Stop Arguing and Start Listening: Let's FINALLY Fix Our Communication!

Welcome And Middle Adulting

0:02

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, everybody? And welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast. I am your host with Abigail, a K-A-R-A. What's up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita. And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom. My Lord. All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. How are you on this wonderful uh I don't know, what's today? Tuesday evening. Listen, we're out here middle adulting. Okay. Uh it's the end of the semester, so the my calendar is full. Okay. Calendar is filled up, right? I forgot what day last day of class was. I had to go look at it. I was like, it's Friday. Hallelujah. And thank you. That's your last day of class? Last day. Well, my last day of class was yesterday. Amen. Yeah. And so we we we're closing out the semester. Uh, you know, let me tell y'all something. You know, somebody talked to me the other day about getting a PhD, and and I had to muster up some excitement. And I was like, yeah, you should absolutely do it. Okay, listen. All right. If it's for you, it's for you. You know, I was like, Don, y'all need to ask me these questions when I'm done. Okay, don't ask me these questions right now because I'm gonna steer everybody away. All right, but I had to remember in that moment that I'm a destiny builder and not someone who tears down dreams. Okay. There you go. There you go. That's beautiful, Queen. I like that you're a destiny builder. I'm a destiny killer. I'm a dream killer. I'm okay with killing a dream. Everybody doesn't need to do everything, you know what I'm saying? All right, today. So we're talking about communication. Whoever. Ruth Abigail is about to dig herself in a hole. Am I my sister's keeper? Yes, I am. We're gonna pivot right on up out of there. Okay, I want you to know Ruth Abigail is a wonderful leader who cares about her people. I do and everything that they have going for themselves and in every way that the Lord wants to build up their lives. Um, but we are indeed talking about communication. And you know, Ruth, I think, okay, so listen. I have hired a lot of people in my days. I have mentored and coached a lot of people, supervised a lot of people, you know, in my, you know, especially in these middle adult years. When I turned 36, I was like, hey, everybody, settle down, settle down. All right. I'm here to teach you some things. But, you know, I think one thing that I have had to be very aware of is that people, communication is not just about saying the right things. It is really about understanding people where they're coming from, what their perspective is, why they're communicating the way that they are, so that you can try to get on a similar page. And

Communication Is Two-Way Work

3:05

it's something that you have to do in every relationship, right? Like you don't get to just have this is my style of communicating with people, and just communicate with everyone the same way. As you go deeper and deeper in relationships, you and that person have to build up your communication in a way that suits the two of you. Um, and so I think that I have learned in leadership, in friendship, in all relationships, as a minister, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a whatever, I have had to learn how to both work to understand people as well as making myself understood. Right. A lot of times we assume that people should just understand us because you know, I get me. Why don't you get me? But you have to actually work to be understood. Uh so uh I this is a um I majored in this, you know. I'm saying communications. I just want uh, you know, Quita be talking about her her expertise and everything like that. She be throwing that out there. I'd like to throw this out there, you know. Um, no, I'm just joking. I'm I wouldn't consider myself an expert, but I didn't know. I forgot that you majored in communications. You didn't have to say that out loud. Like I feel like that was an unnecessary statement. Dang, Quita. Yeah, I majored in communications. Rita Abigail, most people knew you were a music major. Nobody communications was really just a past the time because I didn't have I needed more than music. Anyway, so I I I I loved one of the things that I I love about communications though, I actually took this book home. It's called The Art of the Of Rhetoric. And um just you know, and our we went to Furman University. Um so we didn't actually our communications classes were a little different than most other uh communications uh programs at other schools. We really focused on rhetoric and the art of words and messaging. Um and so one of the things that I learned about it was number one, communication is a it is a two-way street, but also words begin everything. So like everything was started with words. So the first in the beginning was the word. I knew you would pick it up because I didn't have to, I knew eventually she would pick it up. Yes, but I think the thing that I am fascinated with is that before everything begins with words, but what begins before your words is your is what's in your head. So and people's brains function differently, which makes their words come out differently, which often moves people differently. So I think when we understand where people are coming from and naturally wired, it will help us to understand why they communicate verbally how they communicate, and then how that verbal communication translates into action for themselves and for others. Um and that process is happening all the time, 24-7, every single day, to everyone you're with. And that it and it's such a fascinating uh phenomenon to me, like because when we look at these major things that are happening that happen in our world, we can trace it all back to words. Every single one of them began there, and then you can trace those words back to a human brain that that that process something in a unique way to then get words out to have people move and do something. I think it's so interesting that when you you know, I love the way that you are are linking communication and words, because I think a lot of how we understand ourselves, how we understand our understand people is about how you have received and internalized words, and then how you then put put out words into the universe. Like that is our greatest form of output is our language, yeah, you know, and the ways that we speak to each other. Um, and I and I I love that when we think about communication and when we think about um how we are all communicating with each other and how we how we're both again receiving and internalizing that communication and then outputting

Intent Versus Impact In Real Life

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that communication, you know, there's a lot of room for things to go wrong. Oh man. You know, there's a lot of room for misinterpretations, there's a lot of room for that's not what I really meant. And I think a lot of times what people get confused with is intent versus impact. Yeah. Right? I intended to communicate one thing, but because of the way I said it, or because of the way that my words landed, it had a different impact than I may have intended. And a lot of times you are not dealing with the fallout of your intent. You are dealing with the fallout of the impact. That's right. And I think what we want to try to help with today is how can we soften some of the impact that we're having on people. And really all it takes is for us to be more mindful, more decisive, and more aware. Um, and you know, we talk a lot on the show because as middle adults, it is important to have a great deal of self-awareness. But when you talk about emotional intelligence, right, I always tell people there's four tiers, right? There's the self-knowledge portion where you are growing in self-awareness and then you grow in self-management. But once you get past self-awareness and self-management, you are supposed to become socially aware, right? You're supposed to be able to pick up on what's happening in a room or what's happening in an organization or what's happening in a family or in a group of people, and you are supposed to take your self-aware, self-managed self into that situation and cause things to be better. You're supposed to be able to sort things out. As a leader, you have to be able to both uh to both take in what's happening in your organization and then help to manage it. That's emotional intelligence, is your ability to be socially aware, to be aware of how, of what's happening within your group of people and what's happening within your organization, and then to help to manage it. Um, and and that might mean you having to step into conflict. That might mean you having to recommunicate ideas that may have been communicated before, but some but somewhere down the line it got missed. And so I think that it's important. Um, as a baseline, I think you need to know where you're starting, but then you also need to be aware of who you're leading and where they're coming from. And friends, that is the work that we're hoping to introduce you to today. So, full disclosure, this is Quita's. Quita is gonna introduce to some uh concepts, right? A book that she loves. What um, and so I am less familiar with this, but here's what I thought could be fun. I just came up with this just now. Um we're gonna play a game. Well, I don't know about a game, but we're just going to see. Okay, so we're gonna describe some things, and I'm gonna take an attempt at describing it. And Queen is gonna tell me whether or not I'll write. Oh, that's so cute. I love it. That is adorable. That is adorable. Because I, like you, have probably you, I don't know, maybe you have, but many of you may have never heard of this before. And so I'm gonna attempt to be the, you know, the the I am the novice, but I'm going to communicate as the novice,

Life Languages Book And Framework

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and then the expert is going to correct the novice, all right, on uh what I think these things might mean and implicate. Precious. Let's work. All right, cool. Yes. So hold on, why don't you introduce the book? Okay, yeah, let me do a general introduction. Okay, so friends, listen, you have heard of the love languages, but have you ever heard of the life languages? Speaking of love, this is a book by Fred and Anna Kendall. Don't worry about why my book is so weathered and torn, okay? Don't worry about it because I I get down with this one. Okay, I read it from cover to cover. Um, I was introduced to this book at the church I was attending to in Nashville. He actually had the authors come and speak to us. And after they spoke about it, I went in the hallway. I went in the vestbule, if you will, and I bought the book. I was like, I need that. Um, and most of you may know I'm a personality enthusiast. Okay. I like all things personality, all things uh assessment, all things that are gonna give me more knowledge and understanding about how I work, how people work, how groups work. This book, what is so fantastic about it, and um I uh I I know I'm really selling it. I don't even know if you can buy this book anymore, and I apologize if I'm amping it up, and I I think you can get you a copy on Amazon or eBay or something, you know. Look at one of them used bookstores and get this because they've kind of changed the program a little bit, and I still get down with the book. Okay, it's called Speaking of Love, and it's it's actually uh life languages, um, uh ways that we communicate um who we are and how we and how we operate and how we are systematically wired to to navigate life in different ways, right? So the system, there are seven life languages. They're broken up into three categories. You have your emotive uh life languages, there's two of those. Then you have your cognitive life languages, there are three of those, and then you have your kinetic life languages, and there are two of those, right? And so our emotive life languages are going to Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, all right, all right. See, she also just for a note, Joyce said the book is $28 on Amazon limited stock order soon. You want this, okay? Trust me, you want this. Uh, okay, so emotive. For those of you that are not sure what that means, it means emotional, okay? And so it's gonna be fun. Okay, so we have all right, so like she said, there's two of them in there, all right. So in this category, these are people who typically feel first and communicate that and communicate how they feel first. Is that is that right? Okay, yeah. Um, and so the two that are in that category are responder and an influencer. Spoiler alert, Quita is an influencer. She definitely, but that, but, but, and she'll break it down a little bit, like influencers kind of think and feel at the same time. Is that true? Uh-huh. Yes. Okay. And responders typically feel first. So what we want you to do is try to find yourself in these

Emotive Speakers Responder And Influencer

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languages and really kind of like think, okay, is could this be me? And what are some of the ways in which I see this show up in the way I communicate? Perfect. So when you thank responders, right? These are the and and I want you to really situate, right? These are people who, when they are faced with a situation or when they are encountering something and they're trying to understand that situation, they are processing through their emotions first. Are they going to feel the emotions of other people in the room first? Responders are top tier at this. Usually, people, when they think of responders, they think of people who are pastoral in nature, people who are empathetic, who are um really connected to uh empathetic people, you know, uh people who say, Oh, I'm an empath, right? I just feel everyone's feelings, right? And I'm always processing feelers, right? Those people are normally responders. They are going to feel first, right? They're gonna feel the emotions in the room, they're gonna feel what everybody else might be feeling, and they can describe in greater detail than maybe some of the other uh categories what people are feeling, right? So when they're communicating, they are communicating in an emotive language, right? I just I feel like this is heavy. I feel like we need, you know, like that. The people are despondent, are sad. I feel like people are angry, right? I feel right, they're gonna communicate in a way that seems to always be pointing to the feelings and the emotional responses that are in the room. That is really, really true of the responder, right? So they can be affectionate, they have unconditional acceptance, they really value harmony and nurturing, right? And so kind of different from me, which I'm an influencer because we are feeling and thinking kind of simultaneously, right? So we're a little bit more expressive of uh in a we tend to intellectualize our feelings a little bit. And so when we're communicating, we're gonna we might talk about feelings, but we're gonna do it in a way that's gonna be really interconnected with our thinking, right? And it's gonna be a long time before we act, right? So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, go ahead. Yeah. All right. For those of you who are just listening, I just gave her a death stare. Yep. Okay, cuz hush your mouth now. Hush your mouth. But influencers, when we're talking, we're very charismatic, very enthusiastic, very dynamic, right? And so we get people caught up in our energy so that they might not ask too many questions about why we're not doing nothing, right? Because everybody's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great, this is great, right? Because we are encouragers, right? We are um, and what I love about this book, and again, $28 on Amazon worth every dollar, okay? Because they I I didn't even know they still were printing these. So if you can get it, go get it. Um, and it might be cheaper on like a Kindle or something like that. But the thing about the thing that I love about this book is that for each type, they give a spiritual archetype, right? And I think for the responder, it is the good Samaritan, right? Like somebody who's they're gonna respond to the needs of the people. Um, but it's it's really very much like emotive. Like when we think of the good Samaritan, we think, man, that's a good person who responds to the needs of people. That's a responder. A uh, who am I an influence? Influencer, yep. Thank you. No problem. Appreciate it. Middle of dope, right? An influencer is really uh my spiritual archetype is Peter, right? It is, you know, charismatic, you know, might jump the gun, you know, right? But but was really was really always talking, always had something to say because he was thinking and feeling at the same time. And so sometimes the stuff that was coming out of his mouth, it wasn't fully processed yet, right? Like because it was both his feelings and his emotions being processed together. And so I tell people I am an extroverted thinker, meaning that I think as I talk. So when I communicate, you're getting it fresh off the dome. I have not sat down and processed these thoughts yet, right? These are my thoughts that are happening in real time. Yeah. Right. And so um a lot of times, and I think it's important, you know, because there's probably a lot of action-oriented people, a lot of cognitive people who are out there planning their work and working their plan, okay, and who are very, you know, intentional about, you know, communicating their thoughts and their ideas or are move, move, move, hustle, hustle, you know, hustle culture, you know, like, oh, I'm just moving out and, you know, mom booked and busy and I'm doing this, this, and that. Right. And and a lot of times when we talk about the emotive languages, right, they can get looked down on until you need us. Okay. Until somebody actually does need to be counseled, right? Until somebody does need to be walked through their emotions and how their emotions have created the hindrance in their life. You've been suppressing them emotions, right? And not thinking through them emotions. And now you need somebody who specializes in emotional communication. Right. And so, yeah, it's it's tough. Go ahead. Being as not again, if you're if you're listening and not watching, I just rolled my eyes. You know, I felt the need to narrate that. But you know, I think it's important to note that everybody, when you when we're talking to each other, even I'm an influencer, I think we just uh confirmed that joy is a responder, right? Like joy, joy is gonna be the first one if you have a need. Joy, joy is the person I call when I'm like, I just want to talk about my feelings. I just want I just want to sit, I want to talk about my feelings, and I want to I want to be cuddled in my feelings, I don't want to be challenged. You know, joy will challenge me, but joy will fill my feelings with me, and that helps me to express my feelings, right? And so I don't do that with Ruth Abigail. I don't call Ruth Abigail to express my feelings. What? What? Why would I do that? Right. And so when you are again, that's what I'm saying. When you're building these communication relationships with people, you're going to people for different things. I think it's important that we build some premises about why, right? Like, why is it so easy to talk to Joy about my emotions and my feelings? It's because she is natural at being able to speak an emotive language, yeah. Right. Whereas Ruth Abigail is much more cognitive. Yes.

Cognitive Speakers Strategist Contemplator Giver

21:30

Yes, that's a good segue there. All right, let's get to the cognitive people. Get in there because uh that is me. So cognitive, big word for thinking. Okay. So we, those of us in this category, uh, communicate our thoughts first, and we understand our thoughts first. We usually act on our thoughts first. Uh-huh. Uh, then we we so we we we have thoughts and then we typically act and then we feel. So feeling. is the last on that totem pole for those of us who for some for some for some for some for me um and so I I that's definitely me uh I so like uh I so I I think to to to quit his point to me from for me one of the things that I've learned to um recognize that I need to uh I have to intentionally um I guess uh allow in my communicative space is when people use language like I feel this I feel like that it does it just especially when I feel like it's followed by something that can be that that has a data point because now it's like well how how come you have to just feel it can't you know it like can't you just can't you just say I think or I I this is like but but I understand like that is just it is a it is a way of communicating that is different. And for a long time it bothered me when people used to do that. It just graded my nerves like what is all this feeling for like why are we communicating that way this is not a feeling some of this stuff is actually true or can't be proven so stop saying it who cares so like I mean but that was that's my my my issue one of my problems is sensitivity is something I have to grow in uh see why I don't talk to Ruth Abigail about my feelings if y'all if y'all could tell I apologize but uh I I think that understanding those who are emotive and having two best friends who fall into that category um has challenged me as a cognitive person because I have to I'm challenged to not just feel my feelings but feel theirs and respond to their feelings not just with my thinking um because that doesn't always translate well. And like Queda said it's not always time for that. And so like my thinking is not always welcomed at certain moments in the conversation. And I I it's hard for me to understand why, but understanding who they are helps me to do that. So a lot of times I keep my mouth shut uh because it's like that's just not I can't I'm not gonna I feel like what I'm about to say is not about to be received well because we're not there. You know what I mean? I will say one Joy and I both really appreciate your trying and it has been noted through the years and there have Joy is throwing up a heart sign for Ruth Abigail right now because she feels that deep in her soul um but I I I I want to I want to challenge a little bit of what you said because I think that there is a healthy balance right and I know that you that you you're not saying I don't ever respond and I don't ever give but I just want for our audience when we're thinking about how we are approaching people and we're having different languages and we're commun and and naturally you're gonna communicate in a way right relationship is about give and take and relationship is about realizing that we need each other. Right and that there is a level I mean Ruth Abigail and I and Joy we're we're not best friends for no reason right and Ruth and I spent you know the first how many every at least four at least four years of our lives trying to change each other. Like at least at all all of the college years we were like I am in your life to change you and to be more like me. Yeah to make you more like me and I I think that what we have learned through the years is that I need you as a buffer to me right because you help me to uh to understand where I where I have not developed yet right you you have to be around people who are different than you so that you can develop other sides of you I'll never be as cognitive forward as Ruth Abigail but if I allow her to impact my life that side of me can be developed yeah right and so it is necessary but it has to be developed with respect to who I am and with respect to what I need. And where we where we mess up in communication with one another a lot of times and I'm by no means trying to make myself the communication expert here. So this is very much a conversation and not a dialogue. But I think that where we mess up a lot of times in communicating is that we feel like the only way we can be successful in communication is if I help you to be like me. Right. I need to I need to communicate to you who I am what I need and why I need it. Like you should be able to communicate that to the people you're close to. You should be like hey listen this is how I function this is what that might look like and how that might appear in different situations. And this is what I need from you when I'm when I'm in this space or when I'm in that space and I've done enough studying of myself to know here are some reasons why let me give you some historical context and background so that you don't think that I built myself in a vacuum. Right? And so you have to be able to give people context um and so I I in no means think that it's ever necessary for any of us to to completely become new people or become different people. No but I do think that we have to become better people. Yeah um and and better means allowing people to challenge you. And so you know for Ruth Abigail we had to challenge Ruth Abigail hey you're gonna have to respect these emotions because I'm not changing who I am as an emotive first person. Yeah actually mine is kind of like right in the middle because again I emote and think at the same time but my thinking is also emotive so you know but it is it is very much emo it is very much cognitive in a way that I'm like huh let's think about our feelings you know not let's think about serious things you know yeah and so I think it's respect man it is it is and you have to respect people and I you have to like like she was saying you you can't you can't seek to change them and it it really is or seek to um uplift or uh yeah uplift or s or see you as above so I think like that is that is something that I've definitely had to grow in is like even if I do understand people who feel I have tend I tended to put them on a lower scale because I because it's like yeah that's what y'all do but you know when you get up to my level you'll think more like you know I'm saying and that that that's really in my immaturity that's how I was yeah and I and I think a lot of I think that can be the case for people who are underdeveloped even in their in whatever area this is if you're underdeveloped in these languages you will tend to devalue the others that you aren't and be like hey I understand you yeah but I'm constantly looking down on you even though I say I understand it. And so the so the three that are in this cognitive speed space the the first one is a strategist the next one contemplator and the next one is a giver. And so I I am a strategist I believe from everything that I've understand about this I think that's where I fall think act feel um and then the contemplator thinks and feels at the same time then they act and then it kind of like the same as the influencer except it's like flipped. I'm just saying that right um and then a giver typically thinks and then feels and acts at the same time. So I'll let Quida break all that down but I think like I I I I just I it's see how see how I I even you can hear it in our language I say I think all the time I'm listening to myself do this. Whereas Quida if you notice will say I feel like all the time and and a lot of times we are communicating similar things but it's coming from two different places. And and so when we understand that and I understand she's it's just her it's just a different way of saying something that I'm I'm kind of coming to but I'm coming at it and coming to it from a different lens. Yeah but you but the outcome a lot of times we can end up in the same place it's just a different pathway towards it. But see that is what has been the thread of our friendship. Yeah we have always you know I've I was talking to somebody and they were like you know you and Ruth Abigail must be really similar and I said huh huh me and Ruth like you know because I think we have built this friendship on the basis of we are very different people. Right but I think you're absolutely correct we often come to the same conclusions. We do like we and we often think and and believe some of the same things and especially when it comes to talking about leadership identity development uh anything anything involving just leading people and developing people and and becoming better people ourselves right those are things that as we talk through it we're like oh we're really aligned on this but we are coming at it like you said from completely different perspectives. Yeah and I think that that is where you said something so key and I'm gonna get to these archetypes in a minute but you said something so key in that you at one point were waiting you were like all right yeah but when you get to where I'm at you'll think more right and that is what we that is what we as people in general do to people. Yeah we say okay yeah you know they just not where I'm at they not going through what I'm going through they're not experiencing things at the level that I'm experiencing so they can still operate in this elementary way while I the superior will am having to you know use my logic and reason right and I think it's the judgment that we have of one another that prevents us from seeing the true beauty and gift that we are to each other. Agreed. And and we both I mean and I'm not saying that that that's a cognitive thing I had to get over that too because as a emotive first person I was really like see she don't get the flow of the spirit because she thinking too much you know I you know like I feel like I can better flow with with with the spirit because you know the spirit is just following you know yes it makes sense but you know it's all hunches and gut feelings and yeah you know I'm I'm I'm with Jesus you know and and there was a level of high high high high criticism that I had um all right Ruth take your time here now take your time take your time right um but there and and I had to get over that I had to get over that anywho all right so the cognitive archetypes I'm gonna run through these quickly the strategists these are people who are these are your visionaries these are often the people who I think are going to be like at the head of organizations because they are the people pointing the way forward and they do that a lot of times by being problem solvers by being able because they are thinking first right and they are not muddying their thinking with the other elements right and so I think what's really important to know about all these archetypes is what people need time for. Right a lot of times we try to rush people

Space And Safety For Hard Talks

34:40

through their process right but if you're a responder you need time to feel don't come and try to explain my feelings to me and tell me that this is what I need to be doing and give me a list of actions and and here's how you can solve this problem if you just do X, Y, and Z. You have to allow them time to feel their feelings right you have to allow a strategist time to think through everything that they're experiencing because this is how they are literally making sense of what's happening on the inside of them right they are they are going they're gonna sit they're gonna think they're gonna journal they're they're going to process it right and we have to give people time to do that. And so it's important as you are communicating with people what are you giving people time to do it's important that you know that. Yes right for me you got to give me time I I I'm gonna intellectualize things at first and you're gonna be like man that sounds really good but if you really know me you need to get me to my feelings that's right like you you need to get me to like Jaquita you ain't that smart brush all that away what are you really feeling yeah okay now because it it is not until I process my feelings that I'll be ready to move. That's right and ready to act right and but I'll thank you all day. I'll be like hey but listen because when the da da da happen and then da da da da da da right and so you have to know what you're giving people time to do right and so a contemplator right their thinking and their feeling is also in a well but in a much more uh intellectual uh contemplative way right they are gonna be more kind of internal processors right whereas I'm very much an external processor they're gonna be much more of an internal processor and so they might not readily communicate their thoughts and feelings to you right it's not it's not gonna come out as quickly or as easily right you're you're going to have to give them time to one figure out what it is that they want to communicate and then provide a safe space for them to communicate that in right and so I think what we're trying to express here and what we're trying to uh give you just a foundation to be able to do is to know what is it that we need to do for people to feel safe with us in communication. Yeah because I think that's the biggest thing a lot of times I think um what you were you were my my father is a contemplator mm-hmm he is that guy and I I said that like I know him really well like yeah well I mean you know he is and uh it's funny because um there's a there's a very different that we we're we're we're in the same category but we we really are very different in this way and and when you were talking the the thing that uh kind of I'm I'm sitting here picturing when he hears something that moves him he and and you could tell he's thinking and feeling at the same time this what he does he'll do that I've witnessed this and like you can and I just and when you as you were talking I'm sitting here like man that's that is so like if you find yourself really feeling something but you're thinking about like it's like it's hitting your head as much as it's hitting your your heart like it's just like this this thing and you almost there are no words you don't know what to say yet but it's doing something inside of you and one thing that I have made the mistake of you know because this is the first contemplator I could think of in my life is require words at a moment where that's not what he has. And and and I've I've noticed that. And so it's like because my words come pretty quick because I'm a thinker and I know how to I'm verbalizing it and I've you're an external thinker. Yeah yeah and so I'm I'm I'm I'm a verbal person like I'm gonna talk to you I want to I want to think it out that's not who he is and that's not typically contemplators like they are not they are thinking deeply but feeling deeply their words are not there. And so even when there are um high uh you know highs and lows in their personally in their life I have again made the mistake of requiring words when that's not what they have to give. And feeling like they're holding back and it's like they're not holding back they're just going through their process they need time. Yeah um and then a lot of times words are few and they're very pointed and clear but few. Yeah. And it's like you get what you get don't ask for no more this is what I got this what I've given you. I also think it's important to note and I'm not getting this from the book I'm just getting this from my experience um but I'm pretty sure yep if I read through it. Yep yep yep yep yep okay so in this book there is a chart this is what we're referencing here and the chart gives you uh three major uh character descriptions um kind of the order of how they're thinking feeling and acting uh what they need from partners and from people they're in close relationships with it also gives you the three levels of distress and warning signals and as you were talking I was like I bet the contemplator when they are in distress they will withdraw completely. Yes right and if you keep demanding like I need words why won't you communicate with me? Tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me it says that they will uh feel rejected and unloved or goes to other extremes and feel smothered pushes others away withdrawals and uh may abuse by isolating right you are going to send them into their cocoon yeah right and they can get stubborn in that thing right like they done you can't love them back out as quickly as you as you push them in. Right right like and so I think that as you are navigating dealing with people who may be um at different levels of communicating and and and and are communicating in different ways you gotta know who you're talking to man know those whom you labor among you gotta you gotta it it it takes a a high level of maturity to be able to say okay I I like to express myself and but I realize that expression is not going to be your first response and I'm gonna give you space and contemplators require a lot of space a lot of space they I I know a few contemplators in my life as well right and they require a lot of space yeah and they may not sit down and reason with you right they may not sit down and say all right let's let's understand this thing together right they may have to go away and figure their stuff out and then come back to the table and say this is what I got here's what you have and it's it's gonna be at a much lower level they not finna do all that gibber jabber we not finna do the yelling and the going back and forth and the chaos and they not finna do it. Yeah right because that that is overwhelming to them right because again while you are overcommunicating you are also over stimulating because they're trying to think they're doing all of their internal processing while you are launching stuff at them. Yeah right you you are just hitting them jab after jab after jab and they're trying to catch everything you're throwing at them and they're not ready to express it. And so I think the first thing we can do is we can believe people you know I'm saying when they tell you what they need yeah if they tell you hey I'm just gonna need some space to really sit down and and really understand how I'm feeling and how I'm navigating this I just need like leave me alone I just need I just need I just need 10 minutes. You need to give people that 10 minutes but it's it's easier to do when you understand why they need it. You know I'm coming to revelation now again yeah take your time I I think I I have a kid who's like that who's a contemplator and I I I do I do I do I definitely do and and that is that man that and that's that can be tough because especially with children because sometimes like because I think and I love what you said like believe them because we don't believe children very often we don't we say I'll tell you what you need exactly right right right right right like you you don't yeah you don't have you don't get Voice. Um, and it's like, no, they they will tell you what it is that they need. You may not like it, like, and you might be like, you know, because we're we have so much control over their space and environment and schedule that it's like you need to stay, you need to keep up with me. But then they really are, they are, and of course they're underdeveloped because they're children, but they need what they need too. Yeah. And if you respect what your children need and try to locate them in this in this life languages universe, I think your communication with them would be easier, will become easier and more understandable. Like, and their communication with you, to your point you said earlier, the safety they feel, I think you'll find that they will they will be more, they will find more safety in being able to communicate with you when you give them what they need by understanding who they are and how they communicate. And so if you have a contemplator as a kid, and you ask them what's wrong, and they say nothing, or they say, I don't know. Don't push them, let it go. My tendency is to push, my tendency is to be like, no, no, no, no, like no, no, no, think about it, man. Come on, come on, come on. Like, I and I and I've done it, I'm totally guilty of doing it. But it's like, no, just leave it alone. And it bothers me because it's like, no, I want to know now, because I want to think about what he's what's what's going on, and then I want to be prepared to do what I gotta do. But that's that's not that's not that's not where he's at. I also think what can be helpful is creating a shared language um and giving people the tools to communicate in different ways, right? Like, and so uh I I I'm a big fan of that emotional wheel, you know. Like if you don't have the language, find it. What on this wheel are you feeling right now, right? Because I think it's important for him and for all children to know how to name, right, what it is that they're feeling, and and because so that they can begin to understand and continue to explain what it is that they need, right? Because the more he can explain it to you, the more you'll be like, okay, yeah, you're right. Let me let me back off, right? And so I think, you know, children, children are born with, and this is another thing I love about the book. Again, this is speaking of love by Fred and Anna Kindle. Again, there is a website, the Life Languages website, and you can pay $40, $49 to take an assessment. But I will tell you, I read the book, and if you see, this is the influencer section. This is the introduction. These are the next pages of me highlighting. I know everybody's not watching, but I I highlighted almost every single line in my section because it became immediately apparent to me who I was. And so I recommend the book. The other thing that I love about this book is that it talks about how these life languages are gifts, and it relates it to the gifts that are mentioned in Romans, I believe it's Romans 12, where there's seven gifts of the spirit. Um, you know, where it's like, whether there's prophesying, you know, wait on your prophecy, whether you have the gift of mercy, or um, I think the gift of administration, like there are gifts listed there, and it relates each of these to a gift. And I think when we recognize that who our children are, how they process things, how they orient themselves in life, it is their gift, right? Like being a contemplator is not an inconvenience, it is a gift, yeah, right? It is a gift for somebody to be able to take in everything. And when they spend time with it, I mean, if you've ever heard Ruth Abigail's father preach, you you will see the gift of what letting somebody contemplate produces because he is a master storyteller. He is a master at integrating, you know, life and scripture and in into a way that is both practical and inspiring. Yeah. Right. And that that is a gift, that's the gift of the contemplator. Yeah, right. The gift of the contemplator is that when they give you a product, it is a fully realized, world-changing thing, right? And they don't give, they don't give little by little. They give in these really big, productive ways. They do. Right. And so I think it's important that when we're talking about these life languages, we're talking about people's gifts. We're we're not just talking about, oh, yeah, this is the way you do things because you like to think, and then you might, you know, feel something, and then eventually you act, and that's what gets on my nerves. No, no, no, no, no. This is a person's gift, and the way when people give you the gift of who you are, of who they are, you have to treat it like it's valuable. Yeah. And I think as we get into these middle adult years, hunting, okay, what what we not dealing with is people not treating me like I'm valuable, right? What I'm what I'm not finna what I'm not finna deal with too much too often, okay, is people not recognizing or realizing the gift. You're gonna lose access to people. Yeah, right. If we don't figure out how to communicate and get on the same page with people, you're gonna you're gonna lose people who were supposed to make you better, right? And and people who you were supposed to have an impact on. Yeah, that's right. Right. And I think I can look through my life and be like, dang, I lost some people along the way. And I I don't know if I was supposed to lose them. Yeah. Now some of them, some of them, you know, but a lot of them, I'm like, dang. Yeah, maybe I might get another chance right there, you know. So I I think that I think that's important. That's good. Let's let's move, let's do the giver real quick and let's go to kinetic. Okay, give her real quick. Uh, these are people who are very generous, very thoughtful, very responsible people. So their thinking, while it is very uh contemplative, is also very much planning how they are going to impact the lives of people, right? So they want to build things, right? They want to build systems that help people, that give back to people, right? So they're gonna think, they're gonna be really uh, but their thinking is more practical. It's more how can I produce something that will be good for people? When I think of giver, I think of our friend Jeanne. Hey, Nene. Um, because Jaanne, I used to live with Jain, and Jain would think before she felt her act. And Jaanne would be like, hey, I brought this friend over, and I really think I'm supposed to mentor her and be a positive part of her life. So she's gonna be coming to all of our events, all of our friend time, right? And then it wasn't until like Jaanne had these people tagging along that she began to think about, hey, how do I feel about this actually? How is this impacting my life? Right, like, and so like in her mind, like she's like, okay, I created a plan. And I, and they really believe in their plans of impact and how and how their plans are gonna make the lives of people better. They're often really, really good with financial resources um and and will give anything they can to make people's lives better, but they don't always consider the imp the

Kinetic Speakers Mover And Doer

51:45

impact of that on themselves and other people. Um, so those are the givers. That's good. Okay, now last but not least, we have our kinetic people, and that's a big move for action. All right, lights, camera, action. All right, they're about action camera lights. Right, you're right, action camera lights. Yes, they are all about the action, they want to see stuff done. They don't want to be, don't be, don't be talking too long, don't be thinking too hard. Let's get the moving. All right. So that's um those are those are your people. You have two two of those in that category. You have the mover and you have the doer, which when I first read that, they sound so similar. Like it's like, what is the difference between a mover and a doer? Like, I don't understand the difference, but but I there is a difference, and so uh movers think more directors, doers think actors. Is that a good way of saying it? Yeah, actually, yeah, okay, okay, okay. I was gonna say I think the biggest difference is assertiveness, okay? Right, it is it is it is movers, movers move like everything is an emergency, right? Like they move like everything is critical, which is why they act first, because they tend to always know what to do, right? When you call somebody and they're like, and you're like, man, I got this situation, and they are deeply invested, and they say, you need the X, Y, and Z, right? They speak in a kinetic language, right? ER physicians, right? Um, the example that's used in the book, I believe, talks about how there was a kid playing in the road and they needed to get out of the way of the car, and they weren't gonna see the car in time. And so, like the person who was a mover threw a ball at them and said, Come here, right? Because it's like I have to do something immediately, right? And so they didn't think that through. They were just like, boom, act. And then afterwards, it's like processing, okay. Like I had to move because there was a lot to do. Uh, when I think ER physicians, I think of what's that show, Joy? The pit, right? If you watch the pit, like it's fast moving, it's action, it's people looking at a situation and knowing what to do. We don't have time for thoughts and feelings. All right. We need you to be assertive. We need you to get in there and we need you to do what needs to be done. Yeah, right. And so you might be very creative on the go, and you might not be able to explain why you're doing what you're doing. Right. Um, and so they they tend to be great visionaries. Um, and and movement for them is exciting, right? It's I got a plan, I got a vision. We're about to move forward with this thing, and it's gonna, it's gonna change the world, right? Sometimes they struggle to get people to go with them, right? They need they need some influencers, right? They need some responders to help them understand that yes, you do have a beautiful vision and a beautiful plan. And yes, the way that you move makes a lot of sense to you, but it don't make sense to nobody else. And you need people around you that can interpret more than just action, yeah, right? You actually do need to understand feelings. I cannot tell you, and this is for my emotive people. Hello, my name is Jaquita, and I'm with you. Okay, I got your back. I cannot tell you how for most of my adult life I was told you need to get over your feelings, right? You need to, you're getting stuck in your feelings, you you are tripping over feelings, and and the Lord is not processing feelings around here. And then it wasn't until later that I realized actually He is. Actually, the Lord does care about my feelings, and not my feelings in like in a very emotional way, right? But in my feelings in a very like, you can just like we can give our thoughts and our our minds and our bodies over to God, you can give your emotions to God. Absolutely. Right. And I think that that's something that movers have to learn because you do feel stuff after you have moved, right, and you um they tend to act and feel at the same time, but they don't tend to process those feelings until much later when they start to think about what happened. Right. And so there is a long time where they they are acting, right? Because acting happens quickly. Yeah, feeling happens much slower, and that's what they're thinking through. They're thinking through their feelings about what's happening during all this fast action, right? Doers are much more at a reliable pace. You know, they are they are dutiful, they are resourceful, they are uh conscientious, they dedicated, right? They they the I I know some people, you know the people who at the church, they doing everything. Yeah, right. Like they they getting it done. They they they always on a task, right? And they love servants. Think Mary and Martha. Martha in the back serving, right? Just just killing it. Just y'all right, Jesus. I'm gonna do this, then I'm gonna do this. I got the stuff on the stove. I'm about to mop the flow. All right, then I'm gonna I'm gonna take these curtains because they done got dusted. So I'm gonna go ahead and dust these curtains off, and then I'm gonna clean these. Uh I let me tell you something. I didn't realize until like my 30s. I was like, who's supposed to be cleaning baseboards? My Lord, right? I don't even know if I had baseboards growing up. I I gotta look back at the house to see if we had some baseboards, right? But but they're they're very dutiful and very conscientious of what needs to be done. Yeah. And so they're always doing, and they may not, because they're always doing, they may not be expressing feelings, thoughts, and emotions to you. They and oftentimes you may have to start doing with them to really communicate with them. If if if you're not walking alongside them as they're doing, you're gonna miss opportunity to communicate because they're putting all of their energy into their effort, right? And they're not really uh, they may not have as much energy for you when they're when they're done doing. So you may have to join them. This is very interesting. So again, I'm just gonna, you know, I don't know this as well as Quida, but I do know my own life. So in this, in the house that I'm in, we have a strategist, a contemplator, and a doer. Okay. My husband is a doer through and through. I'm sitting here reading this stuff, and it's like, yo, dang, like that is him through and through. Um, one of the things it's funny, like we've we've started doing is he is I I I have had to um allow him without feeling guilt around this, like he is the doer around the house. He will find, he'll he will fold the clothes, do the laundry, he'll sweep up, he'll mop, he will make sure he'll be like, Oh, what what is that? We need to clean this, we need to do this. Like he is, I'm like, and and me, I'm going to he will just do it. I will think about uh how to get it done. And oftentimes he's done it before I could think about how to get it done. Wow, and and so to your point, it is a gift. I need to embrace the gift. Hey, yes, you don't need to think, but what do I need to think about? I think about the budget. That's a thinking, that's it, it's interesting. Hey, I ain't gonna lie about it. So I will think through it. He doesn't, he is a just tell me what I need to do. What do I need to do? That he says that a lot. What do I need to do? And for me, it's like I need to have thought about it so I can answer that question. And so one of the things it's how we've learned how to communicate about just about everything. Like, hey, tell me what I need to do. All right, hold on, let me get back to you, let me think through it, and then I'll let you know what needs to happen, right? And then he makes it happen. Um, and so I think like that's beautiful. We've also like, I love what you said, and I just want to, I think this is true. Sometimes you have to be alongside them doing something, right? And so we're we we cook a lot, we're in the kitchen a lot, and we have these old wooden chairs that we don't know what to do with. So we just put one in the kitchen, and typically um, he'll be, you know, he'll be doing, he does the dishes most of the time. Um, and I need me a doer. Let me tell you something, a doer is a blessing. He's a blessing, it's a gift, honey. It's a gift, and so we um, but I I will when he's in the kitchen doing something, he might be cleaning the fridge, he might be doing whatever. And I will sit in that chair and we'll just talk while he's doing. Yeah, and we actually talk more than than we do when we're just sitting around, you know what I mean? And so it's become like a thing now. That's how we it's like kind of come in, we just kind of meet in the kitchen, and he's most of the time on his feet doing something. Then I'm like, I'm not even sure we need to do that right now, but he's doing it, and I'm sitting there and I'm recounting my day or asking him how what he, you know, we're just talking. And so you find ways that work to bring together the different communication styles with people that you're in relationship with. And and like like you've like we've been saying, it's not a competition, it's not who's better than the other. It really is allowing people to be who they are in the moments that you have together and finding uh the the ways in which to connect those things, yeah, and and allowing people to shine when it's time for them to shine. Absolutely, yeah. Bringing yourself back when it's time for you to be brought back. Like that is that is important. And but first, it really is understanding who you are and who others are. Like take a minute and step back and understand people, um, and don't judge them, don't make assumptions, give

Social Media Misfires And Closing

1:02:10

them what they need. Uh, and so that again going back to what we were talking about in the beginning, understand that all things start with communication. Everything begins with communication. And if you get this wrong, you will not get relationships right at all. You can't get relationships right if you get communication wrong. And so it's so critical to spend the time needed with yourself and with others to understand what this, how to do this well. Um, and and and and I think it's it's uh it's a reality, you know. We live in a world where communication has become uh cheapened uh through social media, through even through texting sometimes, um through these, we have all these different, I'm not saying those things are effective, but but oftentimes we put them, we we use them in ways where it's ineffective. And we use the the wrong medium for the wrong message. Um you you know, there's too many conversations that happen on the gram that need to happen in person. And and we and we we talk we do that because you there's no way for you to understand how this person is uh is is uh uh internalizing this. If you understood the person you're talking to on the other end of the phone is feeling first, you might get them a little grace for the words that come out first. But if you don't understand that, it just sounds like they're just being irrational and emotional, and now you now you're being dismissive. When if you were in a if you were in actual relationship with them and you understand, oh, okay, this is just them getting it out. They are actually this is them feeling something, and then once once that has happened, give them some more space and maybe I'll understand a little bit more because I'm a thinker and I'm not getting where you're coming from. But on on a on a on a comment in a comment section, you're never getting that. And so we're we're I think we've we've we've entered into a world where communication is is cheapened, and if we do that for too long, we'll end up devaluing it. And and and that is, and so when you be when you begin to devalue communication, you will find yourself beginning to devalue people, and that's when things start to go awry. So we we just want to be like we want to be careful about that. Everything is everything starts with communication. Absolutely. I think uh I want to go back to a point about movers and how um when you are you gotta you have to know. I think that these again, these are called life languages. I think that these uh life languages, behavioral languages, ways of communication, it also shows you what is important to a person. Yeah. Right. And so movers are really going to prioritize action, right? And they are going to, they are judging things based off of how people have moved. Um, and they are also not just judging people off of the ways that they move, but they are also um uh when they are trying to communicate to you the value that they're bringing to your life, they're often gonna think about the things that they have done for you, are the ways that they have acted on your behalf, right? Because they're always doing something on someone's behalf, right? And so when we think about how we appreciate people, are what we show people appreciate. Appreciation for, right? Like I really want to be appreciated for how I inspire and motivate people, right? Because I am again think that inspiration is thought and feeling together. Yeah. That that that's what it is. I'm going to use my thoughts and my feelings to inspire your thoughts and feelings, right? And that's what I want to be appreciated, right? People who are contemplators, right, have put so much time and effort, right, into the words that this that they say and the ways that they communicate and the things that they produce from their from their long periods of contemplation, right? They want to be appreciated for that. Doers want to be appreciated for how they just keep going and going and going and going, right? They may not ask for that appreciation, but from the people who are close to them, people want to be seen. Yeah. Right? And people want to be understood. A mover wants to wants you to know that they gave everything they had to answer a need that you had. Yeah. To respond to a need that you had with with indeterminate action, with action that was with everything that they had. They gave it to you. Yeah. And they want to be understood like that. They want to be understood as this is a person who will act on my behalf. A responder wants to be known as a person that this is a person that will sit with me and allow me to put to give them my most vulnerable person, to give them my most vulnerable self. And they will create a safe place. They want to be known for that. And so you have to create create spaces in your life for people to be great. That's good. That's good. That's good. This was good. Thank you, Jaquita, for bringing this knowledge to the audience, to me. One of my favorite books, I'm now gonna go back and reread it, even though I should be writing something for my dissertation. Maybe you'll be inspired by it, you know. I don't, I don't know. Maybe I probably will be, but will it be about black women and mentorship? It could. It could be. It could. It could. It could for real. I'm gonna read it. Um, all right, y'all. Uh all right, I think we're done. We're done. We're done. Um, yay, and uh we are um as as as always, please like, share, and subscribe. Um and let us know what you're thinking, if this was valuable to you, if you've learned something. And uh we will see y'all next time, guys. Until then, let's keep unlearning together. We'll experience more freedom. Peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.