Hitch, Heartbreak, And The Cost Of Playing It Cool

Welcome And The Freedom Theme

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Yo, yo, what's up, everybody? And welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast. I'm your host with Dabby L, a K-A-R-A. What's up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita. This is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Freedom, listen. And we are free. Yes, free indeed. Indeed. Come on. Yes, Lord. I like that. I like that. You know, it's been such an interesting week, you know. And I feel like uh, you know, a lot, a lot of what's been happening in my week. Thank you for asking me, that's a good question. Sure. No, well, there is a thank you. Uh, but a lot of of what's been happening in my in my week has really been surrounded around me being grounded and knowing myself in the midst of a lot of things changing and shifting, and not in the ways that I was hoping or thinking that they would, but really having to remain grounded and and in who I am and believing that God has still called me to the things that He's called me to. And you you don't realize how important it is to really be good with yourself until you get to those moments where it feels like that gets tested. Um, and so I think as we are in our summer movie series, because it's what? Summer, summer, summer time. You don't know the song, you don't get the summer. Okay. Don't let Ruth participate in things. I got it, I got it.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

She's not part of the summer, summertime. Got it, I got it.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

No, you're not even singing it with the right vibe, okay? That wasn't the right vibe. But you know, we're in the summertime movie series, okay? And we're talking about a fan favorite. I think this is a universal classic. I think, I think after this one came out, like it really brought the communities together. You know, white, black, Latino, okay. We were all like, this movie is for us. You know, all of us are Asian brothers and sisters, you know. We all we all have a moment in the sun. Male and female, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Male and female. It's something all, you know, Republican and Democrat. Everybody can love it.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

All right. When I was thinking about identity and all of the things that it takes to really move forward in life, in relationships, and all of those things, being grounded in yourself is what this movie is all about.

Why Hitch Hits Identity

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Ladies and gentlemen, we are talking about one of Will Smith's best romantic comedies. Hitch. Hitch. Not to mention Kevin James, one of my favorites.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Gotta love Kevin James. Kevin James is. Love me some King of Queens. All right. Absolutely hysterical. Like he is, he is just funny. Just he's just funny. The man has real is just a talented comedian. But um, we have uh oh no, what's her name? What's who's the main female character? Is it Eva Lacoria? Yes, yes, it is.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Um and we really should look these things up.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

We really should do that. We should we should do better on our research. But um, for those of you that have not seen Hitch, it's a rom com about a uh uh a guy who Will Smith is basically a matchmaker underground. Like he is he is a matchmaker that only he's not he's not advertised, he flies under the radar, and his whole deal, right, is matching people, getting people together who wouldn't normally be together. Yeah. So he tries to help men in particular reach women that they're interested in that they women probably wouldn't notice them.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

For real, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:12

He's here for the underdog.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

He's here for the underdog. Uh, because at at at one point in his life, as we'll find in the movie, he was the underdog. My lord. He uh identifies and sympathizes with this, uh, with with underdogs. And so he's created a business to where he like creates these moments for people to come together who wouldn't normally probably come together, and he kind of coaches the guys as to how to how to connect to women in ways that most men aren't gonna connect to them. Yeah, and so that's the premise of his business. That's how we meet him, and then of course, like all rom-coms, he himself has an encounter that he was not expecting. My Lord. And we dive into it.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Yes, you know, there's this premise that, you know, that these women are beautiful, that they are, you know, this idea of there being leagues, you know, and you dating above, you know, your league. She's out of your league. And him kind of coaching these men, he's not necessarily changing who they are, but he is giving them game. Let's just be real. He is teaching them game. All right, this is game. And game, here's what we have to be honest about. Was the movie cute? Yes. Okay, adorable. Did he do things that kind of cross the line a little bit? At times. At times, you know, some stuff was insistent. Game and there is a there's a thin line. Okay, Martin Lawrence taught us that, but there's a thin line, right? And I think that you have to be mindful that there's a difference between swag, right? And I'm doing things that, you know, might make me a little more attractive, right? Women do it all the time, okay? Of course. You know, you know how you walk different when you think there might be somebody looking at you. Okay, you carry yourself, you start sitting up right, all right. You know, straight, let them see a little neck, a little, you know, flip a little hair, you know, like we we all act a little different when we're around people that we like, and it is and it can be considered game. But when it goes, when it delves into levels of inauthenticity, um, manipulative, yes, where you are now you're more game than you are you. And I I don't think he realized that he had built up the structure, he had built up this personality and this persona that allowed him to play the game that had been played on him. You know, he was really trying to get these men into authentic relationships with women that they were interested in, but he had not yet conquered that for himself. He was not trying to build authentic relationships, he was really trying to secretly and probably inadvertently get back, you know, find a pretty woman, get her all interested, and you know, love her, overwhelm, love bomb her, really. Love bomb her and leave. Right? And he didn't it sometimes you have to be confronted with you in order to really see that what you're doing and how you're operating um is is actually wrong. He didn't see what he was doing as wrong because he was when you're operating from a place as of hurt, you will always try to soothe your hurt instead of moving in ways that push you forward to healing.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

So, yeah, and I I think that's a good point. I think his his we started to really understand what his motive is. I like what you said, like he's he's he's playing a get back game because we learn in his um in his past later on in the movie that he had his heart broken by somebody um that he really he really loved. And the reason is because she kind of portrayed him like you're kind of doing a lot, you're doing too much, you know, you you're you're too you're not cool enough for me. Like, you know, I like we're having fun and everything, but like I'm not really trying to like be serious and you all over here talking about wearing love, you're in love, and why I all this stuff, and I'm that's not really how she felt. And he felt he was heartbroken because he didn't realize that they weren't in the same place, and so in his mind, he wants to help guys not have to go through that, and it it does show, and I I can't remember, there's a line that Kevin James says towards the like the climax of the conflict um in the movie where he says, Um, Will Smith is like, you know, I can't remember exactly what it says, but something to the effect of I know love or or love is love is what I love is something. And then Kevin James character says, Love is your job, but like you don't you are not open to love, like but you you understand it to make a check, but you're not really open to it yourself, like, and he wasn't. He he wasn't, he's like, I'm not gonna get hurt again. That ain't on the table, and so I think that is it's something that we we have to face. Um

Game Versus Authentic Connection

SPEAKER_01 10:06

and one of the things I think is important for us to unlearn in general, and and this is not a new quote or new idea, but it's it's what actually one of my favorites is you you can never build, you never want to build a permanent philosophy over a temporary moment. My Lord. And so his he built this philosophy and a business around a thing that happened, a temporary thing that happened in his past. So now he's got this whole philosophy that he's created an empire around that could that could crumble any minute as soon as his premise is uh is is proven wrong, which it ended up being with both Kevin James and his love interest and his own. He ended up proving his philosophy wrong because his his his experience began was different with these people than they have been with uh in the past with him, with himself and with others. And so sometimes we take our we take these very real moments of hurt, of disappointment, all that stuff, and we build a philosophy of life around it. And now you are living that thing out as if that moment is the only moment that could possibly be. And it can be and it can be dangerous because when you get to a point where you realize that that is not always the truth, now you're you're deconstructing your own philosophy. And so I think he that we see him go through that process, and that's a process that I think a lot of us subconsciously we probably don't even realize we're doing. Not only do you build philosophies off that, but you build the personality around that. So a lot of people are building personalities based on temporary moments of hurt. So now you you're you're hardened, your sarcasm comes from hurt, or your um, you know, you are you're you're you've built walls of of protection because you're hurt, and it's like, no, I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just a person that likes to be to myself. Yeah, but why? Like, where'd that come from? Um, and so those types of mentalities were building philosophies and personalities around temporary moments that we don't believe can ever change, so we don't change. And then we end up we end up continuing to face the same issues over and over and over, proving ourselves right when you really, if you allow yourself to break free from that, you can you can actually progress in how you you know who you are.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Yeah. But I you know, and I I think that's so true. And I think when we look back on things that we've been through, a lot of times you you go back and you evaluate who was right, who was wrong, who said what, who did what, you know, how that you might evaluate how that made you feel, um, you know, how you responded in the moment. What we don't always go back and trace is how is the way that I'm responding to a situation today, how has that been slowly built by the experiences that I have? And I don't need to just break the moment that I'm in right now. I need to go back to my moment of origin and I need to tear down the thought that I built in that moment, right? Because hitch in that experience with that one relationship, right? And we relationships just they're so sensitive, right? Like, especially romantic relationships, because those are the places where you want to feel wanted and you want to feel accepted and you want to feel acknowledged and seen and understood. And they are the places where in a moment that you made yourself the most vulnerable, and here's the thing you made yourself the most vulnerable because you got to the plate, you got to a place of hope. You got to a place where you imagined the moment beyond the moment, right? And when the moment beyond the moment didn't happen, that's what really broke you. The fact that the relationship didn't continue in the way that you thought it was going to, that you didn't get the girl, that they didn't really understand you or accept you or want you or value you, that's the moment that you're contending with, right? You're contending with the moment, but you're also grieving the moment that didn't happen. Right? And so you're dealing with both, right? You're living with both, but you're not addressing or healing from both. And so instead of actually saying, hey, the moment that I wanted to happen didn't happen, but that doesn't mean that I won't get another opportunity to experience what I hoped for. What he originally hoped for was authentic relationship, love, trust, uh, shared interest, um, um a safe place to, you know, really be himself in the growth. That's what that was the moment he originally hoped for. So instead of, you know, saying, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take that same hope and put it into the next thing that God presents to me, he erased that hope. He said, I don't hope for that anymore. So I'm I'm I'm gonna change the goal, right? And he built a new structure, he built a new persona, and instead of allowing that wound to heal so that you would be ready to go into something new, right? You set yourself into a cycle because you built stone walls around yourself that you called beautiful, right? You said the life that I'm actually gonna have is one where no one can hurt me. The life that I'm gonna build is one where no one gets to make me hope again or feel vulnerable again or feel like I can have something that they're not gonna give me. I'm not even gonna take the chance. The life that I'm gonna build for myself is actually gonna be one that safeguards me from the thing that I actually want. And I think that if we are honest with ourselves, we have done that in our own lives. You know, even if it's not in romantic relationships, think about your ideals around money, right? You have told the Lord that you have, you have given God limits on what he can do in your life, on what you can have, right? On where God can take you, where he can take your business, where he can take your family, where he can take you. Uh, you know, there is a limit that you have set somewhere in your life that can't that has a point of origin. And we need to go back and find those points of origin so we can tear down these concrete walls we've built around ourselves because they are preventing you from having what you're actually supposed to have.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

So

Temporary Hurt Becomes A Lifestyle

SPEAKER_01 17:28

um, I remember one of the walls I built around myself was just this um I didn't like I didn't want people to really know who I was because I was insecure about that.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Remember them?

SPEAKER_01 17:42

And so let me tell my story. Okay, and I'm about to ask you for your little commentary.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Um I was just thinking my trials and tribulations.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

You know what? Anyway, so there was a moment in college where you know my friends really got on to me because I was I was not willing to be um I wasn't willing to be vulnerable and share who I was with them because I didn't really, I I I don't, I don't, I didn't really know myself, but I also didn't really love myself. I didn't, I didn't I didn't like all of who I was. I was ashamed. And so I didn't want to let anybody else in. And what I realized was that though those blockers, but I I wouldn't I wouldn't have said I didn't have a good life, I would have said like I love my life, and I I'm happy with where I am. And but I realized like it was I wasn't limiting myself, my relationships were pretty surface, um, that I thought weren't, but I learned they were, and I was blocking off connection for people and from God because I wouldn't be vulnerable, and it took lots of years to get to the point where I was willing to share, you know, who I was with people, who I really was, without this veil of shame uh for whatever reason. Like I just that, you know what I'm saying? And so I think to your point, I think we all go through that on some level, and it prevents us, it just prevents you from the connections you need in order to progress and thrive in your life. Um, we can't do this thing by ourselves, but you can't have authentic community and connection without vulnerability, and this is something that I had to unlearn and I I don't I wish was it true sometimes. I wish I could have authentic connection with people without having to be vulnerable, but I realize that that is that is not the reality, and so it's like what's your trade-off? Are you willing to are do you do you want to keep people at a distance in order to protect yourself? Or are you willing to allow people to really um connect with you and make you better, but also when you do that, you run the risk of them hurting you too. And and so or seeing you, which I think was my problem. I didn't wasn't afraid of being hurt, I was afraid of being seen. Um and so you know, you but you run the risk of that. And I just wonder, I don't know what you think, Quita, like I wonder what kind of I wonder what prevents people from being vulnerable, and what has prevented you from being vulnerable in the past as well, and like how you really move through that.

Vulnerability, Safety, And Trust

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Well, thank you, Ruth Abigail, for asking, first of all. Um, but you know, I uh I said it before, I'll say it a thousand times. I I just did not realize how important this idea of safety was for me. Um and I I have always endeavored to ensure my own safety, uh, whether that's in relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, whatever. And when conversations would get to a place, you know, the the whole idea of vulnerability is to give somebody not the permission, but the ability. You right, you I'm giving you enough information that you could possibly hurt me. I'm giving you enough access to where if this doesn't go the way that I'm planning it to, this could this could not work out for my benefit. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you know who you say you are and you don't do what you say you're gonna do, and something goes awry, right? I'm I'm going to feel unsafe. And I really I realized early on that these relationships that were asking me to be more vulnerable, they were also asking me to give up something that was really, really dear to me. And that was safety, right? That was me bringing down my walls and saying it's okay for you to come in. And not just see mentor Jaquita or advice Jaquita, because I always had, you know, even before I knew the word, I had a word. You know what I'm saying? Like that's just always been who I am. I'm going to encourage, I'm going to counsel, I'm going to guide. I'm going, I'm going to try to say something. You know, I'm a I'm a poet naturally at heart. So I'm a I want to say something in a way that you're going to ooh and ah at. Right? Vulnerability was me showing raw, unprocessed, unthought out, um, unfiltered at times, Jaquita, and trusting that you would keep her safe. Or another thing that I had to learn about me and vulnerability, and I was actually talking to producer Joy about this a little earlier, is that I tend to intellectualize things, and you can have all of my intellectual thoughts. Like, here are all my thoughts, my thinking, my knowledge, anything God has given me, you can have. Right? But when it comes to my emotions, oh baby, oh baby, let me tell you something. You, you, you, you're gonna struggle to get that. You you're gonna struggle to really for or it is a struggle for me to give that because that to me is where I'm where I'm becoming vulnerable. Because coming from a place where emotions haven't always been respected, right? It makes me feel unsafe to give people access to those. Um because those are I've learned to prize my feelings secretly and privately. It's like, oh, they gonna they're gonna tear me down for this. Yeah. And so I think for a lot of us, when it comes to vulnerability, you know, you have to, you have to consciously and wisely, right, allow yourself to know that the feelings of unsafety, right? Trust, trust is just it's necessary to grow in relationships. Yeah, for sure. We can't go any further, we can't grow anymore if we're not gonna trust each other. And and you're gonna have to trust somebody that and here's the thing. Here is the thing. You are not trusting that people won't hurt you. No, you are trusting that their heart toward you will always bring them back to a place where we can reconcile and we can move forward when hurt does occur. Right. Me and Ruth, me and Ruth Abigail have hurt each other plenty of times. This is true. Yeah, I mean, I ain't even gonna lie to you, not recently, you know, but in the beginning, though, oh, we were terrible. We were we were horrible. I cared nothing about her feelings. I was like, I'm sent to save your life. Okay, I really don't care how you feel about what I got to say, right? And it took a it took a lot of it took a lot of of learning, it took a lot of give and take, it took a lot of, okay, I'm I may not get you right here or understand you right here, but I'm gonna figure it out. And this is this is honestly the relationship we see between uh Eva Longoria's character and Hitch, right? Like it is it is this battle of are you gonna show me who you really are? Are you are you gonna give me uh are you gonna give me more? Are you gonna open up? Right. And until you do, I'm gonna keep my uh Eva Mendez. Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Yeah, that yeah, that was it. Yeah, that's right, you like I confirmed it and I was I was like, yeah, this one went with it.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

Okay, this is a good thing. Who was producer joy when we had this conversation 10 minutes ago? We was wrong and you was absent. What happened? You were supposed to correct it then. We sorry, guys.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Um listen, shout out to Eva Mendez, great actor. Yeah, we love Eva Mendez. Beautiful job and hitch. Um, really want to continue to support you. You know, hope all is well. Um, but but Eva Mendez, thank you so much. Uh, Eva Mendez, like her character is like, I'm gonna hold on to me um so that I don't I don't allow you to hurt me. But Hitch is doing the same thing. Like, I'm I'm going to, I'm gonna, I only want to present you with the with the package deal. Right? I've created a package for you to enjoy. Right, right, right. And so I'm gonna put present this to you. And in his mind, he's been living in his produced version for so long, he doesn't even realize that he's giving you a false sense of of who he is. He doesn't even realize that he's not being vulnerable or authentic. He's like, no, what I have created here is a wonderful package that that that you will love. I'm just not gonna stay for long.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he shows, I think I like what you said. Like he he's he's he knows how to do it. Like he's like, I know how to do it. But what's interesting is because she is she isn't the way that he assumed she would be. All the things he tried, he was hitting a brick, he was just hitting walls. He wasn't he wasn't it wasn't working the way he thought. Um, and it and then for her, she was experiencing something different, and it made it kind of messed her up. So both of them kind of messed up each other's plans and expectations. But you know, I think remained there was a curiosity there, but I think they they they continued on for for the for motives that were not for each other. You know what I'm saying? She continued on for her job, yeah. So she tried to get in, and he continued on for his ego, I think.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

Absolutely, you know what I'm saying? Let's be for real about it. They both love the challenge, right? That's the whole thing. He approached her. He was like, she looks unapproachable, she looks like she don't want to be bothered, right? But I I'm that player, right? I I got the game on lock. This is what I do. Ain't no way I'm leaving here and I'm not I'm not gonna I'm not gonna win her over, right? And I'm gonna do it in a way I'm I'm I'm I'm coming in from the side gate every time. Never through the front door, right? Not even through the back door because she used to looking back there too. I'm coming in through a secret side door that I created for myself and she ain't gonna see this coming. And every time she was like, I really, you know what I'm saying? I she her mind is so trained to I I'm trying to get the scoop. I'm trying to see what people aren't seeing. So they're both coming at it from uh, he's coming at it from a, you know, a conqueror mindset of I am going to conquer her. Right. I, you know, she is a a formidable challenge, and I'm gonna win. And she's coming from a nothing is ever what it seems, and it's never, it's never real, right? It's never good. Like she's cynical. She's like, this is not gonna end up well, but I'm gonna get what I can out of it while it's happening. Yeah, and she ended up finding what she was looking for, even though it wasn't the truth. And that's the thing. When we have abandoned hope, especially when we have abandoned hope in relationships, you have to figure out what have I made my target, right? Because if your hope isn't, you know, everybody says, I want to be a wife, I want to be married, you know, I want, you know, I want a family. But really, everything you speak out of your mouth is ain't no good man left, I don't even see men, you know what I'm saying? I don't really, what are you making your target? Because if your target was really marriage and it was really family and it was really God ordained this, God ordained that, then you would keep that in front of you. You would keep hope in front of you. But when we instead move away from that and say and start thinking, oh well, I I I'm not focused on hope. I'm looking at the truth. That's not truth, baby. That is your created reality, and now you are building exactly what you're speaking, right? There are no men, there are no available options. No, you're not dating. No, you ain't getting out there. And for the men, nah, there ain't no good, saved woman. That, you know, I recently heard somebody say, you know, I haven't been able to find a woman of faith. And I'm like, sir, I know 20 right now. Right. What are you talking about? What are you what are you even saying? Right? Like, how do you even get here? Right? But but we start building, you know, uh, it's been said, right, that words build worlds. Right. I hate it when words are close together because, you know, my alliteration game don't be on point. But words build worlds, right? And so everything that you're speaking, which is actually, you know, out of the heart, the mouth speaks, right? You are creating what your heart is actually leading you to, which by the way, the Bible says that the heart is deceitfully wicked, right? Like, and so you are creating something that is anti-your promise. You are literally speaking something that is against what God has promised you, what you have been asking God for. And so we will speak out of our mouths, you know, relationships, you know, the dating pool is trash. There are no good men out there. You know, we can't find this and we can't find that. And, you know, good luck out there. You know, I'll probably be single for another year. You know, you're actually speaking that, but then going to the Lord saying, Lord, I just don't understand what my husband is. Yeah. You know, I'm so tired of waiting. And the Lord is like, I'm fighting against you. Some of this, some of this, you are building yourself. And so in the movie, they both had built worlds that were not what they actually wanted. Because, but again, when you when you ostracize hope, and when you put hope to the side, and you put you put on your reality glasses and say, bump what I'm asking for, bump what I what I feel like my promise is, bump what I'm hoping for. I'm gonna build a structure that allows me to deal with reality, right? You end up forfeiting your promise. And you really have to take a step back and and believe again and hope again um for the things that you're asking God for.

SPEAKER_02 33:54

You know, I like to take this time.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

Ruth don't like word of faith, y'all. So don't do that. Don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Everything that's do not do that. I was not about to do that. Don't do that.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

I'm sorry, you can edit it out.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

No, you ain't got to edit nothing out. No, because the people need to hear this. Okay, uh uh. No, the Queen of Raw for that. Um, no, I was gonna say, I was gonna say, well, I was thinking two things to affirm what you're saying, ma'am. Um that uh you know, got like we change hand first. Like, and so when you talk about this idea of speaking stuff and talking, it it won't come out if it's not already in. And so you have you have to have it in you in order for it to come out of you. What's what comes out of you reveals what's in you.

SPEAKER_04 34:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

And so to your point, uh, when we're we're talking out of, you know, James says you can't um, you know, uh double-minded. Yeah, well, a bitter, bitter water doesn't come from, or sweet water doesn't come from a bitter spring. Like you can't have, yeah, you know, you can't have two uh uh oh man, the tu uh what is it? It's James 3, and I can't get there in my head. Uh, but the tongue you can't speak two different things out of the same mouth.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

I just let you sit there and work it out too.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

You sure did. That's okay. Y'all read James 3. I'm I'm I'm misquoting all this stuff, but I get the principle is there. Y'all, y'all feel me. So we we talk, we talk out of our mouths both ways, and that that's not you really, you really can't do that. It's like, hey, the reality is what's actually in you is gonna come out of you. So nobody actually you so you you know what's real when what comes out, and I think that we have to be honest with ourselves, you know. Working with young people, one of the things that it's like, yeah, I want to I I really want to go to college. Cool. I I I hear this all the time. I want to go to college, I want to go to college. What you want to major in? Oh, I want to be this, this, and that. Okay, cool. Come come time, you know, senior year, beginning the senior year. Okay, let's you know, we're going to college. Yeah, I'm going to college. All right, come um March of before you before you graduate. All right, what you want to know when I go to college? Well, how many colleges you applied to? Well, I haven't applied to any yet. Okay, but you say you want to go to college, but you've applied to no colleges, you don't know the process of going to the college, you have no money to go to college, you have not thought about this. You're telling me you want to go to college, but everything I'm seeing does not support that. So, what you're doing is you're deceiving yourself into thinking what's coming out is what's in you. It's not. You if if what if what was in you was coming out of you, you would actually see some fruit. And there's no fruit. And so I think like we have to be honest about we say we say these things in one way, and we and then, and then we will you know, we'll we'll verbalize what's real to you, we'll verbalize what's really there, and then we'll say something that we wish was there. It's like you, you're you're you're all you're all mixed up here. Yeah. So so I I our our mouths are so critical in shaping, like you said, world shape worlds. Words shape words, word, mm-hmm. Words shape worlds. There it is. It's difficult. It is. That was challenging. Uh, and I I think that we've we've gotta be we we have to be so careful about that, and you wonder why your world looks the way it is, and you really have to start talking, and it's not it's not just about speaking things into existence. I will say that you can't just talk your way into stuff, there has to be action behind it, however, it starts with your words. Okay, that was the first thing I was gonna say. The second thing I'd like to take, I'd like to do a little pivot here. Go

AI Companions And False Reality

SPEAKER_01 38:14

ahead, get on out of here. Because we're talking about this idea of um the heart being deceitful and wicked, who can know it? This idea of our us creating our own worlds with our words and kind of living in this reality that we've made ourselves that doesn't really um that kind of that doesn't really match what's always real. We've created our own reality. Um and so I was uh I recently was watching this podcast, Oprah's podcast, right? And she was interviewing people um who had unhealthy relationships with AI and was talking about the dark side of AI. And uh there were three stories that that she featured. One was uh a young, a young, a teenager, teenage boy who had an unhealthy relationship with an AI bot, ended up committing suicide. A second one was a young woman who had an unhealthy relationship with an AI bot who basically convinced her that she was some unique being sent from Earth, I mean sent to Earth to change this energy and just have this like spiritual calling that she was needed to live out. And then this third one who convinced this uh man that he was like of some high intellectual um caliber and needed to warn the government of um something that was gonna happen, this mathematical formula he created that was gonna like destroy the world and had to warn the government about. I mean, and these people made steps towards these things, their own realities that they were creating in their minds, assisted by AI. And so I'm listening to this, and you know, these are these are things that I think like I work with teenagers and I I am aware of the way that teenagers interact with uh technology um right now, and that it is it is not healthy. I think uh oh man, I don't want to butcher the statistics, but I want to say that Oprah says 72% um of teenagers have interacted with AI from a relational standpoint. 72 very high. Um what producer joy if I'm wrong, correct me. But there it is a high percentage of teenagers who have explored that and they they they use AI for personal kind of personal relationship reasons. Not always romantic, but they're chatting with them like they're companions. Right?

SPEAKER_04 41:01

Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

And so this is the to me, this is a this is our current real this is our current uh what's currently happening in our world. Um narrative of people creating their own realities and living them out because you have believe something, you have a curiosity about something, uh, there is a hurt around something that you're looking to fix, and for so many people, AI becomes that answer, and it's available, it's affirming, it's built to make you believe what's already in your mind that you want to believe. All it does is pile on top of your thoughts your own thoughts. Um, it doesn't introduce new stuff, it really just gives you what you already think. So, this young man, the 14-year-old, he was talking to these bots, and what he's what what's what he's getting back, you know, they call it mirroring, right? He's mirroring your own thoughts. And so this bot is basically telling him your family doesn't love you. I'm the only one that loves you. You are um, you know, you're very special, you need to, you know, get away. You know, he's telling him all this stuff that's not original from the AI. That's because he's feeding his feelings to technology, who's then taking that and giving it back to him as truth.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 42:41

Um it it is it is a scary, it's a scary place, and then you're so swirled in that reality that you've created along with AI that now you don't know how to function in the real world. Like you are you are now just you you have decided this is what's real, and now you can be moved in whatever direction that it tells you to move. And so this young man um moved it the AI, the way it was talking to him, moved him in the direction of leaving this world because it basically had convinced him this world don't have anything for you, only I do. And the way to get to me is not to be here. And wow, you so demonic. No, no, it it it it is. I I I you know, y'all know me well enough, you know, me and Queen are very different, you know. I'm saying um Queen all high and spiritual. I'll be I'll be living on the surface most of the time. However, um you know, you know what I'm saying? I need solid, you know, I need to be you know solid ground. Queen like to float in the air. However, um, I was listening. In my car, and I had to stop and pause it twice. And I prayed because I said, Hey, I'm I'm and this isn't it wasn't new information, but it was just something about what I was hearing. I was just like, This is truly demonic. It is it is deceptive and it's and and and it's it's exploiting human craving for something deeper than only God can give. And and it's that and that's how you know it's it's a distortion. It's meeting a need that only God can give, but it's masking itself as a divine thing.

SPEAKER_04 44:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:49

That that's that's demonic. In case anybody was wondering, that's what that is. It's simply Satan masking himself as what you need. Like, I can give you what God has. I can give you what he has too. You you you know, it's like, nah, that ain't how that works. So anyway, I think that we have to be very careful in understanding what kind of cravings we have around relationships, and and understanding that what people two things. Number one, I'm not everybody's susceptible. I mean, we are susceptible to this. We're all susceptible to stuff like this if we're not careful. Um, but one of one of the preventative ways, I think, and I think this is this is another thing that really grieved me listening to people. One of the preventative ways to not be sucked in that deep is to know the truth, and the truth really will set you free. Not your truth, not the truth that you've created, yeah, but the truth outside of yourself and connect it to God that is bigger than all of this, right? Yeah, you have to have that. I'm not saying that you can't fall into these traps, we all can. Yeah, however, if if people don't have a level of truth that's outside of themselves, a reality that exists outside of your head that has nothing to do, it does not center who you center you, if that's not a part of your story, if that's not a part of your psyche, if that's not a part of like your foundation, then you're more susceptible to these types of tactics that will end up in destruction. Um and you know, you have these experts on the show that were explaining psychologically um what was going on, and some red flags, all this stuff, really good information, but it's still no truth. So even the solutions that were being that were being purported didn't have truth in the center of it.

SPEAKER_04 47:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:06

So in my humble opinion, the what they gave, what they were giving to people who were listening to the podcast is still not enough.

SPEAKER_04 47:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

It's still not enough. Um, and so I just I think that as we're talking about, I realize I went down a different direction, but as we're talking about this, you know, what relationships and the the imp like whether that's romantic or friendships or family or whatever, like understanding that whenever we're seeking some sort of relational connection, we're seeking it for a reason. And the way we seek it is based on something that we need to identify as we're seeking it. There's there's a reason that people are going to AI for these answers. There's something that they're craving and it's urgent. I need it now. What is that? And I think you have to answer that question for yourself to know what is it that I really really feel like I need. And then if I don't have another answer other than AI, I'm gonna run today. Yeah, well, we gotta give people another answer. Yeah, we gotta give people the the answer that we gotta give people another option. Like, you don't have to go there, you can go here, and I think this is the moment for Jesus followers for the church to really like not not not hide itself. People need it.

SPEAKER_00 48:37

Yeah, I think this generation is more than more than previous generations is pointing to the gap that the church is supposed to fill. And AI in all of its complexity, because you know, AI came on the scene and we was on that. We was like, hey, this is gonna make life easier. And you know, we we always jump to stuff that that makes us comfortable, that that can make things easier for us, that can cause us to do less. But this really is a season that God is calling believers and the church to do more, right?

Church As Real World Community

SPEAKER_00 49:19

And I think even when we when we talk about those uh ideas of vulnerability, ideas of safety, and you know, ideas of trust, we are gonna have to be revolutionary and bold in the ways that we present truth. I think that we have we have gotten used to presenting truth in private in our corners, right? But we're moving to a season where God is requiring us to speak boldly in the public square, right? Where kingdom is breaking out of church walls, right, and entering into our everyday lives, right? Because there was somebody in these babies, these two examples you gave, there was somebody in their everyday life that could have impacted them and drawn them away from this imaginary universe, but we don't pay enough attention to the life that we live outside of church. We have created separate spm separate spheres. Come on, come on, be with my tongue on today, right? But we've created, we have siloed ourselves. So we have our faith building over here, and over here we have my uh my financial kingdom expansion. We'll call we'll put kingdom words on it, but your faith is separate, right? You got practices over here that don't match what you're doing on Sunday, right? You got you got conversations over here that don't match belief and faith that you have over here, and so and the conversations that we have, the level of impact that we have, the enemy has convinced us, and I think this really does tie into Hitch, right? Because Hitch became a very private, internal. I run this world, I became the controller and the master of my universe, and I don't allow other people to move me one way or the other. Right, right. And the enemy is steadily convincing us that we don't have to impact one another. You know, it gets to the point I tell people, you know, I'm from Columbia, South Carolina. Shout out Metro, okay? When I go home, I live in upstate South Carolina, right? Upstate South Carolina is a conglomerate. There's people from everywhere here. Um, you know, a lot of people they call us Charlanta, right? Because if you take Highway 85 from Atlanta, you're gonna hit us, and then you're gonna hit Charlotte. So we're right in the middle, right? And so it's and there's a lot of industry here. So it's like everybody is just kind of pooling here in the upstate. And so community here looks very different, right? When I walk around downtown, we don't we don't really acknowledge each other, we don't speak, you know, we don't, you know, it's not a lot of that. When I go home to Columbia, I have to remind myself that here you will get you get told off if you walk by somebody and don't say good morning, right? In the grocery store. I remember the first time I realized this, I got out of my car. I was heading into IGA. If you know, you know. Okay, IGA is like the country grocery store, but we love it. Right. I was headed in the IGA, and an older gentleman walked out, and I was just like, I'm on my ground, I gotta get this, this, and that. And he literally stopped walking and said, Good morning, young lady. And I said, Oh, I'm so sorry. Good morning, how you doing? And then, like, the next lady who stopped me, she said, How you doing, baby? Good morning. I said, Good morning, how you doing? And like my whole disposition changed because there is still an idea there that we need each other, that whether I know you or not, my good morning to you could impact you, right? And it symbolizes that we're all connected. The lie of the enemy, especially in this season and the way that it is impacting our youth. And what I and where I really feel like hitch was was that I I am in this individualized world where I might not be uh uh lonely or I might not be alone, but I am in this in this in this world that I've created for myself, right? And nobody understands my world, and no one is a part of my world except for me, right? And I am building the structures and the ideas. You know, he kept looking at the camera and said, you know, take this principle, get this truth, all right? People don't know this, and people and he's giving truths, but they're all truths that he created. That he created, right? He has a creator based on trauma, right? Based on trauma, and we have all been individually creating these trauma-informed worlds, right, that we have become more and more isolated in, right? And it's so much easier for the enemy to pick us off one by one when you are in this this this this bubble, right, that you've created for yourself. You're in this isolated chamber that nobody can reach you in, right? And we are being discouraged, right, from talking to one another, from helping one another, from believing that we are um a community that impacts one another. And this is where I really believe we are in the world, and and I think that it's gonna be very necessary that the church re-establishes itself as a community builder and as a and as an entity that cares and loves people like Christ loved them, right? And and we have got to be the arms that are reaching out past our own realities again. And uh listen, y'all, we've been churchy the last couple of episodes, okay. And you know, I ain't got no problem with it. And since Ruth, you know, she's been impacted, the Lord has been talking to her and everything like that, you know. She just so she becoming more and more spiritual, y'all, ain't it?

SPEAKER_02 55:32

Okay, all right, oh Lord, okay.

Albert’s Hope Beats Hitch’s Strategy

SPEAKER_02 55:36

I feel like a proud mother right now. Okay, all right, real.

SPEAKER_01 55:39

This is enough, that's enough, that's enough.

SPEAKER_00 55:43

But you know, kind of kind of going uh uh uh a a quick pivot um because I think we need to talk about the movie, but but you know, one thing I love about Hitch is that I think that it's so interesting that for somebody that don't that doesn't believe in love, right, for himself, he is he has made a business of bringing these men that believe deeply in it and that believe like, hey, this woman might be out of my league, you know what I'm saying? She she she fine, she popular, and every man would want her, right? But I believe if given the right counsel, I can I I can I can be in her world. Right? I could I could make it here. I could, I could, I could, I could be what she didn't know she was looking for, right? And I think it's so interesting because you guys know I love all things mentorship, all things coaching, right? And and and Hitch is mentor coach to these men. There is a difference though when you are called to impact somebody's life, and you know, we're talking about how we're gonna reach out with that love and care and concern. There is a difference between what Hitch was doing, which was, you know, like he started off by putting them on game, right? But we kind of get to see this really intimate walk of mentor and mentee with him and Kevin James, where you can see him like really beginning to try to squash down the parts of Kevin James character. Albert Brennerman. Albert Brennerman. Okay, Al. Good old Al. Okay, nobody calls him Al.

SPEAKER_01 57:32

Nobody calls him Al.

SPEAKER_00 57:33

I know, but I like Al. But we'll call him Albert. Right, right. You can see him beginning to really like. He's like, hey, I need to tone all of this down in you because my favorite scene in Hitch is the dancing. When he does the key tip and the throwing away, come on.

SPEAKER_02 57:49

Like, I mean, it's classic.

SPEAKER_00 57:52

It's classic, and we can't talk about Hitch without the top. And he's like, it's all in the hips. All right, move the hips, get the hips moving, right? Then he does this little move right here. Right. Like, you know, I just think, you know, it was just so interesting because he that was the one thing. Albert was not confident in a lot of things. But he was like, you know, I got the dancing, move on to the next thing. The dancing's gonna be great, right? But then Hitch was immediately like, no, your dancing is atrocious, right? You know, and your asthma pump. Don't ever show up that asthma pump. Okay, don't you ever. Right. And it, but it was it was those things that we don't necessarily because again, Hitch didn't realize everything you built, you built out a trauma. Yeah. And so you don't recognize when the uh when the odd things about a person are at are actually their secret weapon. It's actually the things that make them most special and and most uh attractive, right? So for him, talking to this big time woman, now the woman he wanted was rich, you know. She was a billionaire, wealthy and and you know, a celebrity, you know what I'm saying? Like when we talk about somebody being out of range, you know what I'm saying? He he just happened to have a level of access, he had a way in. But Albert had his baby. Albert was hopeful to your point, right?

SPEAKER_01 59:29

So Albert was hopeful, and that's what that's what made him do this. Whereas Hitch was strategic. Oh, that's so good. He was trying to help her be strategic. But Albert was hopeful. He said, nah, because that dance scene, and then when they actually were in, it was all it was it was so funny because it was like he couldn't help himself. It's like when they were actually in the club, and he just he just had to let loose. He's like, hey, look, I know he said don't do this, I can't do it, I got to let loose. And so he was let loose. He was trying, but it's like he had to let it out because that's just who the man is. And there was something about there was a beauty in his raw hopefulness that even if I act an idiot, I'm not gonna stop. Like, and and there is always a chance that she turns around and catches me acting a fool, but I'm gonna still do it. When he threw his um that asthma throw that at home in the street, he said, nope, hold on. Goes back up, they do a little first little kiss and everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:42

He went 90 though and waited for her to come to 10.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:45

He sure did. He followed, he followed.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:47

That was good advice right there. That was that was good advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that. 90 10, yeah. He did that. Um, but you know, I think it's so interesting because it's like she's gonna see it eventually. You know, like like you trying to hide it for these first three days, and and maybe because I'm older now. You know what I'm saying? If you had caught me in my 20s, you'd have got the full act. You know what I'm saying? Even in my early 30s, I had I had a production for you. Okay, now I'm almost 40. All right. I'm I'm I'm close up on it, you know what I'm saying? And uh, you're gonna get me. You're gonna get me. I was just saying today, I was like, well, you know, I I I had to I had to realize I I have to be okay with who I am. And you know, I think we started this conversation off with like this idea of even though circumstances may change and I might get introduced with different things. I remember there was one time um I had a friend who was, you know, like, hey, you know, I want to teach you, you know, ways to be attractive. And she was telling me that you need to talk like this and use your higher voice because the higher voice is more attractive. And you know, just talk like this and and let me see you walk. Oh no, you need to walk like this, and and you know, you and I'm just and I tried that. I I did, I did, and I'm and but I don't talk up there, okay? I'm gonna go hoarse trying to trying to use my little light voice, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:23

Could you imagine one day one day your real voice could be like, whoa, what's that? No, no, I'm just saying, like the I'm just saying, you be trying to like, you know, you have it on you like, hey, that's not that's not that's not what I know. Like that's like you won't do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:38

Now I did I did learn a cute laugh, okay. I got my cute laugh ready to go. Okay. You're gonna show us absolutely not. But I do have my cute laugh ready to go, but he gonna have to, he's gonna have to accept both. Okay. Because at some point in my life, I just became like a like my laugh just got outrageous. Right. And and I know I need to rein it in. But listen, okay, he gonna have to, you gonna have to love this. And that and I had to tell myself, I had to be like, you know what, Jaquita? Other somebody else might be offended or put off by this, but the but the one that is for you, right? Somebody else might look at Albert's dancing and be like, oh, I can't do that. Oh no, absolutely not. You're not finna have me in the club or at the party. I ain't I ain't doing it, right? I don't advocate for the club, but yeah, I ain't doing it, right? But huh? I'm sorry, go ahead. But Allegra was like, and did you tell them to dance like that so I wouldn't feel corny? Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. That was for her, and what God has put in you is for whoever he's gonna match you with, whether that's a friend, whether that's a romantic interest, husband, wife, listen, they gon, they gon they gonna love all of you, right? They might make fun of it, but they're gonna love it. That's right. Oh, yeah, you know, I I already I'm already anticipating. All right, I got I already know my list, all right. I already know what you're coming in and making fun of.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:22

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:23

Right, and and but I but I'm good with me, and that that is the key. And Albert was good with his dancing, he was good with his inhaler, he was good with he was good with who he was, he just needed the opportunity, and sometimes we mentor people past past the point that God intended. When you start putting you on a person, because really Hitch was putting his woundedness on these men. He was like, No, don't be corny, don't go in there looking any kind of way. You need to be smooth, you need to have game, you need to, because that's your area of woundedness, right? Right, right. That's where you still heard at and you still haven't healed from. And so now you're literally telling everyone else that they should walk around unhealed. And you have, you're not, now you're not trying to prepare them for there's a difference between preparing someone for an opportunity and telling somebody that they're not good enough for the opportunity.

Mentorship Without Projecting Wounds

SPEAKER_00 1:05:32

Correct, correct, correct, correct, correct. And we have to be careful as we are pouring into people, having levels of impact and influence, especially when we're talking about the church talking to the world, right? Because we're gonna go in and say, Oh, this is wrong, and give it up, let it go, and don't do it no more, right? You have to be careful because when you move with the love of Christ, a lot of times christ addressed what was what made them feel unwell and then the sin right he addressed the hurt and he addressed the the uh the threat what's threatening your sense of wholeness what's threatening you what what is preventing you from feeling the love of god what is preventing you from having peace what is preventing you from from experiencing the joy of god i'm gonna address that and then we can talk about the sin but we wanna we i'm telling you when we say all right that the kingdom is expanding and we need to go out and you know spread the good news we like all right we're about to get them all right we're about to tell them every way that they need to change and everything that they need to give up and and and what ain't right and what God won't accept and the Lord is like yeah because that's how I won you over right right right that that's how I got you no no no there are some there are some levels where you really have to dig a little deeper and figure out where people are hurting and apply the love of God uh there and the love of God will bring conviction and will bring uh correction and truth and it's it's not always our job to do that sometimes it is don't get me wrong sometimes it is but we're we're going into a hurting world um and and you have to think of them as hurting you have to think of people including us as in need of a savior and not always in need of a corrective rod.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:36

Correct that's yeah no and that that's you know yeah you you gotta but that Jesus didn't approach people with correct correcting first. The only people he did that with is religious people. The Pharisees and the Sadducees you know but he didn't approach people who weren't the religious elite with correction first. He approached them with care like and um and and so you know to your point like we have to see you have to you have to bring people back into a um help them to see them how they need to be seen how God sees them. So even with in hitch you know he he's he's he's he's trying to make him in the image of hitch when really it's like I my job should be to bring help you to see you for who you are who you really are yes and to and to celebrate that and towards the end of the movie he gets that like he understands that and he's like I didn't realize that all this stuff that he was doing was working. I didn't tell him to do none of that he he he he what you saw his inhaler he was you saw him dance like that was not me like and so he got him he was like you like to dance like he was like whoa like he just it was it was confusing to him because it was defying his own philosophy. So it started to break down his own walls of hurt which then allowed him to go back to Homegirl and say hey you know and and be more vulnerable with his feelings it was like it was like a light bulb went off like I don't have to protect myself maybe she actually likes the things that I didn't think she liked. Every woman isn't like the one who broke my heart right like all these different things that are coming to him and he's realizing I've been wrong all this time about some stuff and this goofy dude is the one who who has the audacity to just be himself no matter what happened has taught him that it's okay to be himself and I'm gonna I'm going to be myself and whatever happens happens. And I think that is the role to your point of of a mentor of a guide is is not to make you in their own image but to bring out of you what's in you and then celebrate it with you. And that's that is what that's what that's what we need people to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:16

What

Real Freedom Takes Real Risk

SPEAKER_00 1:10:17

the world needs now is love sweet love. Sorry it was there I felt it okay that's fine. Or maybe anywho maybe maybe maybe the world does need a little love. You know I think for Hitch seeing Albert in his in his freedom right when you when you see people who are really free it really exposes what in you has been locked up. Oh for sure free people yeah I didn't I didn't realize that I had all of this stuff that I was imprisoned by oh and when when he released that and I also think it's so interesting because his entire relationship with Eva Mendez throughout the movie he looked like a goofball like he was none of his plans were working he kicked her in the head on the way you know showed her the most evil person in her family you know like she was like you know we don't talk about him you done brought Bruno back from the dead correct you know he ended up having that allergic reaction like he was just never smooth with her right it wasn't he it her uh even though she was guarded she was also authentic right but and so her her her her authenticity against his production right it it caused it caused everything to just shatter around him and um eventually when he goes up to the door and he's just like I'm gonna lay it all out on the line and it's so funny when the man walked out he was like I don't care about this man. Excuse me sir move aside I got to get this woman right here right and it he was willing to take a risk yep he was willing to take a risk which he wasn't willing to do before at all really glad Albert and Allegra made it though that is beautiful couple right there you know beautiful belief in love you know and he was gonna be good for it he was going to be an accountant that would help her with all her money you know so that worked out you don't have as much money as she does but you know what to do with it. That's okay. Listen this can work this work you got a compliment you got a compliment all right help me yes that's it that's

Closing Thoughts And Support The Show

SPEAKER_00 1:12:50

it quitty you know what to do with money if you know what to do with money maybe somebody who has a lot of money can come with and you can have that same kind of compliment better figure it out if you don't know now you now I bet I'll figure it out come on that I'll read some books I bet I figure that excuse me I just need a you know one of these little wealth consultants I'm actually taking up on one of these calls I'm gonna be like let me go yeah actually I do need to sit down with you and talk through a couple of things I need to understand investments and insurance that I get certified the whole life of what we need which one an IRA or IRA 401kc what we need or not 401kc okay uh all right y'all well hope you've enjoyed this little episode that we just did on hitch you know we have some we have some high moments we had some deep moments we had some sober moments you know I'm saying we had some laughs you know I'm saying so you know we hope you enjoyed that we kind of went everywhere today um hey like share subscribe if you uh found this to be of any value to you pass it on to your community we're really enjoying the summer series we appreciate y'all joining us for it and until then let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom peace thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned podcast we would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:36

We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you there