Free Game From Jill Scott!

Welcome And The Big Quote

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast. I am your host with Abby Gill, a K-A-R-A. What up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita. And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom. It's just gonna be a regular thing. Because I pause, and that usually is what comes after the pause. And I don't think I'm gonna keep pausing. You know, I think I'm gonna just go right into it so it doesn't give you the opportunity to no. I'm gonna do it anyway. Okay. I'm gonna do it anyway.

SPEAKER_04 0:37

You're gonna be talking and I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna get in there, okay? Because that's what I feel like I need to do.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

This is what I know. This is why my plan will never work. All right, guys, we're gonna get right into it. Um today we we talked about this concept um on other um on a previous episode, which I I I I think it was the episode we talked about the soft life. Soft life, yeah. So we brought this up. We talked about it on the last one. So uh, but and and it's we talked about it so much because I think it really resonates, and I think it's a really good, a great concept, and it feels very real right now. So uh for those of you who know Jill Scott, some of you may not know her. If you don't, you need to know her. Um, incredible Jilly from Philly, Jilly from Philly, incredible vocalist, incredible um actress, just all around entertainment mogul. Oh my marriage.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

One of her most iconic lines.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Okay, it's the truth. Uh so so we're we're gonna talk about uh a quote she gave on an interview a while back. Some of you probably have already heard it. It's been a minute, but um, she talks about just how she has viewed the decades of her life. I think she's in her 50s now. Is she in her 50s? Oh, I think so. I think she's in her 50s.

Jill Scott’s Decades Of Work

SPEAKER_04 2:04

Late 40s, early 50s, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Yeah, yeah, I think she's yeah. So um so this is this is here's here here it is, right? For those of you who haven't heard it, she says this each uh each decade is like a um it it uh categorizes how you work um in order to get you to a to the place where you want to be later in your life. Okay. So you work hard in your 20s, is what she says. Uh-huh. You work smart in your 30s, you work how you want to in your 40s, you work when you want to in your 50s, uh-huh. And you work if you want to in your 60s. If you want to. If you want to. In your 60s. And when I first heard that, I don't know about you, Queen, I was like, yo, like I that resonates so deeply because I feel like that's that's as accurate of a description as I've heard in a long time. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 2:59

Yeah, I think that for me, it it as we are kind of, we're, you know, right now we're kind of on this brink, right? We're on this brink between one decade and the other. It don't matter which one it is that we on the brink of, okay? We're middle adults, right? And I think it really helped me to reflect back, especially on the 20s and the 30s, because the 20s was a confusing time for me. I remember when I was about to turn 30, I was elated. I was like, get me up out the ghetto of the 20s, okay? Release me. I was not, I did not mourn. I did not feel sad. I was utterly excited at the idea of no longer being in my 20s. And now that I'm on this other brink, you know, I'm like, I don't know quite how to feel about this transition. I don't feel sad about it, but I'm also like, huh, you know, what what I can already feel my mindset, my body, and kind of my expectations shifting. Um, but when I look back on the 20s, for me, it was like, dang, I could have done the 20s better. Could could have dose 20s better, but I think I did what I was supposed to do in my 30s. So it really caused me to reflect.

Working Hard In Your Twenties

SPEAKER_00 4:18

So, all right, so let's talk about each one. Um, and let's just kind of break down how it how it looked for us. Like you said, you could have done your 20s better. So I I actually think I did this in my 20s. I think I went pretty hard, pretty crazy in my 20s around this working hard thing. Like, I uh to the point where I look back and it's like, I don't even know if I should have done all that I did. Like I it just felt like a lot. Um, and it and I ended up going through a burnout process in that time. It's like I I just had to drop everything at some point. But you know, I was doing um, I mean, I had when I first got to, I was in, I was started off in Houston, got to Memphis, ended up having at the peak probably four different streams of revenue coming in through work. It wasn't no passive, nothing. Um you know, in Memphis, and I'm doing all this stuff, I'm paying off debt. I'm I my church, I'm all involved, I'm leading in two or three different capacities. I'm you know, I'm at the I'm in the choir, I'm I'm doing all of this stuff, man. And it's like, golly, like I was tired. Yeah, and um, and I I I crashed towards the end of that, like towards the end of my 20s. I definitely crashed. I said, yo, I gotta drop most of the stuff I dropped was at church, which you know, I don't know how that makes people feel, but it is well, like I just had to stop doing stuff. I should drop the lawn. I still was going, I was still there, but I wasn't doing nothing.

SPEAKER_04 5:50

And so listen, I'm gonna show up, but I ain't gonna be able to contribute.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

I can't, I can't, I can't give you nothing else. And so, like, I feel like that was something, but you said you feel like you didn't maximize that. Like, what how did that what did it not look like?

SPEAKER_04 6:04

For me, so here's the thing, people. I and you know, this is still true today, unfortunately. I can't say that this is something I fixed in my life through the decades. If I don't feel passionate about it, if I don't feel very connected to it, very aligned, and if I don't, if I can't see my impact in something, you're just not gonna get a lot out of me. You know, I'm not gonna be able to produce at a level that's really gonna be like, man, Jaquita, Jaquita's a great hard worker. When you put me in a position where I'm like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is what I this is what I'm here for, and I know exactly you, you're gonna be like, this girl is unstoppable. In my 20s, I went to school, went to uh undergrad for religion, went and got a Master of Divinity, found can't uh found uh campus ministry and chaplain work, and was really super duper passionate about it, and thought that I was gonna kind of evolve in that passion by becoming a chaplain and moving into that next realm of that type of ministry. Like I really built my ministry identity around serving young adults and serving college students and helping to grow and build their faith. When I got out of divinity school, right, uh I don't think I necessarily balanced the idea of being a chaplain with the idea of being away from what felt comfortable and where I felt like I needed to be. And at that time I felt like I needed to be in Greenville, but I could not find chaplain positions that would allow me to be in Greenville. So I spent time searching, and I spent a lot of time in jobs that I was not aligned with. And uh I spent years not working hard. Like, I spent years being like, all right, all right, I'm gonna get the job done to some degree. All right. But what they were probably at the time when I worked at uh a wonderful nonprofit organization that serves, you know, the young women of America. Um, when I worked there, I was the youngest person on the team. Like, I was one of the younger people on the team. I was. Everybody else was like grown. Like I was like 25, 26, and they were like 40s. My kids are in college, you know. Um, there was one other person who was just a year older than me, and that was my dog, hey Kayla. Um, but like, you know, everybody else was pretty much like living their best grown life. And I'm sure they were like, listen, we got this new girl, she got the young energy. Okay, she gonna she gonna go out there and get it. She gonna get to it. You know what I'm saying? Ain't nothing gonna be able to stop her, okay, because she's young and she's gonna work hard. And what they got instead was somebody who was a little ambivalent to the work. Someone who did the parts that she liked really well and the parts that she didn't like or that she didn't understand. She she wasn't really following leadership's rules and guidance because she was like, that's not the way to do it. And uh I was also at the same time working at at um a college teaching and was absolutely in love with that and gave that my all while I was giving the organization that was employing me full time. Sure. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. And so when I was there for three years, the my last day on the job, I remember they had cupcakes for me in the kitchen and people were saying nice things, and I like cried most of the day because I was like, this feels really bittersweet because I feel like I abused the time that I was supposed to be in preparation for purpose. I abused that by not allowing that job to do what it was supposed to do for me, which is raise my work ethic.

Misalignment And The Passion Myth

SPEAKER_00 10:04

I mean, that's a good point. Yeah, I think that I think that's really good. I do think you you and you don't, I think there's a reality that you don't always find that this is gonna happen in your 20s, but I do think recognizing it in your 20s is helpful. Yeah, it's this idea of being misaligned. It's no guarantee that you're going to find like you're gonna feel completely aligned when you're in whatever field you're in in your 20s. You don't know yourself well enough yet. Like so I there is, I think, this false expectation that it's like I'm gonna find it and it's gonna be great. There's a book called Um Um What is it called? What's it called? What's it called? It's called uh So Good They Can't Ignore You. And um and I I I used to teach this book in in when I did training for people, uh, when I did training for youth workers years ago. And um it it basically one of the like the first the first um chapter, first couple of chapters, juxtaposes this um idea of passion uh versus um I won't say purpose, I don't think he uses that word, but it essentially says this idea of like following your passion is a myth. And he talks, he breaks that down in a way that says, hey, you're you don't like the this idea of like you need to follow your passion is going to get you in trouble because you can't you're not you're never always gonna feel great about everything you're doing. My lord. Even if you love what you're doing, if you're if you are expecting to feel good about it all the time, you'll never get to a point to where people uh where you can't be ignored in what you do. Um and so where like the growth factor is not based on passion. And I think that in your 20s, that's something we have to unlearn a lot. I know I I mean I did, and you know, it's like because I thought I was, I thought for me, passion was hard work. And it's like I equated, like, oh, I must be passionate about this because I'm working hard at it, which wasn't true. Like, and I had to learn kind of where my real alignment was. But just because you're working hard at something doesn't mean you're automatically aligned, but also just because you're passionate doesn't mean you don't need to work, just because you're not passionate doesn't mean you don't work hard. And so I think that understanding that alignment is not guaranteed immediately.

SPEAKER_04 12:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

You know, but here's the thing.

SPEAKER_04 12:37

Here is the thing alignment is not guaranteed, you know, immediately. Like, when we say alignment, I think we're really talking about like your gifts and your talents matching a sense of I'm where I'm supposed to be. Right? No, that doesn't happen immediately. But I also believe that God does not waste any of our experiences.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Not at all.

SPEAKER_04 13:00

All right, so what I later learned as I continued to move and grow in um in identity and in understanding where I was fit. Like my first job, I was not working with young adults. And that that was that became a big thing for me. Like, if I ain't working with young adults, what am I doing? And not youth, because I spent a lot, I did, I did a couple of jobs. All my jobs in the nonprofit world were with the youth. They were with the elementary and the middle school age kids, and I love them. Okay, Auntie Quita loves you down. Okay, but I I am going to hit a limit where I am not, I'm not called to you right now, come see me in 10 years. Yeah. And I got you, you know. But what I what I immediately recognized when I got my first leadership position, I immediately recognized that everything I learned from that first job that I refused to do because it was very administrative. It was very much fill out this chart and do these things and paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. And I was like, I ain't doing that crap. And then when I got my first leadership job, it was like, oh, okay, I gotta turn this into finance, I gotta turn this into the the uh the production team, I gotta turn this to, I gotta give this to this VP, and this dean wants this paperwork, and that's all on me, right? And so there is no running away from it. It was easy to run from it when I wasn't, you know, at the top of the chart, right? Like I was like, I don't even know what this, I don't know the purpose of this, I ain't doing it. But when I became the person that the buck fell on, when I became the person that like was the responsible one, the responsible party, like when they talk about mitigating risk and they start looking at you like, hey, why wasn't this contract filled out right? Or why wasn't this paperwork done right? You're putting the university at risk. Like when you that person, you don't ever, you don't ever want to get caught in those crosshairs. And so I realized that by not, and I'm not, I'm not gonna say my whole 20s, I didn't do what I was supposed to do, because that's not true. But those three specific years, I was like, bump this job. Like, you know, but I I really had to learn. I didn't have to learn work ethic because I am a hard worker and I really do give my all when I feel aligned. What I had to learn was to give your all even when you don't like what you have to do.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

That's right. And that's that's a that is that is a that's a lesson I think we all we have to learn throughout our entire lives. I mean, that's this is always gonna be something that has to be refreshed. Um, I'm saying Yeah, but in your 20s, you don't really get as much of a choice. You don't, you don't get as much of a choice because you really are just start, I mean, you're just getting it, you're just getting started.

SPEAKER_04 15:50

And we are depending on your youth. You know what I'm saying? Like as a leader, when I was hiring for them event jobs, I was like, hey, give me not that I wouldn't hire somebody that was older, but you got to show me that you're gonna be out there till midnight with the kiddos doing late night programming. Yeah, you know, you gotta show me that you can keep up with these high-energy, high productive student orgs, you know what I'm saying? And so no, we're depending on we're depending on your hard work and your youth to get things done.

Working Smarter Through Leadership

SPEAKER_00 16:18

I realized um pretty early. I I didn't realize this early on, but something that I did learn, but a lot of a lot of my my jobs was were in the kind of like coordination project management field. So like whether it's events, like I started off doing events and then you know, uh uh managing and coordinating programming for kids, and like that that was kind of my first five years of work. Um and it wasn't until after I left that into more of a higher level administration program management design kind of um role where I was training people that I realized I wasn't as good at that as I thought I was because I saw other people who it it was they were good at that. But what I also realized was I'd done it enough to understand what needed to be done and find the right people to do it. And so when I was got a chance to build out a team in my next role, I was like, okay, these are the things that need to happen. I know I'm not great at it and I don't need to do it, but you are really good at this because I and I know what needs to happen. So I think a lot of that 20 and the the the the uh mindset in your 20s sometimes that can help is this may not be for me, but it's good for me to know because in my next stage, when I'm working smarter in my 30s, part of working smart is knowing who needs to be where so that it don't fall on you. But if you don't allow yourself to absorb that knowledge earlier so you know how to do that, and if you if you if you don't take the opportunity to do something that you're not great at enough to understand you're not great at it, but this is how you be great at it, and go find the person who is great at it and go get them to do it, then you you can't work smart, like working smarter is so much about what understanding what you like what you do and what others do well, and then finding people to do the thing well that you don't do, yeah, so that you can maximize what's going on.

SPEAKER_04 18:31

Yeah, no, no, no, that's real talk. You gotta do it. That is that, but that is real talk because that's exactly what I'm doing in the 30s. I know administratively, because uh a lot of my current role right now is doing administrative stuff. It is paperwork, it is email follow-up, it is, you know, policy procedures, it is, you know, doing a lot of tasks. And I'm not always a task-oriented person. Uh I'm I'm creative, um, I'm high energy, um, put me at the front of the stage, right? I have had to hire, in my role, I get to hire uh graduate assistants who are, you know, the best of the best. You know, they are in their graduate programs, and they are, they have a lot of energy, a lot of of great ideas, and compliment me very well, especially when you get the right one. I the one I have now, top tier. Okay, top tier. And all of the administrative stuff comes so natural to her, and she just gets it done, and she'd be reminding me. She'd be like, hey Jaqueta, just making sure you don't forget this thing. I'm like, she's learned. She's learned. And so, and I and I stopped feeling bad about that because this is not me saying that I'm not sufficient for the role. This is me saying, I know how to work in a way that's smart for me.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

Yep, yep. And it also is acknowledging, which I think is harder to do in your 20s, in your 30s. Um, you know, and again, we're going by this. Let us be, let's let me just as a disclaimer, as we're going through these decades, this isn't like a I don't think there's hard lines here. I think I think this is just a framework that is healthy um and that's interesting. And so we're talking through it. But don't think that, like, okay, I can't be 28 and still understand this, right? That's not true. Um but uh so just as a disclaimer around that, but I think that the the understanding, and I used to teach this to um to a lot of youth workers, which oddly enough, I wasn't I was not 30 when I was doing this. I was probably like 27, 28. And I was talking to um up and coming kind of youth workers and training them around, and um, you know, they were kind of first, second year people, they hadn't done it before, most of them. And I I I remember kind of having this epiphany of like, there are things that there are dreams you have, there are uh things you want to accomplish with your with your with your ministry, with your program that cannot be done by just you alone.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

You have to be able to know how to bring other people in. And your hard work will only get you so far. So now how do I how do I do that? What are the skills that I need to have in order to bring other people into the work that I'm that we're doing and make it a we thing, not a me thing? And so that there is there is a level of alignment for us all to get accomplish what we need to accomplish for the kids that we're working for. Um and so I think that comes after it comes at a point. And and and a lot of people are aligned around that when once you've kind of hit that 30s and you're like, hey, this. This is this is how this is how I'm working smart. I'm not working alone. Like I can't work alone and work smart. And I think that's the key here is getting that kind of clarity around that. Um I can't work alone and work smart. So I've gotta, so there are other skills that I have to build to bring other people into this work. And one of those skills is communication. One of those skills is uh that's I think honestly, I think it's the biggest skill. If I'm just being honest, I think if you can get that right in all different ways, speaking, writing, um, you know, all that, you know, you have to get communication right. Um, understanding, listening, like you have to get communication right if you want people to be involved in what you're doing. Uh, you have to get discipline right if you want people to be involved in what you're doing, because if you're chaotic, they're chaotic. Um and then nothing gets done and everybody gets frustrated. So the the smarter thing, a lot of times it looks like less moving, more thinking, at least in my experience, that's what it's been, which is a shift, which I it it has taken me most of my 30s to actually make that shift of less doing, more thinking without feeling guilty about it. Um feeling like I'm not working hard because I'm not moving a lot. But that's not that that's not the stage I'm in. I need to because it is I've I've asked other people to help to accomplish certain things. If I'm moving too much, they don't have enough to do to move. That makes sense. So I gotta stay, I gotta be still and think in order to communicate what needs to happen so that they can then take the energy that they have that they're ready to use and go run and do it. And I can't run with them all the time, but that's not what I'm supposed to do. They don't run unless I give it. So the smarter piece shows up a lot of times in in sitting and thinking and preparing and communicating often.

SPEAKER_04 24:05

Um Yeah, and I think I think like as you grow as a leader, you realize it was a pleasure for me to pass the you, you are now the person of impact baton. Yes, you know, like you you are the person that's gonna directly be working with the students, directly working in the program, directly working in the work while I'm guiding you and guiding the ways that we do work, the framework. I'm building the framework that we all can exist in and become effective in. Right. And that doesn't mean that I'm absent from the work, you know, like the students, you know, I I I went from working really directly with the students to kind of being like, you know, like, like, oh yeah, that's you know, that's grandma, you know. She she she be around. Yes, I go to my house if I need to, but I don't live there. That's right. You know what I'm saying? The students didn't live in my office. If you weren't with me in my direct phase, you really didn't follow me into my indirect phase. You know, like so when I see them around campus, they like, man, what's up, Jaquita? How you doing? It's been a long time, but they not they not run into my office. And I there there was a time when I missed that. Yeah, but then immediately I recognized that's not where you are. No, no, you are not at that space and you are not at that time. And now it is my job to uh to prepare and coach those who are, because I didn't necessarily have that when I was in my high impact phase. I didn't have somebody saying, hey, this is how you, this is how you work with the students, and this is how you build. And I was having to figure it out, but also I was, I may have been, I don't think I was a late bloomer, but I came into uh my real like higher ed, this is gonna chart the path for me forward in my early 30s. Like it's kind of like around like 32, 33 is when I found like campus life, student life, and doing that type of work. And so I was bringing, I brought a maturity to it that somebody, because that role might uh a person in their 20s may have been able to get more done. Now I did a lot done. Don't sleep on your girl. Okay, I was out there in the streets, but around 36, I was like, all right. I can't be running these streets no more. Um, and it was it like I said, it was a pleasure to be able to pass the baton. Um, and it's still a pleasure anytime I can find somebody to give some more and to be a person of wisdom and insight. You know, I I I I'd rather do that at this point in my life. And that's part of working smarter too, is knowing how to give back. Because you can't just put people in positions and you you you don't give to them. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 26:59

You you have to know, you have to know what it is, what your responsibility is to the people you have delegated to.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

I think that's incredibly important. And it's a learning, it's it it it takes, well, it took me time to learn that. Like that it's it's not as simple as just delegating and say, hey, go do this. Like there there has to be training and explanation involved um so that they can maximize what whatever stage they're in. Like they they are kind of there's a point of them depending on you to direct the their uh movement to make sure that they are actually feeling fulfilled and max, like I doing what I'm supposed to be doing in this season. And oftentimes that um if that isn't happening, what but it's say like most people don't leave, um don't leave jobs, they leave managers, like at the end of the day. And that is true because it's like it's not the job, but uh this person that's supposed to be helping me and leading me and guiding me is is just doing is just subpar for whatever reason. And so we have to, you know, we've gotta be willing to continue to grow in in our in our leadership, not just for us, but for the people around us so that they can have an opportunity, uh the same opportunity you did to get here. Like it really does, it really does kind of depend on on those people. Like you need wind behind you to move you. I had really great leadership that that just that pushed me and saw me and moved me and then set and helped me. And then, like, hey, you know, um, they weren't perfect, but I felt supported and I felt like, hey, I felt free to do what I needed to do to grow. Um and it's like I want to be able to do that, but that is easier said than done. Uh it is not, it doesn't just come because you get a position of leadership. You've got to continue to uh you've got to continue to maximize yourself. I I think one of the things that I've that one of the biggest things I've learned about leading in this stage is, and this is a common phrase, but leading is learning in a lot of ways. I have to continue to learn. And um, and and a lot of my time is spent learning on in different ways, different platforms from different people around different things. Like I need to continue to learn because I can't give what I don't have. And if people around me are looking for something, I can't, if I don't have it, and all I have is what I've what I've put in me and what's natural that will run out really quickly. Um I've gotta I've gotta continue to fill myself. And so a lot of times I what I found is that the time that I that I used to spend on the go and moving and doing is now spent learning so that I can I can give back and I can say, hey, have you heard about this? Hey, um, or just or come with me to this thing, put your team in positions to learn with you. Right. Um, it's it's so you you are you are just you're you're helping to fill them, don't have to be from you, but you understand what you're learning. And I just invited one of my team members to come to something to me, I think, uh last week. And it's like she said she's in social work. This is a kind of a training for people in the neighborhood to help healing trauma with residents and all this. I mean, I I'm I'm going for one reason. It's a different reason than her, but I know this was like this might this might spark something for her. Hey, come with me. And she was very ecstatic about it. I and it's like, you know, just come. And like, but I wouldn't have known that if I didn't have the information. And if I didn't just go seek it and somebody didn't give it to me and I didn't pay attention to it, right? So it's that that is, I think, a very it's such a critical, uh, critical part of this working smart is you are learning, you are communicating as you're leading. That is what should take up more of your time that I'm doing and moving.

SPEAKER_04 31:23

Yeah. And I think also in your 30s, part of working smarter is being able, like you just talked about, to chart the growth of the people that you're leading.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:35

Right. And and and to I I think one of the hallmarks of great leadership is is pouring enough into your people that they outgrow you. Absolutely. That that they can go. And I have uh, I was just telling Ruth Abigail this morning, I have one person in particular that everything I poured into him, I see the fruit of. Like, because and even when when I was pouring, when I was investing, I was like, this is going into great soil. Because he took everything and was like, I'm gonna take all of this and I'm going to allow it to make me better and to prepare me to walk into my future. Uh, and and you get to a point in your leadership where there really is no better kickback. You know, it is not about the outcomes of the position, it's about the outcomes of the people. Um, and so, like, you know, like, yeah, I I want us absolutely to meet all our metrics, to meet all our goals. And I want to be able to go to conferences and say, all right, guys, we've been really successful. Here's how we've done it, here's how we've done it, okay, here's our model. You may want to follow it. It's successful. You know, like I I love being that girl, you know, but I also love it when I can help people to move to their next, even if it's not with me. Um, and that takes that takes a lot of intentionality. And there are leaders, I I've had to learn that there are different types of leaders. And as a middle manager, okay, when you are, you have to both be a great leader, but you also depend on having great leadership. Absolutely. And so when you were talking about how a lot of people don't leave the job, they leave the management. Absolutely, right? Because I am I am dependent on having leadership that supports me, that encourages me, and that understands me. So, and and I I have had some great leaders in my life, one in particular whom being under his leadership for I was only under there for a year. Can you believe it? You know, it feels like I was I was with him for years. It was one amazing year where I felt, I every time I left this office, I felt validated as a leader, especially in my 30s when I'm like, okay, I'm trying to figure out this whole work smarter thing because it's not just about how hard, it's not about me going out and doing it. You know what I'm saying? If it was about that, Queen's gonna make it happen, right? It is about me being able to work in a way that produces results, but doesn't burn me out.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

Yeah.

Life First And Forties Alignment

SPEAKER_04 34:09

And doesn't burn my team out. Like, and so that's a completely different mindset than it is in your 20s when it's like, you know, I too was working many a job in my 20s. I too was like, hey, I'm I, you know, I'm teaching and I'm doing this, and I'm gonna go find me some other side things to do, you know. And so like you can't do that. The older you get, but you cannot continue to sustain that. And the other thing I think that I'm learning in my 30s is that my whole focus is not work. Yeah, that's good. It's a lot of life things going on, you know, it's a lot of life things that require my attention. And so my top priority is not the J O B, right? And and I love my job and I love who I work for and what I do, but at the end of the day, I love me, I love my family, I love my church, I love I I have so many commitments and priorities, and my career has to fit in my life, not my life into my career.

SPEAKER_00 35:05

That's good. Um, I think uh so as we move into like this, as we move into our next decade, which if you've been listening, you know what that is. Um I my my hope for it, because I don't know, like, but I do hope to kind of have this working how I not just how I want to, but how I feel called to and what I how I feel aligned. Um and really like really leaning into the parts of me that are the most impactful. Yeah. And and and and and leaning leaning on what I've learned uh over a 20-year period, right? That that is that is a long time. We we've been working for 20 years. Ridiculous. Yeah. But like like like really leaning into what have I learned. And I think this is interesting because a lot of I was reading something um uh and this this is kind of been floating around, oh, especially women uh change like shift careers around this decade um or shift into entrepreneurship around their 40s, right? And so it's interesting because this, if you can understand these principles earlier, when you make these shifts, these shifts won't be as rocky because you understand how the foundation it takes to do certain things. Because you're gonna have to anything you anytime you do something new, you're gonna have to work hard. But you understand number one, how to work hard. You and then you understand how to move into working smart because you've done it before.

SPEAKER_04 36:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Uh you so those are not foreign. You're not, you're not, you're, you're learning it a different way, but you're not learning the concept. And so I think like underst like these are foundational um um mentalities that are really, really critical to to spend time with because you don't know what's gonna happen later in your life. Um, and you want to be prepared and you don't want to feel like you're having to work like you're 25 when you're 45. And and a lot of times, like if we're not careful and we don't take the time to absorb now what we have to understand about ourselves, understand about the reality of what working looks like, then we might find ourselves in that. And that that can feel very that that's that's that it's depleting. And and so I think like you know, how I hope to work in this next season is very much around I intend on putting my energy into things that I believe I am called to do. Like, and just and not and not not questioning that, right? I know that this is where I need to be putting it. Um I know that this is what I'm most aligned with. I know that these are the people that I work best with. I know that, you know, I am uh I know this is the outcomes that I can impact, you know, all whatever, right? I I'm aware of that. Like I I may not get it, I may not bet a thousand on it, but I'm I know enough to know like I know I know what I don't need to be doing. Um I know I know where I don't need to live. And so that is uh, I think that's critical. And I'm hoping, and I don't know, I think and I hope that that'll happen. Um I know where my gifts are, I know where my gifts are. I know what I'm I know what I'm pretty good at. Like, and I know where I want to put those things. You know, you you know you can't spread your gifts everywhere. I'm not trying to do that. Like, I know this is where I want to put them. I want to put them in my family, I want to put them in certain aspects of my work, and I want to put them in my community in some way, but I'm not gonna do it everywhere because I've done that before. I've put my gifts everywhere, can't do that no more. I've learned this is where they go, this is what I'm here for. Yeah, and every somebody else can fill in the gap somewhere else, and I have to feel bad about that at all. Um, you know what I'm saying? So I that's the mentality I feel like I'm I'm getting towards and feeling more like confident in. And it feels good, like it feels really good, but again, it doesn't come without the work of the decades before.

SPEAKER_04 39:27

Listen, I have a current list of things that I am at the moment saying yes to that I need to say no to. I mean, it it is a list that's good in my head of this doesn't this doesn't fit me. And there is somebody that this would fit better for. Yeah, and I have been here doing this because out of a sense of obligation, out of a sense of this is what is needed, but I know that I could be doing more if I was aligned, yeah, if I was in the right spot, you know, like, and so even right now, like with work, with with school, with church, with in all of those areas, there is a place where I'm like, I gotta make sure that I'm I'm in alignment because that's when I'm gonna be effective. I'm not gonna be effective doing somebody else's work.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Nope.

SPEAKER_04 40:27

And I think that's really what the 40s is about to be about. I really think that it's about to be like, hey, are you doing what you're supposed to be doing?

SPEAKER_00 40:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 40:36

Because that's how we go from good to great.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 40:40

Right. That's how we that's how we go from, oh yeah, you know, she had some level of impact too. Listen, if you need this, you call her.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 40:50

Right. Like, and and you have to, you have to continue to hone that in, right? Like you are not a person that does everything. You are a person that does your thing really, really well. Right. And so, you know, when I think about, when I think about this next decade of my life, I know that I am I am creating a narrative or that my 30s have created a narrative that my 40s are going to thrive in.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 41:21

Because I am going to become that girl for that thing. Right. And I think I spent I spent a I spent a lot of time in my 30s learning leadership, um, learning organizations, learning impact and influence, um, learning how to navigate challenges, learning how to uh really learning how to be myself and be good with that, and and and telling other people, hey, this is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 41:51

You know what I'm saying? Like these are the things that are negotiable, and these are the things that I don't plan on changing. I like it, you know, and I'm I'm very sorry if you don't like it, but this this is what I got.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:02

You know, and and and really being a little bit more firm in that. And and I think, you know, we're talking a lot about career for the for this, because the the framework of the of of Jill Scott's message was really about work, but it's also it's about how you orient yourself in life, period. Yes, right? Like I don't, I don't, I don't have to keep carrying um relationships or projects or obligations just because I've always carried them.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Come on, man.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

I don't have to.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_04 42:37

I don't have to. If it don't fit, if the glove don't fit, you must have quit. You must have quit. You must have yeah, there's some things we just gotta let go and don't fit no more, and you still keep trying to drag all this old stuff into this new season of your life, and it is wearing you out because you know it's not supposed to be there no more. You know that it's time has run out. You know it, you know that person that you keep every time they call, you be like, ugh, and you still be like, Hey Damn, how you doing? Yeah, child. Yeah, so so and so did what again? My Lord. You know, like you still, you still, and it's not, and I'm not first of all, I'm not telling you to go break up with all your friends. That's not what I'm telling you to do. But I think we gotta spend some, we have to spend some time being honest with ourselves about what works for us and what we've just been working with. And there's a lot of stuff you've been working with that don't actually work for you. And you're not gonna be able to move into the season of working how you want to. If you still got a bunch of stuff that don't make sense for you, that's real. Does it make sense with you for you? And also, have you been honest with these people, places, and organizations? About what you really need from them. Have you spoken it out loud? Have you said, hey, this is what would help me to be feel more comfortable, to feel safer, to feel more aligned in this space? Have you spoken those things to them, right? Because some stuff keeps going on because people actually think you're happy. Like people actually think, hey, you know, yeah, quit the good with everything. I used to be the good with everything kind of gal.

SPEAKER_00 44:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:32

I used to be the, hey, this all works for me, especially in my 20s.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:37

What do you want to watch on the TV? Whatever you like. Where do you want to go for dinner? Wherever you'd like. Like I had no, and I I honestly, if you ask me what my real opinion was, I really didn't have one. Yes. Because I was, I literally was in a space where I was waiting for somebody else to take lead. I was just like, there's there's no point. I'm not, my opinion's not gonna be good enough. Why even form one? Right? Why why even take the time to know what I like and what I don't like when I can just let people with stronger personalities and who have more preferences lead the way.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 45:14

Sure, you whatever you like, whatever you want to watch, whatever you want to do, sure.

SPEAKER_00 45:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 45:19

And in my 30s, I had to, I had to spend some time with myself and say, Jaquita, this is what works for you and this is what doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 45:27

Right.

SPEAKER_04 45:27

This is this is what this is what builds you up and this is what tears you down.

SPEAKER_00 45:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 45:32

This is this is when you get in this space, you that girl. When you in this space, you another face in the sea of people doing this stuff. Right. And so you get when you as we head on over to this next decade, I'm that girl. Yeah. Okay.

Courage Intentionality And It’s Not Late

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Like I'm that girl because I've I've become that girl. Because you become that. Yes. It didn't, and I think it's important, you know, as we kind of because honestly, I don't know that we can go much further than this because we haven't hit these things. Aspirations and dreams, okay. I'm trying to get to the 50s and 60s. That's man, look, but I think I think two things that um came to mind when you were talking is one thing that it takes uh to do the things you were saying. I gotta release things, I gotta shift things. Sometimes I'm gonna have to disappoint people, um, is is courage. You you gotta have courage to do this stuff. Um, you have to have courage to get out of what you've been living for the last 10 years of your life and move into something different. It's gonna take courage. And I I I experience this all the time. I just I just actually um I I have somebody on my team who is probably my my um she's my heart, she is the the person who pushes me the hardest to be better. And I I I I I cannot stand her sometimes, but she um in a in the best way, like don't take that note, like in the best way, but she gets on my nerves and I get on hers. But we are a really good team, and she pushes me outside of my comfort zone to be better and pushes me to be more courageous to be a better leader. I'm a people pleaser by nature, it is a problem, and I'm trying to break it. And what she's just absolutely not. And so, like, I and so she put she's like, you can't keep accommodating people like this, like XYZ, XYZ. And so I had to take it's small, it makes me small to other people, but small moves of courage towards that kind of growth so that I don't let this stop me from moving forward and what I know I'm I'm I'm called to do and how I'm called to lead. And so that, and I appreciate that like about about about her and about others, but she probably does it the most right now. Um, and so I am um, I think to courage, you're gonna need courage because you're just gonna every anything moving towards something that you're unfamiliar with is gonna be uncomfortable. And you have to have courage to do that. And I think the other thing that's important to understand is uh to unlearn really is like this idea that just because you hit another decade doesn't automatically mean these phases happen. But it's not it's not a guarantee. It it actually takes um some uh some intentionality to to do this. So I think it's a great framework, and that's why we wanted to talk through it. But it doesn't just happen. Just because you turn 30 doesn't mean you automatically go work smarter, just because you turn 40 doesn't mean you automatically gonna work how you want to. Like you gotta put some work, you have to put some work into the learning of doing it, and you have to be patient with yourself. Um, and and don't expect it to happen overnight just because you're a certain age. But I also think just because you are maybe a younger age doesn't mean that you can't get there too. So again, it's a framework, it's not a prescriptive thing, it's just a framework to think through. And I think how most of us and most of us experience these stages in our life. Uh, but don't don't think that you turn 32 and all automatically and say, oh, here we go. Like I'm about to be in this. No, that doesn't happen. You have to prepare for it. Um if you don't prepare, you're not gonna move, you're not gonna succeed in it. And uh, and so you you might find yourself when you're 50, when you're 60, still having to work in ways that you really don't want to, because you because you miss this time of preparation. And so we want to encourage you, don't miss this time of preparation. Whatever stage you're in, like don't miss this time of preparation. And if you feel like you have missed it before, it's not too late to do it now. Uh there, like you don't have to, if you feel like I've squandered, you know, all these years and then not done what I was supposed to do and not really paying attention to myself. I have I'm I'm not aligned, I haven't really worked as hard as I need to, and I'm 43. It's not too late. You're fine. You're okay. Yeah, not too late. You you you have the opportunity because just time itself gives you something that you didn't have before. So just believe, like, hey, I'm not, I'm it's not too late to continue to prepare and grow and still reach these, these, um, these, these levels that I might want to reach, even if you feel like you're starting late. Like, don't don't feel like that's the case. So uh yeah. Yeah thank you, Jill Scott. Thanks, Jilly. Appreciate you, dog.

Listener Prompts And Closing

SPEAKER_04 50:26

Yeah. I think it's so interesting, you know, when when you're talking about moving from stage to stage to stage, like I think anytime we can put a framework of understanding around that, it helps us to navigate better because I'm going in my 40s, like, all right, the goal is I can work how I want to work, right? Like, that's the goal. And so it allows us to move forward with some understanding of what we're building. Yes, sure. Um, and so anytime, anytime, and you know what, you guys, if you have heard an interesting quote lately, or if you've heard something that you're like, uh, I really want them to talk about that, send it to us. We would love some ideas. We would, yeah, that would be awesome. Like, if you guys are like, man, this thing happened, or this person said this thing, I wonder what Jaquita and Ruth Abigail would say about that. Like, just shoot us a message.

SPEAKER_00 51:20

Shoot us a message, let us know. Happy to explore. And we we we we would love to do that. That'd be fun. Um, all right, I think we're done. I think we're done. We did it. We did it, we did it. Hey, y'all. Uh, if this was meaningful for you, share it. Don't keep it to yourself. Like it, you know, subscribe to the channels. We appreciate y'all. We could we wouldn't be here without you. And uh until then, we're gonna keep unlearning together. We experience more freedom. Peace. Hi, y'all.

SPEAKER_01 51:55

Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.