Talk With Middle Adults: Finding and Maintaining a Healthy Community

0:05 Hello everybody and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast. I am your host, ruth Abigail aka RA, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom, and I am here with my co-host. What's up, jaquita? Hello friends, it's good to Jaquita. Hello friends, it's good to be here again. We're going to have a great ride. Yeah, we are, yeah, we are. So, for those of you that are just tuning in, this is the segment for me and Jaquita to talk about some things we've unlearned, primarily in our 20s to get us to Middle adult, middle adulting, middle adult, middle adulting, middle adulting. Okay, we have a fairly decent middle adult life and we had to unlearn some things to get there, so we want to talk about it.

0:53 How's that let's talk about it man, that's all right, let's talk about it. So we actually we met in our 20s. We're coming up on we met at 18. When I say in our 20s. No, ma'am, it's not the same. What I mean is 18. When you get old, you start equating the numbers we met in our 20s. No, ma'am, 18 and 20 are different. They're very different. No, you're not wrong. My apologies. We met when we were 18.

1:35 Wow, we met when we were 18. For 25 people that you have community, that you enjoy, that pour into you, that are life-giving, not life-sucking, and so I have an incredible community, and Quida is part of it, and so we just want to talk a little bit about what that's like and kind of how we got there, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, all the different things. So, quida, you want to tell the people how our friendship started. Yes, I would love to tell the people how our friendship started. Yes, I would love to tell the people how our friendship started. Thank you so much, ruth Abigail. Ruth Abigail, poor, she was a poor, lonely soul. That's unnecessary. College it's unnecessary.

2:16 We had to bring her out of the depths of the things that she I don't want to tell the story. I don't want you telling the story anymore. I'm not going to tell the story. I'm not going to tell the story. But anyway, ruth and I were both on the gospel choir together at Furman University, the Furman University. Go Dents alright Always always. That's why Ruth is wearing her purple and white hoodie because she loves Fur, sherman. So much, sure. But we were both on the gospel choir together and we were both really passionate freshmen on the gospel choir. We both really loved the gospel choir.

2:59 Our choir director shout out, miss Gwen, gwen. Man. Shout out Miss Gwen. Every Christmas man. Shout out Miss Gwen. Every Christmas holiday she used to invite us over. She used to make that macaroni, that red velvet cake, the yam Okay, yeah, miss Gwen was the absolute best. Anyways, ruth Abigail had kind of not talked to me much through our time at Furman, besides one chance meeting where we really had a little skedaddle about how to say her name. She was trying to convince me that her name was Ruth Abigail. I left that meeting saying I'm going to call that girl Ruth, because that was before I knew black people had double names.

3:45 But I was happy to acquiesce. But anyways, we met on gospel choir, ruth Abigail. Then, randomly, we exchanged numbers that night because we were supposed to play spades and then that never happened, long story. But Ruth Abigail then calls me randomly and I'm all excited, hold on hold on hold, on hold, on hold on. Yeah, hold on, Cause this is important. So I was out with a different group of people and they start. They said we're going to play a phone, we're going to play a game. I said, okay, cool. So they said give me your phone. I said, okay, cool. So, then you scroll through. So I. The deal is they scroll through and then they scroll through your contacts, they tell them to stop and then, whoever they call, you got to pick up the phone and try to figure out who it is without looking at your phone.

4:29 So I said, OK, cool, by the way, this is not something you can do past the age of about 21. So we, so we did it and I called. And you have to understand, I grew up in an all white high school. Most of my friends were white at the time, honestly, and I called and you have to understand, like I grew up in a uh, uh, all white high school. Most of my friends were white at the time, honestly, and I knew I mean, I had black friends and I knew who they were, but I knew this wasn't any of them and I was like I noticed somebody black on the phone, but I don't know who this is. And that just took me a minute and she was just talking and talking and I was acting like I knew who it was talking and talking and I was acting like I knew who it was and then it clicked about 30 seconds in. I said oh, it's Jaquita. And she was like oh yeah, who do you think it was talking to? So that's how it happened.

5:10 Alright. So, yeah, that is the trifling beginnings of our friendship. Ruth, abigail Prank called me didn't know it was me. I'm over here, excited to talk to her, and then she goes oh, is I'm over here, excited to talk to her, and then she goes oh, is this Jaquina? And I'm like I've been watching for 20 minutes and also I have this very distinct, beautiful voice. It shouldn't have taken me that long, but that's neither here nor there. I think, you know, ruth, honestly, it was like one of those moments, like the moment we clicked. We clicked, you know, like when we finally like figured out that we were supposed to be friends. Like it was like an immediate, like this person is supposed to ride with me, like for life.

5:52 And I think I felt like that about all of the people that we were friends with in college, like every person that we met with. You know, shout out Joy, shout out Jhane, shout out Ashley, shout out Monique. Shout out Joy, shout out Jhane, shout out Ashley, shout out Monique. You know, like everybody that we met with in those college years, that like kind of became a part of our crew. Like it was just like an instant, like connection, where you just knew that like that person was going to be one of your forever friends. And I think college gives you a really like like, just like a really like saturated season to like kind of find your people right, everybody that you meet in college is not that person, right.

6:34 Right, you do have people who are in your life for just a season. You have people who are in your life for a reason, but there are some people who are just like your forever friends, right, and college, I think, presents an opportunity to really meet those people and develop really, really deep connections because you're around them all the time. But what I'm finding with most people who are in their 20s, like right after that college season, is that they don't have that saturated environment to meet people anymore, and so it's really difficult to continue to grow in community when you're not in community with people anymore. Right, like, you're at church, you might be at church, you might be at work, you might be, you know, doing your thing, you might be traveling a lot, but college, like, we lived with each other for four years you know what I'm saying and so it was really easy to build that community and to build a really deep and lasting connection.

7:28 So one thing that I think that I have conversations with people all the time about is I don't know how to make friends now that I'm outside of this environment. And so that's something that I think is a really significant part of your growth from young adulthood to middle adulthood. And I think it's. There's something really interesting and key that I think you know is a key part of our story that we kind of gloss over. But it's important is that the reason we met is because we found a common. We met in a common because we liked a common thing, and so I didn't go to the gospel. I went to the gospel choir because I enjoyed gospel music. I didn't necessarily expect to find friends.

8:11 I mean, I think there was a little bit of that, but I wasn't there to get friends. I was there to participate in something I enjoyed. So, I think that one of the ways that in, even if you're not in an environment where community is just kind of around you. You gotta, you gotta have to spend some time figuring out what do I like, what do I enjoy, and put yourself in that environment, because you start off on common ground when you think, okay, what do I? Just what's a thing that I could do and you don't have to have friends to jump into that. No. You might find friends into it. But I will let me, I'll dig a little deeper. When we talk about community and friendship, I also think the first thing you've got to be very sure of is who you are.

8:59 You won't be able to, you won't be able to build quality friendships without first knowing who you are, having a clear understanding of your identity and what you enjoy like really digging into that with no shame, with no guilt about it, with don't judge yourself about it, be real about it, like this is what I like to do, you know and this is what I, this is who I am, and present that, and then you'll, you'll, you know, you'll, the right people will start to talk to you. Well, I also think that, like it's, it really is like present what you know about yourself now and be in a safe environment where who you are can flourish.

9:44 Right, like, I think a lot of times we are putting ourselves into bad soil and we're wondering why we don't see any fruit. It's not that there's anything wrong with you. Is that you keep putting yourself into unsafe environments and you're not going to flourish If the soil is not deep enough. Your roots cannot grow deep in that place. Right, and I think that what our friend group allowed for us to do was that there was enough depth within all of us to be able to create an environment. Like, I don't know everything about myself. I'm 30, something you know. Right, I'm a middle adult Gosh, darn it and I'm still learning more.

10:25 Don't be holding up. If anyone wants to know, you can send, send the unlearn podcast the message, let us know how much you like it and then, uh, first three people, I'll send my age. We're trying to get our likes up, all right. Like subscribe, follow, okay, but I really think that, like you know, you really have to have a safe place. Like, yes, I need to know who I am to a certain extent, but when we were 19, 20, girl know who, girl know who I am no, no, you're right, and I don't see. I'm not saying like know who you are fully, but know enough about yourself. We know enough to know. We, like gospel music know enough to like, and then go go into that place operating like, and you know like, we went in there and we were like we, you know, you know Ruth Abigail's in the alto section, I'm in the tennis section, you know we wasn't even like in the same.

11:18 You know we weren't like having conversations during gospel choir rehearsal, right, I would just see it was like at the time the gospel choir was deep too. It was, like, you know, probably like 40, 50 people on the gospel choir. I really wasn't paying her too much attention until until we both talked about, you know, other things that we like, but we both went hard, like we were there every practice. We were like you know, and then, like the very next year, both of us were on these X sophomore year and then that's when it like took off, right. But I think a lot of our and I think the other thing is, I think the thing that has also made our friendship thrive is that we had to learn to live in difference and I think that that has always been kind of like a cornerstone of who we are, just as just as friends, just as just as people growing together.

12:08 You know that it has always been, you know, ruth, and I say, like our foundational friendship scripture, you know, is, you know, iron, sharpens, ironens, iron, because we was like this all the time. But I learned how to be myself by being around somebody who didn't always think like I think or who wasn't always considering what I was considering, wasn't always considering what I was considering Right, and so there were some things that I had to grow in and become more of. But as I, as I engaged with Ruth Abigail, she was becoming stronger in who she was. But it wasn't because we were so similar is because we were so different, and it really worked in our favor.

12:53 Yeah, that's. That is crucial, and I hear this a lot in. Why it's so hard to make friends is because we have very, very low trust barriers. I'm sorry, high trust barriers, in other words it's hard to trust right, we got high walls. We got high walls, and this idea of even getting to the point to where you're able to sharpen each other takes trust, because, you know, I couldn't, I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be a better person if I didn't allow Queda to rub up against some stuff that was uncomfortable, and vice versa. And but the only way, the only way she gets to do that is we build a trust and I and, and so this is interesting.

13:42 What do you think about this? And I, I think this is gonna help. I hope this connects. But when we were in college, facebook had just taken off a few years earlier. Right, we didn't have it on our phones. We didn't have it. It was not a. I mean, I kind of cringe at my Facebook post. Oh my gosh, when Facebook memories comes up and reminds you what you were talking about in 2007. I was like oh gosh it's embarrassing. I mean the things that we put out there we thought were funny it's just like okay, that wasn't our primary way of communicating. It wasn't on our face all the time. So it's almost like we had time to build trust with a human.

14:24 Because we weren't you know, the speed of trust automatically slowed down yeah, what do you think what do you think? what do you think? Uh, would have been different for our friendship if we had had the same level of access to social media as there is today. Like, do you think it would have made a difference? Oh my gosh, Like immediately so many things come to mind Like number one, like I think social media for us now is like I go to social media to laugh, like I go to social media to be entertained and it takes up so much of my mental space. You know like, even when I'm like on the phone with people, like I'm sending memes, you know like I'm on my way to bed and I'm like hold on, I need to find at least three funny things you know before I go.

15:11 But it really does. You know we, most of our friendship, is encapsulated in these hilarious moments that nobody else would know. So there is like a real running in our mind of all of the memories that we've made together and that you know. Like you remember Fry that Chicken when we found that on YouTube. Fry that Chicken, fry that Chicken. Fry that chicken. Fry that chicken, fry that chicken. Yeah, we gonna fry that chicken. Yeah, everybody want a piece of my chicken. Okay, alright, go ahead. I got the bed. I got the bed. I'm gonna fry this chicken in my hand.

15:57 That stuff, stuff. It was like we were sitting there building the memories together. We're not going to talk about the songs we wrote while we were in college. Yeah, we did. We could have cut a record, we were going to Making songs, but I feel like we were building memories together, Whereas now I feel like, not that people aren't still building memories together, but their relationships are based around their online like lives, Like they have an online version of their friendship. Yeah, we didn't have that Like our Facebook. We really only talked to each other on Facebook during the summer and it was once a month, and so I just feel like we've lost.

16:46 I feel like this. I'm not going to say that they lost or that they're at a disadvantage, because I really hate trying to frame it like that for them I agree, but they are definitely living a very different reality where connection has to be more intentional and, I think, building community. I think that you can't negate the necessity of being in person with people you know and making sure that, like you really find time to to engage one-on-one with people and not just at parties, because I feel like you know also, I don't remember being as busy as some of these students are college students all day and they are like I got three jobs.

17:33 I'm like yo we was chilling, we were working, we went to Furman, so we were studying. Ruth Abigail was not studying. I just want to let y'all know that I don't know I ever saw her study, not one time. But we glad she made it out and everything like that. I'm here to put a business out, that's what I'm here for, but I just don't. I just think that they have to be more intentional. I think that, and I think that you know social media, you're always building an image. You know, like you are like, oh, I gotta be the flyest, oh, I gotta be the cutest, oh, I gotta be. You know, I gotta say the funniest thing, I gotta find perfect caption. You know, like you gotta be intentional about being real or you're not going to grow.

18:18 If you are still trying to live that social media life and you're trying to replicate it in your interactions with people in the daily world, you are going to miss your opportunity at building genuine connections. We are not building images out here. We are not building images out here, right, we are becoming people of purpose, people of destiny, people who have, you know, things that they are hoping to accomplish and hoping to become and hoping to produce. But social media is all about. I can like throw up a picture right now, make myself look 30 pounds lighter, okay, and make myself look real good and be sitting here eating a bag of chips, Right, you know?

18:58 I just think that it prevents people from being real with each other sometimes because they don't know how to separate it. No, and I was. I was thinking that same thing. Like we, we had, we had authentic. Like we met each other in an authentic way on a regular basis, like we met each other in an authentic way on a regular basis. There was no pretense. There was no, there was no, there was. Our world of comparison was a lot smaller. And so you know I think that also helps you to accept people in a different way, you know. And so, yeah, I think I think all those factors matter, but that doesn't it doesn't mean to say that we can't have genuine relationships.

19:42 Now, like you said, it takes intentionality, it's a little tougher, and I think it's so much more crucial and this isn't something we don't know, but we know how badly COVID affected people when it comes to community, and it just busted wide open this desperate need for humans and for connection. And so I think it's a great time and it's a right time it still is to begin to pursue that, because there are more people out there that are itching for it in the same way. You are Right.

20:22 Like this is not. It's not. It's not just you. You're not alone. People need that connection and need that community, and I do think that social media can help begin that. I think the issue is it doesn't stay there. If it stays there, like you were saying, that barrier is a lot thicker. when it comes to an authentic relationship, it's very hard to do that and also you know you learn this, I think, as you get older. But the truth of the matter is very few things are actually gratifying that aren't hard.

21:03 I mean the things that are that actually take the work, take your, you know, blood, sweat, tears, for all intents and purposes, sweat and tears, for all intents and purposes and like just really push you right beyond what you feel like your current capacity is or it challenges you. Those are the things you should you you really learn to cherish. You really do, and so real life friendships are worth the time. They're worth taking the time and I'll also say, because I don't want to present, like you know, like an image that our friendship was always perfect, Like it took, like when I say there was like a butting of heads, like it took.

21:48 There were times where it was. Are we still? We about a year. For about a year, I didn't know if we were gonna make it. Yeah, and this was in college you know, like this was in college, like I was like I don't, I don't know that we're gonna make it, but you know what always kind of brought us back to it was I was like this what we have like the potential of who this person is in my life, and you get to a point where one you miss your friend. And you also get to a point where you realize I was better. I was better when I trusted. I was better when I was open.

22:28 I was better when I was vulnerable, like there's something that this relationship does for me that I can't do for myself, and I think that that's everybody. And I think that that's what we realized in COVID, because there were probably some people at work that you may not have liked as much, but when you were sitting at home by yourself for four months, you was like you know what? I was better with Susie. You know I was better. I was better with the people that I, that I liked and the people I didn't like. Right, because there was there was growth in community, there was strength in community, there was new, there were new ideas. There was new. You know, it was a regenerative place to be, because it was something that was always renewing on the inside of you, that you just don't get from being alone.

23:22 And I think that you know we've talked about, like you know, a lot of ways that people can continue to build community, because I know that a lot of people, especially as you're growing in life, you're becoming more successful Are you just finding yourself in a different space in life? Like, I want to make sure that, like you know like how to settle yourself one, settle yourself in knowing yourself and being good with you and liking you Right, because I think that that's like one of the first barriers. It's not that just, it's not just that people don't know themselves, it's that sometimes people don't like themselves and I want you to like spend time loving you, like liking you, and that, for me, happened at 28. Like at 28,. 28 was the age I tell everybody.

24:02 I started saying you know you, that girl, and you have to be able to tell yourself that, because when you walk in the room, you need to know what value you add and allowing yourself to be open to the connections that can happen. And you know, I know a lot of people use, like different apps. You know they use meetup apps. You know, like you and I found each other. You know, from gospel choir because we had that interest. I still have gospel interests. I still like going to gospel choir concerts. I still like going to. You know, getting involved with the gospel choirs at the schools that I work with. You know like go to these things that you enjoy doing and connect with people while you're in those spaces.

24:44 I think that social media can be used to find community and to find. You know, if you like to run, if you like to play soccer, if you like to play basketball, join a league. You know like one, an adult league. Like get somewhere where you are actively being your best self and allow people to find you in your best place. And don't. I think it's. It's important joining those things. You won't get the fullness out of it if you're not willing to put your guard down and begin to trust right, begin to allow yourself to trust. And I also think that when doing those things, don't expect things to just flip overnight.

25:28 I think again that social media culture has trained our brains that things happen fast and things happen quickly and it may not, so the consistency around that is important, you know. Don't just go once or twice, be like I don't like these people you don't know, like you know. Hold on, because I gotta say something for all my discerning people out there that's true everybody. Trust your gut, like when something you know. And trust your gut both ways, right. Like, sometimes people know I know real quick who I'm supposed to be with. Like, I know real quick, like, who rolls with me, who matches me, who can I be vulnerable with?

26:09 I do a weight test, right, when I get with new people. I got a two-pound weight. I'm going to give you two pounds of information about weight. I'm going to give you two pounds of information about me. I'm going to give you two pounds of Jaquita and I'm going to see how you hold it If I put two pounds on you and it falls through. Hey, baby, we ain't even got to worry about this trust. Like, I couldn't trust you with two. I'm not about to give you 10, right, but you got to start. You got to go out and test people out and sometimes you ain't really got to test out too long to know, to know this. Ain't it for me? Right, but don't I'm not saying go out there because trust is dangerous. Right, you're taking a risk. We want you to take educated risks, you know, like, find people who match your interests, who match your values.

26:52 You know, me and Ruth Abigail are two incredibly different people. I mean I'm on here in a full regalia with makeup on and Ruth Abigail on the screen in a hoodie. You know like we are two extremely different people but our values are aligned. We love people, we love community, we love building up young people, we love pouring into people, we love seeing the people around us win. Right. When you the way that I connect the people, it's always through my values first and it starts. I get introduced to them by my interests, but I get connected to them by my values and I think that that's important, that you know what it is that you value.

27:36 Right. If you are a person that values financial wellness, you want to see people prosper. You know whatever it is. You know you want to see people be safe right. You know you want to see people be mentally well. You want to. Whatever it is, whatever your values are right, your interest will get you in the door, but your values are what create those lifelong get you in the door. But your values are what create those lifelong friendships. And when it came to the hard times in our friendships, where we were realizing and really all of the hard times in our friendships were because our differences were trying to get the best of us right, like we were struggling with where we disagreed, and all of those hard times were met with.

28:19 When I stepped back and I looked at it, god was teaching me something about number one who she was as a person and who I needed to be, to be, to continue to be a friend. And I became a better friend because I learned to overcome that difference. But you got to get. You got to give people a try, yeah, but you got to get. You got to give people a try. Yeah, yeah, I agree, you got to give people a try and that values piece is really, man, that's crucial. There is a, there's a, there's tons of exercises you can go to and I've done them. Sometimes it's hard to figure out your values. It's just hard to do that Like. I've taken a couple of X, I've done a couple of exercises, some groups, some individual, there's some out there online that can help just narrow down.

29:04 First of all, what is even a value? How do I even define that? What are the things that are deep to you, that are core to who you are, and that's not going to be the same for everybody to who you are, and that's not going to be the same for everybody. And this is for people, my people of faith Even if you have the same faith, your values could still be very different. So you have to be very clear on that. And, like Queda said, just because y'all have the same belief system doesn't mean y'all need to be trusting each other, because that automatically may not be, may not need to be best friends. You know you may not need to be best friends. You may not need to be best friends. You may not need to just. I get that, but you know, sometimes you just got to still give it out like that two pounds ten pounds.

29:45 Discern it Because you don't know both for real, you really don't. So I think I agree with that. And trust doesn't come cheap, doesn't come cheap. And trust doesn't come cheap, doesn't come cheap, and it goes both ways Right. So if you want to have trust. You've got to be trustworthy Right. So it's not, it's not just about the other person, it's about you. You got to get one Right, and so I think that that's that's that's crucial, that that's crucial. Let's be open, right, let's be discerning and let's mirror what we want so that we can attract the same thing.

30:26 I was going to say that in a much more churchy way. Oh God. When you said, let's mirror what I was going to say let what you're trying to find be found in you. When you said, let's mirror, oh man, let what you're trying to find be found in you wow, wow, very good, very good, very good. Yeah, that was yeah. No, you win on the churchy amen, let it be found, let it be found, let it be found. Okay, I genuinely, I really believe that it is possible to have great community. I think you have to work for it, I think you have to be intentional with it, I think you have to present who you truly are to the environment.

31:14 Healthy environments and I just want to challenge everybody because you're not going to the truth of the environment healthy environments and I just want to challenge everybody because you're not going to the truth of the matter is you're just not going to grow to the level you want to without community. You're not going to be able to do it by yourself. This culture today makes you think you got it. You can do it by yourself. I just need to do this, these, you know, six steps, and I just need to go forward these, you know six steps and actually to go forward. It's not going to work, it's not gonna work. So you know, I just want to encourage you. We want to encourage you, man, go, go and go and work on that, like go and work on it, uh. So yeah, you know, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince, prince.

31:55 Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince, Anyway, anyway, Ben thank y'all so much again for joining us on the Unlearned Podcast. We will see y'all next week and we're done, guys. Keep on learning together so that we can experience more freedom. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

32:38 Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.