Um and so we we've talked about this principle before of mindset.

00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:49.039
Um I think we did a few episodes ago, if it's yeah, uh, I believe.

00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:53.440
So uh we talked about mindset in a lot of ways uh in this, if you've been listening to this at all.

00:21:53.839 --> 00:22:08.720
But that can be a barrier for for people is is even is is the Mindset of having a more abundant life is like you know, you we have to begin to break those barriers down.

00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:16.960
And there are three particular barriers that I think uh a lot of people struggle with breaking down that are really difficult.

00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:19.039
Um, first is a knowledge barrier.

00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:20.960
Sometimes I just don't know.

00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:23.039
Like I just don't know.

00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:27.839
Um and sometimes, and of course, we don't know who we don't know.

00:22:28.079 --> 00:22:31.519
The second thing, or what we don't know, the second thing is an access barrier.

00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:33.279
I may know, but I can't get it.

00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:36.480
Um, or I don't know how to get it.

00:22:36.799 --> 00:22:43.839
And the third barrier, which is a larger barrier to tackle, is like systemic or historical barriers.

00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:52.319
And those are a lot, those are those are a lot of times that's not a single pursuit, like that's a communal pursuit that we have to acknowledge.

00:22:52.480 --> 00:22:55.680
Um, and often a generational pursuit that we have to acknowledge.

00:22:56.319 --> 00:22:58.480
That is not something that happens quickly.

00:22:58.720 --> 00:23:08.319
And so with your knowledge barrier, I think the question we got to ask ourselves is what do I not know?

00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:11.839
And well, what do I know?

00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:15.599
Let me say that because I think that's like, hey, let's let's start with assets.

00:23:15.759 --> 00:23:18.319
Let's start with what what's what we can use.

00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:19.759
What do I know?

00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:35.920
And then when you and then asking yourself, who has what who has a life that I may want to attain or may want to um adhere, uh not attain, uh, what's the one I look for, Quita?

00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:42.319
Who has a life that I may want to emulate or um you know imitate in some sort of way?

00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:47.200
And get yourself around those people because they can tell you what you don't know.

00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:47.920
Yeah.

00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:54.240
And so knowledge is is is first identifying what you know, then you have to get around people who can tell you what you don't know.

00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:54.960
Yeah.

00:23:55.200 --> 00:24:03.759
Um, access, okay, once you get around those people, what do what do I what can I not grasp that they can help me get to?

00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:04.319
Yeah.

00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:10.160
Um, you know, what what ways and what what is what can they get that I can't, and how can they help me to get there?

00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:15.920
And then the systems thing, I think one of the this is a really hard one.

00:24:16.240 --> 00:24:19.039
It's a really hard solution.

00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:22.240
Again, this is something that is not individually pursued.

00:24:22.559 --> 00:24:23.839
You have to do it together.

00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:33.279
But what systems do I currently have to deal with that are creating barriers towards this ideal life?

00:24:34.880 --> 00:24:36.480
Is it a financial system?

00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:41.440
Is it a um educational system?

00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:46.160
Uh is it, you know, it what what kind of system is it?

00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:47.039
Like what is it?

00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:56.640
Is it, you know, what is the system that I keep hitting the wall against that also that is like I can't seem to get past this for whatever reason.

00:24:57.039 --> 00:25:06.640
And then you have to a lot of times like as a community, we have to be willing to move as one to then shift that system.

00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:12.640
Um because some of us slip through the cracks, and that's great, but most of us don't.

00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:20.400
Um and slipping through the cracks, great for that person, for the individual, that's cool.

00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:22.000
You know what I'm saying?

00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:36.240
Like you slip through the cracks, meaning like we, you know, for some of us, it's like, yeah, I landed, you know, it's that mentality of which I don't ascribe to, it's the mentality of like I don't uh like if I could do it, you could do it.

00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:37.599
That's not always true.

00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:46.480
You know, if you've done it, that's not always true that somebody else could just do it the way you've done it, because there are nuances there.

00:25:46.960 --> 00:25:57.200
And so some people have have a nuanced situation that can't be replicated and that didn't do anything about the other nine people behind you who the door closed on.

00:25:58.400 --> 00:25:59.519
That's what I mean.

00:26:01.200 --> 00:26:02.319
You know what I'm saying?

00:26:03.839 --> 00:26:09.680
And then you and then you go off and do your own thing, and the other nine people like, hey, I want to get in too.

00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:10.640
Well, do what I did.

00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:12.079
Open the door.

00:26:13.440 --> 00:26:14.400
Open the door.

00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:15.599
My Lord.

00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:17.039
But you but you haven't done it.

00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:21.119
So what so what systems are preventing you?

00:26:21.599 --> 00:26:22.160
What is it?

00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:25.119
And it's not, and I don't think that is an excuse thing.

00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:28.319
We can't use that as an excuse, but it's a reality.

00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:32.960
And then communally and generationally, let's begin to tackle that.

00:26:33.519 --> 00:26:33.839
Yeah.

00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:43.279
Um, you know, I think with the financial system thing, uh, the group Earn Your Leisure is a really good example of how they're doing that for the Black community.

00:26:43.839 --> 00:27:03.920
Like they are trying to educate people on a financial system and and um wealth-building uh solutions to help as a community and a generation us to break that cycle of um of financial hardship that a lot of us have to have to navigate.

00:27:04.720 --> 00:27:08.640
That is an example, right, of the what they're doing.

00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:11.359
They have figured it out and they're giving it back.

00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:13.039
Right.

00:27:13.279 --> 00:27:26.240
So, like I think those those to me are some real barriers we have to acknowledge towards a lot of people's versions of their soft life, is it knowledge, access, or systems.

00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:30.559
And you need to be sure, you need to, there are ways to go about it.

00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:35.759
Um, it could be all three, could be one, could be two, but be real about it.

00:27:35.920 --> 00:27:39.440
And and that's and that's not something that we should take lightly.

00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:42.480
I think that that's so important.

00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:54.559
Like, and and you know, I think the the thing is is that a lot of times we we try to tell people what we did, but we don't communicate why we did.

00:27:54.880 --> 00:27:55.119
Absolutely.

00:27:56.079 --> 00:28:08.640
My situation may not completely uh match yours, and I may need the wisdom of why you did it so that I can apply it in a way that makes sense for me.

00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:40.559
Um, and I think that we have a lot of how-tos, you know, like how to how to how to build your finances in 10 days, how to fix your credit score, you know, and you know, like every there's there's so many how-to's, you know, everybody is is trying to give you the manual, but I think real wisdom sharing does not happen in a style that is just information sharing.

00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.680
Wisdom sharing and information sharing are different.

00:28:43.920 --> 00:29:01.839
Like, in order to really pass down information that someone can apply, you you have to put in the work as a mentor or as a as a person that is trying to convey to someone how to or trying to motivate someone to move differently.

00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:03.519
You got to spend the time with them.

00:29:03.680 --> 00:29:17.680
You know, I recently just did some sessions on dreams and goals and helping college students and graduate students to really think through how am I navigating moving from my now to my next.

00:29:17.920 --> 00:29:29.759
And the one thing that I told them was you cannot, you're gonna get to a point where you can't go any higher, and you're going to need a mentor because mentors invest in potential.

00:29:29.920 --> 00:29:34.960
And an investment does not look like, hey, you know, here's some resources.

00:29:35.279 --> 00:29:36.000
Be well.

00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:38.079
That's not the investment, yeah.

00:29:38.319 --> 00:29:38.720
Right?

00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:53.200
An investment is it, it is intimate, it is, it is vulnerable, it is a place where I'm really looking at your life as a whole and not at just the one thing that I know about you.

00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:58.720
And we try to give people a lot of wisdom based off of the one thing that we know about them.

00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:14.640
Um, and it causes people not to trust uh the people that they're getting information from, or it causes people to kind of take tidbits from 10 million different places, trying to build a plan or build a structure for how they're gonna move forward.

00:30:14.799 --> 00:30:37.200
And I think in this pursuit of the soft life, it's, you know, because there is a lot of, you know, I'm thinking about, and you guys will have to excuse me because I am writing a dissertation on black women in mentorship and and how we use our stories and our narratives to kind of share wisdom.

00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:51.119
And I I when you think about where where different communities are situated right now in this historical moment, okay, I there is just a sense of we tired.

00:30:51.599 --> 00:30:53.200
Like we're not doing it.

00:30:53.279 --> 00:31:03.440
And I, you know, I've had so many conversations with other people in this PhD process with me, other people who are, especially those of us that work in higher ed, shout out to y'all.

00:31:03.519 --> 00:31:04.000
I see y'all.

00:31:04.079 --> 00:31:05.359
I know it's about to be May.

00:31:05.519 --> 00:31:10.400
I know we're tired, okay, but we gonna, we we pushing toward the end of this this year, okay?

00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:12.720
Let's just let's keep going strong, right?

00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:31.839
But but there, I but that is probably who I have had the most conversations with about this, you know, like where you get to a point where you're like, is pursuing purpose worth all of the effort, all of the energy, all of the time that I've had to commit to it, or should I just be pursuing a soft life?

00:31:32.079 --> 00:31:32.319
Right?

00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:39.680
Like, should I and and and the soft life becomes juxtaposed against your pursuit of purpose?

00:31:40.000 --> 00:32:13.119
It's like I could continue doing the hard things of giving back and serving and mentoring and pouring and all of these things, or I could pursue the life where I'm not accountable or responsible to anyone, where I, you know, get a get money, maybe raise some children and cook and clean, you know, like, and not that that's not necessarily the soft life, but it's because the life that we're in currently feels so challenging, where you get to a point where you say, I don't want to work anymore.

00:32:13.359 --> 00:32:19.279
And and the wisdom that is getting shared with you from older generations is bear through it.

00:32:19.759 --> 00:32:29.279
You know, I literally had somebody today, it took everything in me, not to roll my eyes, Ruth Abigail, not this particular person, but it took everything in me.

00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:34.079
Because, you know, I was they were talking with me and they were like, hey, you know, you got any prospects?

00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:35.039
Where the prospects at?

00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:46.640
And then they was like, you know, they say the man's supposed to find the wife, you know, and I was just like, I believe in the Bible, uh, just like anybody, you know what I'm saying?

00:32:46.720 --> 00:33:04.000
I'm 10 toes down, and and I follow this word, I believe every bit of this word, but I feel like this is a generational nugget that has kept women from like even like uh looking like they're looking for somebody.

00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:06.480
Like, and so we look unfindable.

00:33:06.720 --> 00:33:09.119
We done now we stuck in the house.

00:33:09.440 --> 00:33:12.880
We ain't going nowhere and we ain't talking to nobody because we're waiting to be found.

00:33:13.039 --> 00:33:18.400
And y'all told us that he was gonna come creeping up somewhere, and one day we were gonna be found.

00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:35.119
And now you have a generation of women who are like lies were told, lies were told, but in this wisdom sharing from kind of one generation to the next, or one group of people to the next, we've lost the whys.

00:33:35.359 --> 00:33:39.599
Yeah, we we we've lost the context, and so I don't know.

00:33:39.839 --> 00:33:41.200
I feel like I said a lot.

00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:44.559
One of the things what I've I've shared this, I'm sure I'm sharing a million times.

00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:49.519
It's one of my favorite quotes by a philosopher, um, unknown.

00:33:49.599 --> 00:33:57.920
I do not know his name, I don't know that anybody does, but um, he said that uh uh children are great interpreters.

00:33:58.079 --> 00:34:02.880
No, children are great imitators of their fathers, but terrible interpreters.

00:34:03.599 --> 00:34:08.159
And I think that that speaks to what you're saying.

00:34:08.719 --> 00:34:21.360
We are very good at copying behavior, but we don't know why our the people that we are seeing the behavior from do are doing that behavior.

00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:27.280
Yes, and so what happens is if all you do is copy it, you will never sustain it.

00:34:27.599 --> 00:34:32.639
And you also because you can't just keep doing something and not know why you're doing it, you won't keep doing it.

00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:36.000
Yeah, um, and their why is not your why.

00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:45.440
So, and oftentimes the why will modify the behavior, and some of our behaviors need to be modified.

00:34:45.920 --> 00:34:54.000
Like we do not need to behave in the same ways as previous generations, but because we we see it, we do it.

00:34:54.559 --> 00:34:56.320
And that's that's unwise.

00:34:56.639 --> 00:34:58.000
To your point, it's unwise.

00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:10.400
And I think that you know, um as you're pursuing whatever your version of the soft life is, the the first you gotta ask yourself why why do I want this life?

00:35:10.960 --> 00:35:14.159
Uh why why am I going hard after this?

00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:21.360
Um because if you don't know that, you won't stay on the path.

00:35:21.599 --> 00:35:24.320
And then you'll get frustrated when you don't make it.

00:35:24.880 --> 00:35:27.360
And that's and then it can be dejecting.

00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:33.760
And so I think it's important to really like sit with that and again, don't let culture dictate that for you, man.

00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:40.079
Like figure it out, like spend some real time with yourself and say, like, hey, this is why.

00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:44.079
Um, this is why I want this to be a part of my life.

00:35:44.559 --> 00:35:45.599
And then understand.

00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:54.400
I think the other thing we have to we have to unlearn about this is that I think I think our soft life gets redefined at different seasons of life.

00:35:54.719 --> 00:35:56.159
Talk about it, right?

00:35:56.400 --> 00:35:57.519
Talk about it.

00:35:57.760 --> 00:36:08.480
And I feel like the soft life that I would have maybe had in my head 20 years ago is different than the soft life that I have in my head now.

00:36:08.800 --> 00:36:12.079
It's different than when I was before I was married, then after I'm married.

00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:15.039
It's different before we have children to after we have children.

00:36:15.199 --> 00:36:20.400
It's different when those children then leave and now it's back to the two of you, right?

00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:24.320
Or the one of you, whoever, what whoever still existed at that point, right?

00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:25.440
It's different.

00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:33.760
And so also don't get attached to the soft life that you see right now in your mind.

00:36:33.840 --> 00:36:44.079
Or and so understanding that your circumstances, status of life, seasons of life will oftentimes shift that for you.

00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:49.599
And that's okay, but that's that's again why the why is so so important.

00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:50.320
Yeah.

00:36:50.639 --> 00:36:56.800
Because now you understand what the real motivation is for pursuing all those different versions.

00:36:56.960 --> 00:36:57.199
Yes.

00:36:57.440 --> 00:36:58.480
You know what I'm saying?

00:36:58.800 --> 00:37:02.159
No, I know exactly what you're saying, my sister.

00:37:02.400 --> 00:37:07.039
Um, but not necessary, but okay.

00:37:08.159 --> 00:37:21.760
Uh, you know, I I I one thing that I'm really processing through right now is kind of like how my ways of work are changing um and how necessary it is to be aligned, you know.

00:37:21.920 --> 00:37:22.719
Listen, all right.

00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:27.599
I've been in middle management for a good little minute right now, you know, and I love middle management.

00:37:27.679 --> 00:37:29.280
You know, you do a good job.

00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:30.079
You do a good job.

00:37:30.320 --> 00:37:33.440
Listen, I I believe in middle management.

00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:34.480
I really do.

00:37:34.719 --> 00:38:04.800
Um, I went from a role where I was supervising a team and uh really doing more coaching, mentoring, vision setting, um, and and and and really kind of breaking down ideas and moving the mission of a team forward to a role that is a little bit more administrative and a little bit more um, I don't know, like every day I get to kind of decide what what this role looks like.

00:38:04.960 --> 00:38:10.480
It has a great impact, but it's not team-based, it's not coaching mentoring based.

00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:22.800
Um, and so as I'm thinking through kind of like where I want my career trajectory to be, I realize that I am not the executor that I was in my early 30s.

00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:32.239
I am not the A, I'm about to go out here and we're about to program all night, okay, until all of these students feel a sense of belonging, okay?

00:38:32.400 --> 00:38:36.480
I'm in these programming streets all day with you, okay?

00:38:36.639 --> 00:38:38.559
What what the program in at midnight?

00:38:38.639 --> 00:38:46.239
Let's roll, okay, because I believe that every student deserves an opportunity to have a sense of belonging.

00:38:46.320 --> 00:38:48.639
And I do very much still believe in that.

00:38:48.800 --> 00:39:02.559
And I do still very much want to be connected as I help the people who are doing those roles to execute and to you know have vision and to strengthen their resolve about that.

00:39:02.719 --> 00:39:11.599
But when I think about the salt life for me, okay, my almost 40-year-old self just ain't finna be out here till midnight.

00:39:11.840 --> 00:39:13.360
No, we ain't doing it.

00:39:13.599 --> 00:39:14.880
Not not every week.

00:39:15.039 --> 00:39:15.920
No, we ain't doing it.

00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:16.880
Not every week.

00:39:17.039 --> 00:39:26.800
And so I think what I'm more focused on in my upcoming season is how do I continue?

00:39:27.039 --> 00:39:35.360
I want to be as purposeful and as impactful and as aligned as possible, right?

00:39:35.440 --> 00:39:47.199
Like I want to make sure that I'm giving everything that's in me to give now while recognizing that it is very different than what I gave, you know, even five, six years ago.

00:39:47.440 --> 00:40:02.639
Like, you know, based off of how I've grown, based off of who I know myself to uh to be in this moment, like this Draquita is packed with a lot more to offer than what the Draquita of yesterday was.

00:40:02.880 --> 00:40:21.360
And in order to operate fully in the space that I'm headed to, I have to be in a place where I'm I'm a visionary, where I where I'm an overseer, where I'm a coach, where I'm a mentor, where I'm a and so, yes, still middle management, but at an elevated level, right?

00:40:21.519 --> 00:40:33.119
And so even in just thinking about that, when I think about the soft life, the first thing that comes to mind for me, because I will tell you that if you had asked me about the soft life a year ago, I'd have been like, I don't need to work.

00:40:33.519 --> 00:40:33.840
Okay.

00:40:35.519 --> 00:40:50.159
Um, and and just put me on a nice, nice fluffy couch, okay, and I will learn to cook whatever okay this person requires because you know, soft life previously did include a man with a lot of money.

00:40:50.320 --> 00:40:50.480
Sure.

00:40:50.719 --> 00:40:54.159
Um, but I now recognize that you know we can wealth build together.

00:40:54.320 --> 00:40:54.719
There you go.

00:40:54.880 --> 00:40:55.199
Amen.

00:40:55.440 --> 00:40:55.760
Amen.

00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:59.280
We can build together.

00:40:59.519 --> 00:41:04.320
I just don't want to invite just anybody to this party, but just make sure you're coming ready to build.

00:41:04.480 --> 00:41:04.719
Absolutely.

00:41:05.039 --> 00:41:06.239
That you already got it.

00:41:06.400 --> 00:41:07.840
You know what I'm saying?

00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:10.159
You know, welcome to apply.

00:41:10.480 --> 00:41:10.800
Okay.

00:41:14.320 --> 00:41:32.000
But you know, I just think that it's just so necessary that you know what alignment looks like for you in this season of your life, you know, like it and this season of my life, alignment looks like I get what I buy what I need, right?

00:41:32.159 --> 00:41:36.079
Like, yeah, you know, like there was a time where I couldn't buy nothing.

00:41:36.320 --> 00:41:47.360
I you know, I I mean uh producer Joy recently went on a little birthday trip, you know, to the beautiful island of Honolulu, and you know, we had a great time.

00:41:47.440 --> 00:41:57.199
And there was just a moment on that trip where I was just like, I have never felt this relaxed, you know, it must be Hawaii, it must be the waves, it must be the beautiful weather.

00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:01.360
And Joy was like, that's because you're used to taking trips and not vacations.

00:42:01.760 --> 00:42:02.079
Right.

00:42:02.159 --> 00:42:03.280
And and she was right.

00:42:03.440 --> 00:42:13.119
Normally, I'm I normally I'm usually driving somewhere because I like having my car and I like to pack a lot and I like to have all my stuff with me.

00:42:13.280 --> 00:42:13.599
Okay.

00:42:14.079 --> 00:42:26.079
But I I uh but in this month, usually when I'm going on a trip, I'm going to visit somebody's house, okay, and we're just there for a few days on a on a on a on a mission, right?

00:42:26.239 --> 00:42:30.079
Like, hey, we just here together for these few days to do this thing, right?

00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:36.800
I had not really been on a vacation that the whole purpose was for me to relax.

00:42:36.960 --> 00:42:39.360
And so I had never felt that for myself.

00:42:39.519 --> 00:42:44.880
And I would like to say, now that I've experienced it, I don't plan on stopping.

00:42:45.519 --> 00:42:49.679
I don't plan on going backwards.

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:57.440
Okay, I absolutely plan on experiencing more vacations, okay, and not just trips.

00:42:57.519 --> 00:43:07.119
I absolutely plan on continuing to get my nails done, okay, nails done, hair done, every not everything, but you know, the things that are important to me.

00:43:07.280 --> 00:43:09.440
Because, you know, I listen, I got a budget.

00:43:09.519 --> 00:43:10.400
It's a line item.

00:43:10.480 --> 00:43:19.360
I can't just be floating that line item, you know, but but I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm taking everything in my life to the next level.

00:43:19.599 --> 00:43:27.920
Um, and so that that comes with a requirement that I that I am aligned, that I know myself, that I know what's important to me.

00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:30.480
And what's important to me is not important to Ruth Abigail.

00:43:30.719 --> 00:43:32.159
Not at all, not at all, not at all.

00:43:33.440 --> 00:43:36.239
I have I have my nail journey has come up.

00:43:36.719 --> 00:43:39.360
You were getting your nails done consistently before me.

00:43:39.519 --> 00:43:40.400
I was okay.

00:43:40.719 --> 00:43:41.920
Ruth don't play, you know.

00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:43.440
She goes and get that little color.

00:43:43.519 --> 00:43:52.639
I'd be like, look at her with a little yellow for very different reasons, though.

00:43:52.960 --> 00:43:55.280
Like, I get my nails done for different reasons.

00:43:55.440 --> 00:43:59.840
I I that's that's like my version of the spa, right, honestly.

00:44:00.400 --> 00:44:02.159
Like it is relaxing.

00:44:03.039 --> 00:44:04.880
I enjoy the place I go.

00:44:05.760 --> 00:44:07.920
The woman who does them is like my big sister.

00:44:08.000 --> 00:44:10.559
We always chop it up and she pours into me.

00:44:10.800 --> 00:44:13.760
And it it's not it's not it ain't the same.

00:44:13.920 --> 00:44:21.199
Like, I mean, I will go, my nails come out looking good, but I didn't necessarily go there for my nails to look good.

00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:23.199
I went there for other reasons.

00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:24.000
You know what I'm saying?

00:44:24.079 --> 00:44:25.119
So I just, you know.

00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:27.599
Everything has to be practical with Ruth Abigail.

00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:28.639
I mean, that's true.

00:44:29.599 --> 00:44:32.000
Practical reason that I need to be in here.

00:44:32.400 --> 00:44:33.519
It's just a perk.

00:44:33.840 --> 00:44:34.639
It's a perk.

00:44:34.719 --> 00:44:35.440
And I love it.

00:44:35.599 --> 00:44:41.679
But that is like, it is important for me to show up to spaces that fulfill me.

00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:49.519
And so part of the soft life for me is having that free having the freedom to do that.

00:44:49.760 --> 00:45:11.280
And so, you know, again, like again, we have talked about before, just like, how do you, and a lot for a lot of us, that's really um the freedom comes tied to work, career, like making sure that those things uh you have you have freedom within that context uh to do the things that you want to do.

00:45:11.440 --> 00:45:18.480
It's hard, you it's hard to when you when you're trapped and you don't have that kind of freedom, it's hard to pursue certain things.

00:45:18.719 --> 00:45:25.199
And so I just remember that like my soft life has it's not about the amount of money I make for me.

00:45:25.440 --> 00:45:27.679
Now that ain't that ain't the case for everybody.

00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:31.199
It is not about the amount of money, it's about my time.

00:45:32.159 --> 00:45:35.599
I'm willing to take less to have more time.

00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:39.599
And I have always I've been that way for years.

00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:52.480
I remember telling a former former boss of mine, hey, you don't have to worry about giving me a raise as long as you keep letting me do what I like have flexibility in my schedule.

00:45:53.119 --> 00:45:59.039
And you know, that doesn't mean I feel you, hey, that ain't for everybody.

00:45:59.280 --> 00:46:10.480
That's cool, but again, I don't need I don't, I my values are not tied to material stuff, so I was like, hey, I don't need money for stuff like that.

00:46:10.559 --> 00:46:12.719
I got enough money to live, I'm cool.

00:46:12.960 --> 00:46:16.079
I want to be able to move where I want to move when I'm gonna move.

00:46:16.320 --> 00:46:24.400
I want to be able to get connected and involved in things I want to get connected and involved in outside of my day-to-day, and I want to have the flexibility to do that.

00:46:24.719 --> 00:46:31.280
And if if if if paying me double means I don't get that kind of flexibility, I'll keep, I'll keep, I'll keep it.

00:46:31.360 --> 00:46:33.039
You keep that, keep it.

00:46:33.280 --> 00:46:34.239
I want this.

00:46:34.800 --> 00:46:38.079
So that and I know that sounds like double and the flexibility.

00:46:38.320 --> 00:46:38.880
I understand that.

00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:44.480
I want it all, and of course, you can of course, if if that's the pay, if that's the case, cool.

00:46:44.559 --> 00:46:54.880
But the reality is a lot of times you have to choose because it's like people who the more you invest in people, the more you go inspect from them.

00:46:54.960 --> 00:46:56.079
That's just the truth.

00:46:56.400 --> 00:47:03.360
And so it's like, hey, if I'm not ready to do that, then I want to have the flexibility to choose.

00:47:03.519 --> 00:47:07.280
So anyway, I think that it's important to understand yourself.

00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:12.639
Um, so there's a quote, a lot of y'all have heard it, I'm sure.

00:47:13.039 --> 00:47:24.239
Jilly from Philly, one of my one of our favorites, but um yeah, Jill Scott was on a podcast or interview, whatever she was doing, and she made this quote went viral.

00:47:24.719 --> 00:47:27.679
It's the quote, and we kind of live by this.

00:47:28.480 --> 00:47:39.039
You work hard in your 20s, you work smart in your 30s, you work how you want to in your 40s.

00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:40.880
That's where we are, amen.

00:47:41.360 --> 00:47:42.639
I'm not in my 40s yet.

00:47:42.719 --> 00:47:44.400
No, no, that's where we're headed.

00:47:44.639 --> 00:47:47.199
I wouldn't talk about I'm just saying, you know, you work how you want to.

00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:50.559
We can cut out in your 40s part, but you work how you want to, amen.

00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:59.760
You work when you want to in your 50s, my Lord, and you work if you want to in your 60s, if you want to.

00:48:00.320 --> 00:48:10.159
Hey, all to in order to have that, to I mean, and she didn't she didn't say this, but to me, that is a version of a soft life.

00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:17.199
That is a great picture of what your soft life of the journey to towards your soft life.

00:48:17.360 --> 00:48:20.960
But even in the midst of that journey, there are elements of a soft life.

00:48:21.119 --> 00:48:27.039
To be able to say I work smart in my 30s and don't have to work hard, that's a part of a soft life.

00:48:27.280 --> 00:48:28.320
You know what I'm saying?

00:48:29.280 --> 00:48:42.480
And so I think that that is very, I think we have to, I think we have to just like understand each each each element of that includes soft life behavior.

00:48:42.719 --> 00:48:50.719
Um and it also is a part of the journey to say, okay, you work hard in your 20s.

00:48:50.880 --> 00:48:55.360
Now, this might be a little controversial, but that's okay.

00:48:55.519 --> 00:48:56.800
Yeah, I know I'm cool with it.

00:48:57.840 --> 00:49:04.079
There are a lot of people in their 20s now that want to not have to work hard.

00:49:05.039 --> 00:49:06.320
Let's just be honest.

00:49:06.559 --> 00:49:10.559
It's like I want my soft life in my 60s and my 20s.

00:49:11.760 --> 00:49:17.039
And in my humble opinion, that ain't reality.

00:49:17.440 --> 00:49:20.719
Like, it's not reality, nor is it even healthy.

00:49:21.119 --> 00:49:23.760
I would I would say it's not a healthy pursuit.

00:49:24.159 --> 00:49:28.159
Um, you are you're we're designed for purpose, for work.

00:49:28.320 --> 00:49:29.519
That's what we're designed to do.

00:49:29.599 --> 00:49:33.519
You we're not designed to just sit around and just let life happen to us.

00:49:33.920 --> 00:49:38.800
Um, but it's like you have an opportunity to grind in your 20s.

00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:40.239
That is not a bad thing.

00:49:40.480 --> 00:49:44.639
It doesn't mean grind forever, but you have an opportunity to do it.

00:49:44.719 --> 00:49:52.800
And if you take the opportunity in your 20s, then you can move forward to work smarter in your 30s.

00:49:52.960 --> 00:50:02.880
But what we want, but what we I think what culture presents to a lot of young adults is you don't have to do that, you can have that right now.

00:50:03.119 --> 00:50:07.679
But what happens is become an influencer and your life change overnight.

00:50:07.920 --> 00:50:08.559
Overnight.

00:50:08.719 --> 00:50:11.679
And you could do it, you don't have to do all that hard stuff right now.

00:50:11.920 --> 00:50:27.840
But the problem is, if you if you s if you if you skip those steps, you have to ask yourself, okay, if I get this life in my 20s that most people get in their 50s and 60s, what am I do for the next 70 years of my life?

00:50:28.960 --> 00:50:30.559
What does that look like?

00:50:31.760 --> 00:50:32.320
For real.

00:50:32.719 --> 00:50:35.199
I mean, like, what am I gonna do now?

00:50:35.360 --> 00:50:45.440
Like, yeah, and and so you haven't practiced the principle of pathways, you don't know what that is.

00:50:46.000 --> 00:51:06.400
Yeah, and so now the life that you think you were gonna have when barriers come up and they will, when challenges come up and they will, when shifts of life happen and they will, you some you won't know how to manage it, yeah, because you didn't pursue managing those things early on, yeah.

00:51:06.639 --> 00:51:16.239
And so I would I would argue don't pursue something before you have the foundation to handle it, because you don't yet.

00:51:16.559 --> 00:51:39.840
That's just the truth, time matters, like low key, low-key, you you you 100% on it because I think that the the the journey of self-awareness that you go on in your 20s is based on really based on the level of investment that you put into that work.

00:51:40.159 --> 00:51:43.679
Like you have to, you gotta, you gotta give it your all.

00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:47.440
You got you, and I I hate to use this language, but it's just the truth.

00:51:47.599 --> 00:51:49.599
You gonna have to pay your dues.

00:51:49.920 --> 00:51:55.039
You gonna you nobody gets to nobody gets to get on the train and they ain't pay that ticket.

00:51:55.360 --> 00:51:58.480
And those of you that hopped the gate, you get what I'm saying?

00:51:58.559 --> 00:52:00.880
Like, the cops are running for you now, right?

00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:01.199
Right?

00:52:01.280 --> 00:52:02.239
You cheated the system.

00:52:02.320 --> 00:52:10.719
It's like I don't know if anybody saw the movie Soul, where you know that that one little spirit spent all his time looking for him because he like he messed up my count.

00:52:10.960 --> 00:52:16.960
Okay, don't set yourself, you cannot cheat your way into the soft life.

00:52:17.119 --> 00:52:32.079
Yeah, no, you cannot, you cannot cheat your way into having this life of abundance and have you have to you have to make the investment of learning who you are and learning a the ways that you contribute.

00:52:32.239 --> 00:52:43.119
And I think that that's part of the bigger conversation is that there's so there are people who are so focused on what they can get out of the system and not what they're supposed to give.

00:52:43.360 --> 00:52:50.400
And in any healthy relationship with anybody or anything, there has to be a give and take.

00:52:50.639 --> 00:53:00.239
I I have to know what it is that I'm gaining from my association with you, just like I have to be clear about what it is that I give, right?

00:53:00.400 --> 00:53:09.599
And I think that we are we are, as a person who works in higher ed and has done so for almost 15 years, right?

00:53:09.679 --> 00:53:26.559
Like that is a a heavy task for those of us that work with youth and young adults, is to prepare them not to just be takers, but to also figure out what is your what is your meaning, what is your value, what are you gonna give back?

00:53:26.800 --> 00:53:27.440
Yes.

00:53:27.840 --> 00:53:42.719
How how are you beginning to understand who you are and where you fit in the context of a place that you can serve people, systems, processes, change, uh, movements.

00:53:42.960 --> 00:53:44.800
Like you gotta be a part of this.

00:53:45.119 --> 00:53:55.920
And when we look at, and I have told groups of young people consistently, I'm like, when we look through history, it was the young people who shifted the narrative of history.

00:53:56.079 --> 00:54:08.159
It was the young people who were doing the hard work of calling things out and forcing things to change and and doing whatever they had to do to flip narratives, right?

00:54:08.239 --> 00:54:09.760
And to and to contribute.

00:54:09.920 --> 00:54:22.000
It was the it was, you know, George Washington Carver out there with the peanuts, you know, it was the abolitionists, it was the it was, you know, everyone that you respect, that you, you know, listen to in history.

00:54:22.079 --> 00:54:23.920
Y'all all saw Hamilton, right?

00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:34.880
They were young, they were some they were some teenagers, some some young adults, you know, changing the entire narrative of the country, right?

00:54:35.039 --> 00:54:40.400
And and you do not get to use your 20s to just become rich.

00:54:40.559 --> 00:54:42.159
No, I'm not saying that you can't.

00:54:42.320 --> 00:54:43.360
I hope that you do.

00:54:43.599 --> 00:54:51.840
Yeah, I I I listen, I am invested in you getting everything you need before I got it, because it took me way too long.

00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:54.239
Okay, it took me way too long, right?

00:54:54.400 --> 00:55:01.679
I I'm fully invested in you uh reaching statuses that I didn't reach until much later because I am gonna reach it.

00:55:01.760 --> 00:55:05.840
I ain't gonna say reach statuses I never reached, okay, because I'm trying to get there too.

00:55:05.920 --> 00:55:07.280
We all we all going.

00:55:07.440 --> 00:55:11.440
Okay, you're just gonna get there at a younger age, but I'm gonna get there too.

00:55:11.599 --> 00:55:13.360
Okay, just you tell equidum.

00:55:13.440 --> 00:55:13.599
Amen.

00:55:14.639 --> 00:55:18.079
Talk about those things which be not as though they were.

00:55:18.239 --> 00:55:18.719
All right.

00:55:18.880 --> 00:55:26.800
But you know, I think that I think that we have to be intentional about telling them the truth of what it takes.

00:55:26.960 --> 00:55:29.760
You know, I uh watch a lot of influences.

00:55:29.920 --> 00:55:32.320
One of my favorites is Kev on Stage, you know.

00:55:32.639 --> 00:55:36.079
He is, you know, really, really popping right now.

00:55:36.159 --> 00:55:41.519
But I was there in the beginning when he was just putting out content consistently, and he still does.

00:55:41.679 --> 00:55:44.079
He has not slacked off of that, right?

00:55:44.159 --> 00:55:55.039
Like he has not slacked off with his consistency, he has not slacked off in his work ethic, he has not slacked off in his ability to relate and communicate and to stay current.

00:55:55.119 --> 00:56:03.840
He has not slacked off, and the reason he has not slacked off is because when he was young, he found an alignment with who he was supposed to be and what his lane was.

00:56:03.920 --> 00:56:08.880
And he stayed in that lane and he just gets better and better and better in his lane.

00:56:09.199 --> 00:56:11.280
You have to do the work of finding your lane.

00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:12.880
You do, you have to do it.

00:56:13.039 --> 00:56:13.360
Period.

00:56:13.519 --> 00:56:25.440
You have to do it, you have to do it, you have to do it, and and and the the season of life, a great season of life to do that is in your 20s and to just go after it.

00:56:25.599 --> 00:56:25.840
Go on.

00:56:26.480 --> 00:56:28.320
You gotta do something in your 30s too, just to be clear.

00:56:28.400 --> 00:56:29.039
No, you're gonna do it.

00:56:29.119 --> 00:56:33.920
No, no, that's still young adult territory, but you just have to, but you have to start, you gotta get after it.

00:56:34.079 --> 00:56:50.480
And and you know, it's it really is like the expectation of, you know, which is it's just hard to, it's hard, it's hard to, or it's easy to to have this mentality of like, you know, uh people who are married under five years expecting their marriage to be like people who have been married for 40.

00:56:50.719 --> 00:56:53.840
Like like it's not it's not the same.

00:56:54.079 --> 00:57:01.039
You you've you you could mimic all the things you see, but time, time, like time matters.

00:57:01.360 --> 00:57:16.880
So the time that you take to build a foundation early on in the journey of your life as a young adult is going to that's I think that's why Kev on stage can keep can still do what he's doing now.

00:57:18.159 --> 00:57:23.039
He is he took the time to build a foundation to manage that kind of rhythm.

00:57:23.199 --> 00:57:23.519
Yeah.

00:57:23.679 --> 00:57:25.679
And so, and it hasn't broken him.

00:57:25.840 --> 00:57:28.880
But think about if he started that rhythm now.

00:57:29.519 --> 00:57:30.239
My lord.

00:57:30.480 --> 00:57:34.559
Now it's it's just you know, and and had never done it before and anything else.

00:57:34.800 --> 00:57:35.280
Yeah.

00:57:35.519 --> 00:57:35.840
Right.

00:57:36.000 --> 00:57:38.559
So it's like, hey, that's not that's not ideal.

00:57:38.719 --> 00:57:40.800
Not to say it can't happen, but it's not ideal.

00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:58.159
So if you have the opportunity now to build up your stamina, start the rhythm of of the of the of the good habits, of the discipline, of the of the making harder choices, um, you know, doing all those things, learning what you need to learn, being around the right community.

00:57:58.400 --> 00:58:00.159
Start that rhythm now.

00:58:00.400 --> 00:58:00.719
Yeah.

00:58:00.880 --> 00:58:03.199
Um, the grind, start it now.

00:58:03.360 --> 00:58:07.199
You will grind looks different as you get older.

00:58:08.079 --> 00:58:17.360
It very much looks different, but there's still levels of exhaustion, there's still levels of energy that you have to give, but it looks different.

00:58:17.440 --> 00:58:21.360
So don't assume that the grind is not the grind, but it's a different grind.

00:58:21.440 --> 00:58:27.280
But if you don't, if you don't focus on the grind you're in now, you'll never get to that different grind.

00:58:27.599 --> 00:58:27.840
Yeah.

00:58:28.159 --> 00:58:42.079
And so I think just owning where you are, don't try to don't try to jump because you see what the outcome looks like for other people when they're there.

00:58:42.559 --> 00:58:46.000
They're there doesn't is not your there, so hold on.

00:58:46.400 --> 00:58:53.360
And and just work your way to where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there.

00:58:53.519 --> 00:58:58.639
And I think again, don't let culture define that for y'all.

00:58:58.800 --> 00:59:00.000
Like, please don't do it.

00:59:00.079 --> 00:59:06.719
We've all had we've all had those moments where we've had to fight against ourselves and against what we see.

00:59:06.960 --> 00:59:16.639
Like we we've all we've all been there, and but I think you know, us sitting here today uh what can can can attest to that ain't the way to go.

00:59:16.800 --> 00:59:17.679
It don't work.

00:59:18.320 --> 00:59:29.920
Uh, and so we want to encourage you to be aligned with your values, who you are, figure it out.

00:59:30.159 --> 00:59:31.039
Figure it out, yeah.

00:59:31.119 --> 00:59:34.800
Figure it out, get aligned, and then start your journey.

00:59:35.039 --> 00:59:35.440
Yeah.

00:59:35.599 --> 00:59:37.039
And don't skip steps.

00:59:37.199 --> 00:59:38.480
Don't don't skip steps.

00:59:38.719 --> 00:59:46.239
At the end of the day, and I, you know, I say this knowing that I there are there are journeys that I know that are different.

00:59:46.400 --> 01:00:07.840
I will say, um, recently I was, I say recently, last night, I was on a panel um that was really for uh professionals to give advice to uh students who were near or close to graduation and going into their first careers.

01:00:08.079 --> 01:00:17.039
Um and they one of the questions asked was, you know, if you had, you know, what traits would you name are the most important for someone just entering into their field?

01:00:17.199 --> 01:00:21.760
And so many of us said, be teachable, be coachable, you know.

01:00:22.000 --> 01:00:36.079
And I will say that what I am noticing is that the people who go hard, and I think I actually said this last night, was that it is not the person who has the most ability that goes the furthest.

01:00:36.159 --> 01:00:42.480
It's it's not the person who's the most capable, it is the person who is the most surrendered.

01:00:43.599 --> 01:00:51.360
It is the person because that is the person ultimately who's gonna get the most out of me as a supervisor, right?

01:00:51.519 --> 01:01:01.519
If you just come in and you're like, oh, I'm good at this and I can do this, and I got this, da-da-da-da-da, and you get the job done, and I okay, thank you for doing the job.

01:01:01.679 --> 01:01:15.840
But if you come in, I had one employee who came in consistently, and you know, I met with all of my team once a week, and he came in consistently and said, This is what I'm doing, and he was doing a fabulous job.

01:01:16.000 --> 01:01:17.360
This is what I'm doing.

01:01:17.599 --> 01:01:19.199
What can I do to be better?

01:01:19.360 --> 01:01:20.960
You know, how can I go further?

01:01:21.119 --> 01:01:28.559
You know, this is then he would start saying, you know, this is what I want to do, this is where I want to go, this is what I'm hoping my next would be.

01:01:28.719 --> 01:01:34.880
You know, what do I need to start changing and thinking differently of now to get to where I'm trying to go?

01:01:35.039 --> 01:01:38.639
Not just where I am, but but where I'm hoping to be.

01:01:38.880 --> 01:01:49.519
And that brought out a different level of wisdom sharing and coaching and guiding from me that allowed me to give him more.

01:01:49.679 --> 01:01:54.400
And it wasn't because I liked him more or because I believed in him more.

01:01:54.719 --> 01:02:00.880
He was more open and had not more capability, but more capacity.

01:02:01.599 --> 01:02:10.639
And as a person in your 20s, you need to be focused on increasing your capacity and not just your capabilities.

01:02:10.880 --> 01:02:12.480
1000%, boy.

01:02:12.559 --> 01:02:15.679
That ain't that ain't the most important thing, man.

01:02:16.079 --> 01:02:22.880
Because you'll you can't move forward and grow with low capacity, you can't do it.

01:02:23.039 --> 01:02:26.880
You can't look listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

01:02:27.280 --> 01:02:28.880
You can't do it.

01:02:29.039 --> 01:02:31.199
I've tried, it's not possible.

01:02:31.599 --> 01:02:35.599
Like you won't make it, yeah, and you won't make it.

01:02:35.679 --> 01:02:39.440
And so the man, oh man, growing your capacity is everything.

01:02:39.840 --> 01:02:48.719
Grow your capacity, and oftentimes that means, and we talk about this in depth another time, but oftentimes growing your capacity means you grow your community.

01:02:49.119 --> 01:02:52.559
If your community ain't changing, your capacity will remain the same.

01:02:52.719 --> 01:02:55.119
I've I've seen it so much.

01:02:55.679 --> 01:02:59.760
You cannot hold everything yourself, you can't do it.

01:02:59.840 --> 01:03:06.159
And if you don't have the right people around you to hold things with you, it's a wrap.

01:03:06.400 --> 01:03:09.840
And you really gotta be really intentional about.

01:03:10.159 --> 01:03:14.639
I mean, listen, we want to carry everybody with us, okay?

01:03:14.880 --> 01:03:22.239
Abraham did that, he carried a lot with him, and you know, if you'd like to know more about how that story uh went, hit me hit us in the comments.

01:03:22.480 --> 01:03:23.440
Be happy to talk about it.

01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:26.719
You can go to Genesis 12 and just, you know, you can read it.

01:03:26.960 --> 01:03:28.480
Yeah, read the story of Abraham.

01:03:28.559 --> 01:03:32.159
But you know, but you you carried he carried a lot with him.

01:03:32.239 --> 01:03:34.079
I just my pastor recently said that.

01:03:34.800 --> 01:03:35.679
Oh, wee, that was good.

01:03:35.760 --> 01:03:36.800
No, it wasn't even mine.

01:03:36.880 --> 01:03:39.760
I ain't I ain't even trying to, you know.

01:03:39.920 --> 01:03:53.360
But it's we want to take everything that we've been carrying all this time, and um and we want to take everything that we've been carrying and and and keep it with us.

01:03:53.760 --> 01:04:02.880
But the community that you left or the community that that got you to one place may not be the community that gets you to the next.

01:04:03.119 --> 01:04:09.199
And I'm not telling you to drop people, but I'm telling you you need to reframe and and restructure.

01:04:09.760 --> 01:04:10.559
Reclassify.

01:04:10.880 --> 01:04:11.440
Reclassify.

01:04:11.760 --> 01:04:13.440
Reclassify, thank you.

01:04:13.679 --> 01:04:19.360
You need to reclassify how you are situating people in your ear, right?

01:04:19.679 --> 01:04:22.079
Who who's influencing you?

01:04:22.320 --> 01:04:31.039
And and take take some real looks at because the fruit of my life is ultimately what I have to share.

01:04:32.639 --> 01:04:38.079
Well, I I could be talking to you about something, but where do you see the fruit of that in my life?

01:04:38.320 --> 01:04:39.280
Yeah, that's right.

01:04:39.440 --> 01:04:43.039
Make sure, make sure you're eating from the right fruit.

01:04:44.960 --> 01:04:45.440
Amen.

01:04:46.559 --> 01:04:50.800
And I listen, I'm gonna leave that for everybody to individually judge.

01:04:51.039 --> 01:04:52.960
Do do what do do y'all do your work?

01:04:53.199 --> 01:04:55.039
But you need to you need to take inventory.

01:04:55.280 --> 01:04:57.360
You do, you have to take inventory.

01:04:57.599 --> 01:05:01.440
Um, we're starting to go down a direction we probably need to start a new podcast for.

01:05:01.840 --> 01:05:03.679
Because I can't feel that.

01:05:03.840 --> 01:05:11.599
I feel like we're moving, but I think it's relevant, and I think we probably should just do another episode on this because it's it's man, it's crazy, it's so it's so relevant.

01:05:11.679 --> 01:05:13.280
Yo, capacity is so relevant.

01:05:13.440 --> 01:05:14.239
Anyway, okay.

01:05:14.559 --> 01:05:19.199
We could take this Jill Scott quote and do like oh, we could do like a freaking series on it, y'all.

01:05:19.280 --> 01:05:19.920
It's crazy.

01:05:20.000 --> 01:05:20.400
I love it.

01:05:20.559 --> 01:05:21.039
I love it.

01:05:21.519 --> 01:05:23.119
Um, all right, y'all.

01:05:23.199 --> 01:05:24.159
I think we're done.

01:05:24.320 --> 01:05:27.039
Uh we love doing this.

01:05:27.199 --> 01:05:38.960
Thank you for rocking with us and this labor of love and for this um, if if I may say, uh, you know, 180 in in in conversation and take two.

01:05:39.280 --> 01:05:39.519
Amen.

01:05:39.920 --> 01:05:41.920
Um, oh yeah, no, this is 10 times better.

01:05:42.079 --> 01:05:42.559
No, no, no.

01:05:43.119 --> 01:05:44.559
Y'all would listen to that folks.

01:05:44.880 --> 01:05:45.440
Like, what?

01:05:45.679 --> 01:05:47.679
It's not even it's not even comparable.

01:05:47.920 --> 01:05:53.199
Um, so uh we are we're gonna we're gonna see y'all next week.

01:05:53.599 --> 01:05:59.039
Uh but until then, let's keep unlearning together so we can experience more freedom.

01:05:59.280 --> 01:06:00.559
We love Y'all.

01:06:00.880 --> 01:06:01.679
Peace.

01:06:07.039 --> 01:06:10.159
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:06:10.239 --> 01:06:14.480
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:06:14.639 --> 01:06:21.039
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:06:21.199 --> 01:06:27.519
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:06:27.760 --> 01:06:28.639
See you then.