Talks With Middle Adults: How to Keep Your Self Care Habits From Destroying Your Life

0:06 hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast. I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra and I'm your co-host friends. You can call me jacquita and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom, and this particular segment is the podcast that is helping younger leaders to change their mind so that you can experience more freedom in your life, and so keep tuning in to this segment. We drop it on Tuesdays along with all the other segments that we're doing. Freedom Fridays we'll do our series, but make sure to like, share, subscribe, comment with all the other segments that we're doing. We still have Freedom Fridays We'll do our series, but make sure to like, share, subscribe, comment all the things so that we can engage and continue to unlearn together.

0:52 So, yeah, what's up, queda? How's your week? How's your week? How was your week? Thank you for asking. You seem really invested. My week was good, you good. You know I have let me tell you something. So we're supposed to be transparent on here, right? Yeah, okay, cool, because I want to talk to the people. Uh, I have been unlearning some things about my finances at my big middle adult age. We are unlearning the things you know and I think that you know Ruth Abigail who, by the way, friends, if you need someone who's going to make you feel really just, you know great about your budgeting habits.

1:41 I mean you know dismal and sad. Great, I mean you know dismal and sad. Please. He's here for to take care of myself and what it means to like be a self-sufficient person Not that I'm not self-sufficient, but the ways that I'm investing money and investing time, like I've just been unlearning some things about that. So this week has been full of that.

2:23 It's been full of kind of making sure that I'm creating a future for myself. That doesn't include kind of just a very narrow understanding of what it means to take care of myself. So there's some transparency for everyone about that particular uh version of unlearning, because I think that is maness. Yeah, talk more about that. Give us, if you don't mind, a little a little deeper. Look the life of jaquita, shall we? You know? I think you know I was talking with someone the other day and I was.

3:06 I was telling them, you know, for the life of a, of a middle, middle adult woman, all right, no need again the life of a middle adult woman and how we are just kind of set to take care of a lot of things and a lot of times you kind of see your friends, you know, taking trips and getting their hair and nails done all the time and buying name brand bags and shoes and clothes and you know, just out here living life. You know, and you're looking at that and you're thinking to yourself I too am a middle adult and I too should be doing those things.

3:52 But you, dear heart, chose higher education as a career path. You know. You, ma'am, chose the service industry you ma'am chose the service industry. You know you, ma'am, chose the nonprofit government agency. Like it makes me think of. You know, like, when I think about like how you know I have my higher ed salary, but you know, I'm always looking. When you start looking at Instagram and stuff, I hear that Parks and Rec phrase in the back of my mind going. I kept cheating myself.

4:32 I had a hard week. I was out here running events and programs all night. You know what? Yes, I do want my nails done. Yes, I do want my hair done. Yes, I do want to take a little mini trip. And it wasn't that I couldn't afford. It is that I wasn't balancing my budget or balancing the way I looked at money in a way that was adjusting with the lifestyle that I was moving into. And so I just, you kind of like, get to a point where you kind of hit like a stopping point and you're like, oh them, treat yourselves. While they felt good in the moment, they don't feel good when you have it properly planned for them.

5:14 You know you're in that spontaneous moment of I just need something. You know I just need. I need something that's going to make me feel better, that's going to make me feel like I got something, I need, something, I want, but the treat yourself. It felt better in the moment, but you didn't plan for it, and so I think that we have to be more intentional about that. So, and I think that you know, I think that sometimes the way younger people are young leaders, the way our friends are young leader friends because we love y'all but the way y'all spend money scares me, scares me. Get off the Amazon, get off the Timu, get off the Tien, get off the Fashion Nova.

6:00 Why are y'all taking so many trips? How y'all going to all these concerts and festivals? I remember specifically Ruth Abigail. There is a specific memory that is ingrained in my brain and I think you know where I might be going of me and you and we were sitting in the middle of the room. It was like freshman or sophomore year and we were brokity, broke, broke, broke. We looked at each other and we was like all right, you call your mama, I'm going to call her, let's see if Jacqueline and Juanita will let the Lord use them. And we like retreated to our separate corners and was like, hey, mama, I just wanted to reach out.

6:44 I ain't know. You put on your low down voice, I didn't know it. Just a little, just a little extra mama, just to slide my way, man, look, look, now you ain't, and not just, we didn't just do that. No, okay, all right, I'm gonna take us back a couple of years after that. What was the summertime junior, after our junior year? We all had summer jobs that summer, my Lord and my God. And there was a moment we were all broke, all of us, and there was a moment we looked no, literally we looked in the fridge or somewhere we was for food, and there was not there was nothing couldn't find no time and we, luckily, were going to church that night and we said, lord, if you see your children at all, if you could just put it on somebody's heart to feed us today and Lord, honest to God, we went to the church and that particular day we didn't know it but they had baked potatoes in the back bruh.

8:10 We were sponsored. I remember my pastor looked us lovingly in the eye and said give those babies a potato. And I remember tears forming in the corner. I will never y'all people wonder why I came back after graduating Vanderbilt. I came back to South Carolina because it's that type of love, okay, it's that type of care, all right. When she looked and said, give them babies a potato, I and I remember Ruth Abigail to this day. Every time I bake a potato I them babies a potato and I remember Ruth Abigail to this day. Every time I bake a potato I think about that moment. I, just a couple of weeks ago, I bought a bag of potatoes and I got the cleaning them and I was like, oh, I remember how clean those potatoes were and I remember how, when we cut into them, the steam came inside and they had a.

9:02 They had a vast array of toppings, nourished, fed taken care of. Let me tell you something these are not days that either one of us want to repeat. And, um, you got to do a little something to make sure you don't get back there now. When we was in college, you know I'm saying I mean that's, you know we were in college. You know what I'm saying. I mean that's, you know we were in college, we really were, we was, and I think you know, I know, for me, it's like I don't want to go back home. I want to feel like an adult. You know, I want to be out here, you know, and it was a good experience. We had each other, thank God, we had a community. But, see, out, talk about it.

9:46 We, we, we're not doing that, you know we're not doing that. We're not out here experimenting with, with, with light. We ain't doing that because, see, there are actual things we can do. And got a mortgage. Yeah, man, we got mortgages. We got real bills. You know, I'm saying and some of y'all, some of y'all, get these things earlier than we did. Some of y'all, I didn't get those until I graduated college. Some of y'all ain't going to college, which is, which is, I think, amazing. Go out there, do your thing, but you getting this stuff at 18, 19. We didn't get these things until 23, 24. So you getting these a lot earlier and so, and some of y'all even having to start doing this while you in the house you know what I'm saying, for for whatever reason. So there's just a reality to kill, unlearning this treat yourself mentality until you have the funds to treat yourself like real talk, like we have to start getting creative with how we take care of ourselves and not, uh, not just watching, uh, instagram and our other friends who may have different statuses and economic statuses.

10:48 Let's just keep it real in our life. No, no, no, no, no. Some of them are lying, amen. Well, let's talk about that. Some of them are just as broke as you. You ain't lying, no, and they're putting on an image that you're buying into. And what you said earlier. You asked the question where are they getting all these Two words credit cards? The truth of the matter is, man, credit cards are rolling and people are putting their self-care on credit. Now that sounds like, oh yeah, I need it, but again, we have been both of us. I've been in that position. For case in point, we were just talking about this the other day, me and Quita and another friend of ours, ashley.

11:32 What's up, ashley? Shout out to Ashley Ashley, what's up we? I don't remember Quita, what was this? We were you were still in Red Bull. I was in Red Bull. We were in Red Bull, I was in Vanderbilt. You were at Vanderbilt, 2011. Yeah, about 2011,. Right, and so me and Ashley were in Memphis and we all met up to go. This was when Groupon was real big. We found a Groupon for a couple night stay in Kissimmee, florida. Now we're coming from Tennessee. This is about a 13-hour drive. Okay, so the three of us meet up in Nashville, we drive down to Florida, for we stayed in Florida for like 36 hours, if we're being honest, and so like, and so we drove down to Florida, we came back and when I got back okay, and I they can attest to this I had an actual panic, a whole panic moment, because my account dry as a bag of bones.

12:34 It was nothing there. Now, I was at the point to where I was. I was absolutely, uh, well, I was, I was on my own right. We're living with. I was living with Ashley paying bills and I had a car payment, I had a student loan payment and I, like I, I worked in the nonprofit industry and at that particular time and I'll just be real about it I was making less than thirty thousand dollars a year. Ok, and man, that was. I needed self-care because I work with these kids. I needed more self-care than some of y'all did, because these kids they'll drive you crazy. Because these kids they'll drive you crazy and I was like I need to get away.

13:17 We need to get away and do this thing and go enjoy ourselves and be adults. Man, you can't be that man. My bank account because your bank account is not a respective person. They don't care how much you don't care about your self-care. She deserved that. You know she don't care about that. Your bank account don't care about your self-care. She deserved that, you know she don't care about that, your bank account don't care about your self-care. And so you gotta you what I had to do in that moment. I had to ask for help and my initial decision was to move back home Because I was like I can't, I can't, I can't manage this. But God, so put it on the heart of my friend to say I'm gonna help you out.

13:59 So she helped me out, and in that moment I had to make a decision to say I'm going to forego some of these other things that I know will feel good right now, that I probably need for my own sanity, but I'm going to wait until I can actually, until it doesn't become a burden but it can actually remain a blessing. And sometimes you have to. You have to get creative in a season to say, all right, what is my self-care going to look like? What is taking care of myself going to look like? That might be different than other people, until I get to the place, to where I want to do the things that I might be able to see, and anybody can do anything for a short amount of time Like that.

14:42 This is, this is seasonal. This is not saying I remember Ashley was saying hey, it's okay for you to go to the movies. It's $10. And I said I can't go. I can't go. I got pay off debt. I ain't going to movies, I'm not eating out. I got these little microwavable things I was eating for lunch or dinner. I went a little extreme. I went a little extreme. I was about to say, wait a minute, it was a lot. It was a lot, but the point was I had to make some choices. You can eat real food. You can't be at microwave dinners. That experience for you, going to Orlando, was difficult and it was stressful, but it definitely changed your life.

15:25 It was the experience that spurred, that pushed you toward the level of discipline, the level of awareness, the level of intentionality that you needed to be at Right. And so I think that sometimes it is really just you gotta, you gotta hit a wall and the wall will come. You know, I think our thing is is that when you hit the wall, what have you listened to? What do you remember that we told you, that you know for you, you remember them. Dave Ramsey things. Real talk. Now do you speak truth? Because it's like I had to have something to go back to and because I I had done the Dave Ramsey thing years before.

16:08 I had. I hadn't followed the principles, obviously, but I I had it as a tool and so I think you're right. I think it as a tool, and so I think you're right. I think it's like, hey, sometimes the best, one of the best things we can do is gather the tools and don't trip, don't beat yourself up because you don't use them today but you have them. So when you hit the wall because you're all going to hit the wall, we all do, whether it's a wall you see coming or a wall you don't see coming, right, you have tools in your tool belt to do something, to do something about it and you're not just you're not just out here afraid and and you know, you know I was gonna say naked and afraid, but anyway, I don't know why that no and I you metaphorically, anyway, don't understand it all.

16:57 Holiness is right. Holiness is still right. Don't be naked, don't be afraid either, because that's not of God either. So we're not naked nor afraid. All right, we are clothed and trusting, clothed and faithful. Okay, amen, hallelujah. But you'm thinking through it and I'm realizing that, even in the way that our friendship works, there have been times where we have both tried to push each other to be better at something, something you know that like, you know, like are we, are we okay?

17:38 I'm just going to say, you know, like I, for years, was like Ruth Abigail do, do this makeup thing, wear these clothes, do this dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Like there is something that I was trying to like push that you needed to do at that moment. Right, there have been 10 million things that Ruth Abigail has tried to push on me. Okay, like you know, like my, we are different in almost every sense of the word, and so there has always been like this balance of I see something in you that you're gonna need for later. You're not gonna need it, right? I didn't, but we didn't know at the time that you didn't need it right now. Right, but I knew that I was like man if she gets this, then she'll be golden.

18:19 You were like, if Jaquita got this list of things you see, I had like one or two for Ruth Ruth Abigail had a list for me Jaquita gets this list of things together, man, she could stop, stop, stop. Thank you, I got it. She could really be Right. She could really, she could really be, you know, be somebody. She could really go somewhere, right, but we both had to walk our own journeys and they look very different. But our friendship and our, our ability to hear each other in the times that we needed to, in the times where we hit that wall in our life in different areas, right, because it's not just financial, sometimes it's mental, right.

18:59 Sometimes you really hit a point where you need to see yourself differently, right, where you've been focusing too much on one area of your life or you've been focusing too much on who you think you should be, and you come to a stopping place. You are going to come to a place in your life where you feel like you have gotten stuck and the thing is, is, what are you going to reach back to in that place and remember, hey, you should have people around you. I mean, I think we've talked about this before right, you need to have people around you who are constantly speaking into you and telling you this is what you need, this is what you need, this people around you who are constantly speaking into you and telling you this is what you need, this is what you need, this is what you need, and when you're ready, you pick it up, pick it up and move.

19:42 Like, pick it up and go yeah, pick it up, but don't. If I could, if I could give any piece of advice, just one little thing from a middle adult pay attention. Pay attention when people are pouring into you. You may not be ready to move on that thing, but file it away, write it down. If somebody says something, save the video. If you're watching something on YouTube or Instagram, put it in the notes in your phone because you're going to need it. I spent seven years teaching college skills courses and I was teaching this stuff. I was teaching time management. I was teaching learning styles. I was teaching time management. I was teaching learning styles. I was teaching study skills, and it wasn't until years later that students would come back and they'd be like I was only half paying attention when you were teaching, but all of that stuff came back up Right, and you have to be really, really intentional about maybe I'm maybe I can't use this right now, but I need it for later.

20:37 Yeah, no, I was in a classroom with a teacher colleague the other day and we were having a conversation about collaborating on a program that we're doing and he teaches high school and so they were doing some independent work and during it we just got to talking about kind of just really this topic. Right, his class is starting a podcast and he was just talking about how you know, it was a podcast that wanted to pour into young leaders really and just them interviewing people who are at stages above them and then getting gyms and all this stuff. Anyway, he said, you know, he told me we were kind of in the front of the class, we were having our own conversation, they were doing work, and he was saying to me he was like you know, normally I tell the class to key in during these moments, because when I'm talking to somebody because we're dropping gyms.

21:31 But he said I didn't do that because I wanted to see who would be paying attention and he said, uh and? and so he pointed out he was like he paying attention, she paying attention, I know she paying attention. And then the one that he was pointed to was some the she that he was talking to she had. She said, yeah, I sure am. That's why I got one earbud in and one out and she was like I've been, I've been listening, and so we ended up talking. She's a junior in high school and, uh, she's gonna be the one, she's one of the ones who's actually putting together this podcast that they're doing, and it was. It was so, so enriching just to have a brief conversation with her, because her mindset is I want to get it, I want to get it, I want to get it, I'm listening, right, and that is such a it's such a rare thing and I think that you know for, for people like her and for you know if, if that's you, if you were that person that you knew, stood out.

22:31 I think the hard thing about this, about doing the things that are difficult is feeling like you are by yourself, because there's going to be a period of time where you are by yourself Because there aren't going to be a lot of people who are committed to doing this thing in a healthy way. Most people around you are going to be doing self-care in toxicity. They're going to be doing self-care with in in toxicity. They're going to be doing self-care putting putting stuff on a credit card, going trips. They can't afford buying things they don't need. Uh, you know, yeah, yeah, you know. I'm saying like you're going to do that, binging out and and and ignoring people for days. You're gonna do that like that's where and then and that's the, that's, that's the.

23:14 You know. Uh, that's the, that's, that's the. You know. That's the best side of it. The worst side of it could be, you know, addictions and and and real serious issues that we that start off as self-care, Right, but they turn into addictions and things that are harmful. Retail therapy Retail therapy, right and now you broke addiction. You have your shopping addiction right, uh, straight up now, and I do this, but it's the truth like drinking socially can turn into if you do it for the wrong reasons can turn into an addiction and you don't realize it because you're really just trying to escape, right, binge watching can turn into an addiction and you got to be careful about that.

24:03 And so I think we, one of the ways that we can help ourselves do this thing right is don't do it by yourself, don't do it alone. Always be on the lookout for people who think like you. Be on the lookout for them. You're not always going to have them right there. That's just the reality. I wish I could say that you go, get into this world and you're going to find your people immediately. You won't. It won't be an immediate thing, unfortunately, like that's. That's unfortunate. But put your like like, put yourself in positions, put yourself in spaces where people do think like you, and don't do self-care by yourself, because it really can turn into something.

24:46 That can be not a blessing that it should be but it can turn into a burden and, at worst, it can turn into an addiction. And we don't want that right. We don't want that, and so I would say that, doing it in the context of community, as I would say, most things, doing most things in the context of community, you don't have to have best friends. You know, I get it, a lot of folk got it. I mean, I ain't no new friends, I don't trust people, I get it. You might be in that space, but you don't have to. The community you find doesn't have to be people that are, you know, your tightest, closest friends. It could just be a community of like-mindedness.

25:27 It could be a virtual community, it could be that, you know. It could be within the context If you're in school, a club, it could be in the context If you, if you have a job, a professional community right, just somewhere where you're not by yourself, where you can get connected to people in ways that can eventually maybe turn into something. But if it doesn't, you at least have people that you're dealing with on your level right, and you might have to go out and find that or it might be presented to you. If it's presented to you, take it like, take the opportunity to do that. I think that's something that's important to consider is that you can't do self-care right. If you're not practicing self-awareness, like if you are not really getting to know you and getting to know what you really need, then you will not be able to properly budget what you need for self-care right.

26:20 For me, like when I am stressed, I do need, I need time away to gain perspective so that I can look, look at things as they really are and not through the lens of my stress or my discomfort or that sense of urgency, because that sense of urgency is distorting the way that you are seeing yourself, the way that you are seeing others, the way that you're seeing the situation. That sense of urgency has created little wavy lines, like your vision is shaking with anxiety and with, with the, with the stress of that situation. You need to be able, you need to know. You know some people are able to, in that moment, like clarity hits them and they're able to boom, boom, boom, boom.

27:01 You know some people are able to, in that moment, like clarity hits them and they're able to boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. This is what we're going to do. This is what we're going to do. This is what we're going to do, right, you need to know that about yourself, though, right, I think really gaining like just that level of emotional and relational intelligence to know this is how I react in a stressful situation, this is how I, um, this is how I kind of take in stress and this is how I need an outlet, right, right. And then like building things that are working in relationship and in that are coordinated with your life, right, right. So if I know that for me, if I'm stressed, I'm not going to see stuff correctly and I need to be able to take a step back in order to gain real perspective, then I can budget time to do that.

27:50 That's appropriate, right. And self-care for the sake of getting back in the game right, I'm not going to the bench because I'm done with the game. I'm going to the bench so that I can rest in order, so that I can be a better player when I get back out on the court, Right? I think sometimes we get caught into self-care for the sake of self-care. Self-care because I think I deserve it, or self-care because everybody should be able to take trips and rest and, you know, spend all their money and spend all their time doing these things, but you can really be intentional about using self-care as a means to like a pit stop, to be able to go into a pit stop and have those accountability partners around you who are saying, hey, your tires need to be changed.

28:40 Hey, we need to gas you up. Hey, you need to da da, da, da da, but you're ready, you're trying to get back in the race. Okay, right, thinking about it as like having those accountability partners around you that are looking at you as you're coming into that pit stop and saying, hey, your tires are a little worn out, let's get those changed. Hey, you know, your gas is a little low, let me gas you up real quick, friend. Hey, your battery's not working like it needs to be. We're going to replace that. Right, but it's self-care for the sake of getting back in the race. You still got a race to win. You still got a race to run. Right, the pit stop is not the destination, and a lot of times we are making the.

29:25 I got all the money in the bank, I can take all the trips I want to take, I can go out and do this, I can go out and do that, I can get my nails done, hair done, everything done, done right. I can look a certain way and I can present a certain way, present a certain way. We're making that the goal when that's the pit stop. That was never the goal. The goal was for you to have impact and influence. The goal was for you to finish the race right. The goal was for you to create something, to do something, to become something. The goal was never for you to have everything right. And I think that when we ground ourselves in purpose, accountability, partners come right, because purpose always finds partners. Purpose always finds buy-in, purpose always finds people who want to invest into something that's going to, because purpose is something that gives more than it takes.

30:17 So of course, everyone is going to want to plug into purpose. But when you're putting it out there that all you're concerned about is being able to have money, have wealth, do blah, blah, blah. People don't connect to that because that's for you, that's not for anybody else. So get grounded to where you are making purpose statements and where you are living your life to become and pressing toward the mark of the higher calling, if you would, in Christ Jesus, philippians 3. Right, getting to a point where you are pressing, you're pressing towards something that's greater than yourself, I think will give you a better understanding of how to fit self-care into your life.

31:08 So I think you what you said to kind of lean into that principle, which I a hundred percent agree with that being self-aware. You cannot know where you're going if you have not been honest about where you are and honest about where you are. So I think you got to get real with where am I when it comes to my finances? Where am I when it comes to my time? Where am I when it comes to my community? Where am I when it comes to my mindset around my purpose and my future? Where am I really? And don't front about it, Be honest, because you can't get to, you can't even start that journey If you don't know, if you can't clearly identify what are my actual challenges, what are my actual weaknesses?

31:53 What do I really believe that I don't want other people to know? I believe either about them or myself, or about life. What is what? Is that really Right? And when you can get there, then there's a real you. You actually have a starting spot. You, you don't, you don't know, you have no idea how to start. This is really. I mean, as we're talking, it's like man, this is heavy, this could be heavy stuff, because we're this idea of self-care is is so at the surface it's a treat yourself mentality, but when you dig down deeper it's a what do I really believe about my self-mentality? Like, what do I really believe about me?

32:36 Because that's where your energy is going to go. When it comes to your self-care and to your your point. It's not a pit stop. Like self-care is not the point. The point of your life isn't to just indulge, Like that's not the point of life. But that's what we see so often and that's the kind of life that we, for some of us, might envision for yourself. But if you stop there, you'll miss. Envisioned for yourself. But if you stop there, you'll miss you. If you stop there, you'll, you'll. If you stop there in your mind, you'll get there, realize you missed it, you missed it. You can hit. You hear those stories all the time. Don't be that person. Don't be that person that misses it because you went for the wrong thing.

33:16 Self-care is a pit stop for the bigger purpose and you got up. But identifying that, but identifying that could take years and I don't want you. I mean, we're still on that journey. I definitely know I'm still on that journey, and so that could take years. But again, take these nuggets, put them in your tool belt and know where you're at, be honest about where you are, like, like, and write it down. Tell somebody you trust. If there's people in your life you trust. If there's nobody in your life you trust, tell God, and if you're not sure about the God thing, tell the air.

33:56 Okay, say it out loud, that's okay. All right, see, the preacher got mad at me, but it's fine. And I did, but I think there is a God and he loves you and cares. Amen, amen, amen. Yes, he does, and so, but in all seriousness, just say it out loud, be real about it, don't just keep it in your head. Make it real so that you can move forward and so that you can say OK, what do I really need to do, like how, how have I been using self-care and how can I improve on it? Write it down If it needs to get out of your head. Write it down so that you can see it. Write it so you can see it and then speak it so that you can make it a reality see it and then speak it so that you can make it a reality.

34:47 Well, I think we'll end there. Okay, this has been another edition of the unlearned podcast and we hope that this helped you, and we are going to keep unlearning together so that we and you can experience more freedom in this life. And we're going to see y'all. This was a lot, so we just going to end it. We're going to see y'all next week, so stay tuned. Like subscribe share Like, subscribe share and we'll see y'all later, All right. Peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

35:33 We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.